December 25, 1991

Today is Christmas. I am 12 years old. I am at my grandparent’s house with my cousin. We are having fun. This morning I got a leather jacket and a pink ice ring and pink ice earrings. Well, gotta go, bye bye

PS and bunches of other stuff!

December 30, 1991

Today-well yesterday I came home after five days. Everyone here is sick. They have the flu. I have the cold. I have a bad sore throat. Everything else is fine. a new boy is going to our school Monday. His name is MM.

January 6, 1992

Today I went back to school. I’m going with a boy named MS, but I kinda, well actually I do want to, go with MM but MS just gave me three presents for Christmas and I don’t know what to do. Oh well, I’m kinda thinking about breaking up with MS to go with MM.

January 7, 1992

Today I broke up with MS and in seventh period I went out with MM. then later today he broke up with me to go back out with a girl MM. the girl he wuz going with before me. I still like him though!

January 17, 1992

Today we didn’t have to go to school. The newscast says that we might get 1 to 3 inches of snow in the next couple of days. So there! I’m going to my dad’s this weekend. I really hate my life. You know why. One, I lost my best friend. I don’t understand why two people (or one) cant keep their b/f and quit going from one to another. RM and I were b/fs for 4 years. We got in fights, but always made up. K and I were best friends since before Christmas. But Monday she becomes b/f with JT out of no where. I didn’t even know! She switches off with everyone. Well talk to ya later.

February 4, 1992

My mom and everyone else is making me do all this stuff and doesn’t even show me that they appreciate it! I do stuff for them all the time and I never get gratitude. I don’t get anything special. K, mom and dad have been going through a lot lately and I hope sooner or later they will thank me. But I doubt they will. my mom’s probably reading this and I hope I get something through to her. I understand that they have to make money to support the family but when can I have something special just for me? I’m getting tired so Ill go.

PS mom never listens to me or understands me when I try to talk to her. she’s always ignoring me

February 5, 1992

Today I had an okay day except it makes me so mad that when I’m around K and JT is not, she pays attention to me, but when I’m around her and JT is too, then she ignores me. and I hate it! my mom is being totally dumb today, she’s starting to get on my nerves! c-ya!

February 6, 1992

Today I had to stay after school to watch a movie because me, KG, H, and HH did not pay attention to it in social studies before when we were watching it as a class. Today, H and JT almost got into a fight!

February 7, 1992

H and JT made up. Today was okay. KG is going with CM now. He has braces, tan skin and is very good looking. But oh well. I’m going to my dad’s this weekend with my brother and his friend BA. I hate him so much!

February 15, 1992

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day but not a very good Valentine’s Day. My mom is being a real beep! Sorry about that but I hate her, and I hate my life. You know, I never get to have any fun anymore. All I get to do is sit around at home and babysit, clean up. I never get to see my friends except at school and you don’t get to have fun with your friends at school. When I have kids and if I have a little girl, I’m not going to make her sit around and babysit, and Ill let her do anything she wants.

February 17, 1992

From 5:30am to 8pm everything was perfect. I had no problem at school. everything was perfect until dinnertime. I didn’t feel good and so I didn’t eat much. But then dad started yelling at me because I was taking so long to start cleaning up the dinner table. God I wish I would die soon because I hate absolutely hate my life and I had such a good time at school and everything was perfect. Dad even helped me with language arts. Why does there have to be something bad go on every day to me? I hate it!

May 24, 1992

I cant help but remember about two years ago when BD and me went to BDPark. We were walking through the hiking trail and were talking about what we were gonna be when we grow up. “I think I’m gonna be a lawyer “she told me. “That’s what I want to be, too. I’ve always wanted to be that or a doctor”‘, I said. “Maybe,” she said, “we can get into business together!” I didn’t even notice I was crying until a tear ran down my face. Its so sad to think now that that once beautiful and outgoing girl is now lying under the ground.

My dad(TI) developed some pictures he took a long time ago. some of them were pictures of my seventh birthday where I was having a birthday party and I invited BD. When I looked at the pictures I started to cry.

When I was in 4h grade I went over to her house to spend the night. It was my first time at her house since we moved there. Anyway, that night we were playing Girltalk in her room and she got a fortune card that said “in the tenth grade you will fall in love with ________(enter boy’s name)” She put TT’s name in it. Now, to think that she didn’t even finish sixth grade, just because of a tragic accident.

Now, you probably wonder what exactly happened to her. So Ill tell you the whole story.

On Tuesday November 5, 1991 there was a dump truck traveling northbound off the highway. She was a passenger in the back seat of AW’s car. The truck lost two of its wheels and an axel while it was traveling approximately one-half mile north of exit 7. The parts traveled into the median forcing the double-tandem truck to a halt, and eventually crushing the car on the driver’s side. There were going to Red Lobster to eat and celebrate AW’s mother’s birthday. When the axel and wheels crushed the driver’s side of the car, it killed BD.

The next day, around 9:30am, I found out that she died. I was sent up to the counselors office thinking that something was still wrong with HC(since she was crying over something earlier and had to go home) so when I got up there I wasn’t expecting my mom and two little sisters to be there. I went into the counselors office with our counselor, Mrs. G and mom. I knew I wasn’t in trouble cause I hadn’t done anything. Then I was sure it was about Pee-Paw cause he was sick and could die soon.

“It’s nothing about your family if that’s what you think,” Mrs. G said. “But, well. I guess I should go ahead and say it.” She looked at mom and then back at me. “Your friend, BD, died in a fatal car accident last night”. She kept talking about what happened, but I didn’t hear her. I just went into shock. I didn’t cry or smile or even blink my eyes. Mom came over and embraced me and started to cry. But I didn’t do it. BD? Dead? It couldn’t be. She told me on the phone yesterday that she was going to Red Lobster with AW. Did that mean it could be true? How else could Mrs. G know? Then I really started to cry. Mrs. G sent for my things and we left with my sisters. I cried on and off on the way home. I could see my mom tried hard not to since she was driving. My sister kept asking why I was crying, but didn’t understand exactly when mom tried to explain everything.

Mom told me later when we got home that BD’s dad called momma earlier that day since he knew me and BD were friends and told her what happened. The funeral was the next day at 11am.

I called GH and MC since they knew her and told them what happened. We decided that they would ride with me to the funeral the next day. I phoned MG and CM since they also knew her and I told them. MG took it seriously and went there that night, but CM didn’t do much.

The next day we went to the funeral. There were a lot of people there. After the funeral and the burial we went home. It was a very sad day that day. Anyway, that’s enough talk about her.

Good night (Gute naght-German)

July 1, 1992

Saturday we moved in our new house on D Dr. I already like some boy named MS. He lives in my neighborhood. He was born in Michigan 14 days before I was born in GA. More about him later. Good night.

July 6, 1992

Today MS, B (his sister), my brother and me were at the path. B left and my brother followed her so MS and me were left alone. But we didn’t do anything except talk. Later that day me and all of the kids in the neighborhood except MS and A (MS had baseball practice and A was gone) played kickball. Gotta go! Bye

Related

July 7, 1992

MS finally admitted that he liked me. We were in the path in the woods a little after 12pm then when he came back from baseball practice he brought GL with him. After dinner we went outside (my little brother, my little sister and me)and us three plus GL and MS went to the path and MS asked me out. I said yes! Now I am finally going out with MS but we cant tell B (his sister) that we are going with each other because I’m afraid she will be mad at me. GL went up ahead of the trail with my brother and sister while we were leaving the woods because he wanted me and MS to kiss. I was nervous but so was he. Anyway we didn’t kiss. My brother got his hair cut off.

July 8, 1992

I only got to see MS for about 30 minutes. I didn’t miss him, but I should have. I told his sister that we were going with each other. I don’t think she minded. Maybe a little. I found a really cute guy in our neighborhood (single) for K, my aunt, but I haven’t told her about him…yet. I didn’t kiss MS yet. But I just get too nervous when I’m around him and I even think about kissing him. I love him so much. He did kiss me on the neck. I liked that. He is so sweet. I hope I will have the guts to kiss him tomorrow.

Related

July 10, 1992

I didn’t kiss MS today, but mom put me and my brother on restriction because he was being a pest and hitting on our neighbors AF and BS (I finally learned how to spell her last name). Plus, MS had to leave for a baseball game. I love him so much but I hate my brother so much I could shit a brick. Later that day MS came down and we talked with me at the edge of my yard and MS on the edge of the road. That’s all

July 11, 1992

Today I got put on restriction again because of my brother. But it really wouldn’t have mattered since I ended up painting, cleaning and laying carpet. But, it also didn’t make me made because MS is going to camp for a whole week this week and I wont get to see him. I even cried. MeeMaw is coming tomorrow and my aunt, K, is leaving Monday to go to the alcohol thing at the hospital. She will be gone a whole month. Night

Age of everyone: me, 12; my sis, AI, 5; stepdad, TI, 40; older brother, CC, 15; youngest sis, DI, 2; dad, SC, 37; little bro, GI, 7; mom, YI, 34

July 12, 1992

Today was another boring day– especially without MS. I miss him so much it hurts physically. Seriously, my shoulder(left arm) has been hurting since yesterday and I hurt my backbone today. Well that’s all for today. Mee Maw came home today. Night

Related

July 13, 1992

Well nothing much happened today since MS wasn’t here but I did okay without him. I love him so much that I’m going crazy because I cant see him. SN came over today. I think he likes B. Later, my aunt, KI, left today. Night

July 14, 1992

Tonight I got to sleep at BS’s without MS there of course. But I did get to use his pillow and his cover and I got to see his baby pictures. He was pretty chubby. Okay, he was very chubby then but he is not now as you can see. I love him so much. I am going to OMS this year when I start seventh grade. Just three more days until MS comes home from camp. Night

July 15, 1992

Today is mom’s b-day. But since I spent the night at BS’s I didn’t see her till later. Last night I dreamed of MS. Then this morning I took a shower in his shower. God I love him so much. BS went to the mall later on. Tonight we celebrated mom’s birthday. She turned 35. Night

July 16, 1992

One more day until MS. Tomorrow I’m gonna kiss him. I’m gonna take him to the path and I’m gonna kiss him. Gosh I cant wait. I will do it though, I swear I will. I just cant wait. guess Ill go. night

July 17, 1992

MS came home today and guess what. I kissed him–twice! And I wasn’t nervous either. The first time he didn’t open his mouth big enough so I told him to, and the second time he did it right. gotta go-bye

Related

July 22, 1992

Today I came home from Grandma D’s house. She took me shopping for a new comforter and a couple of outfits for school. I had fun at her house. I didn’t see MS today when I came home but I will tomorrow. Well I guess that’s all for now. Night

August 1, 1992

I broke up with MS yesterday. Today I laid out in the sun and swam in the pool. Dad stayed under the water for 30 minutes. But I got a good sunburn. Bye

August 2, 1992

Today we went to a party. Me, my older brother, CC, and Dad. I met three guys named Chris, Bob and Kevin. Chris is 17, Bob is 28 and Kevin is 29. Kevin is Dad’s friend and that is why we went. Bye

August 6, 1992

Last night I had BS over. It was pretty fun except the fact that BS can pretty much get out of hand. But she is only ten. MS is a moron you know. well, nothing much happened so I will let you go

August 7, 1992

Today is Chad’s birthday and he just turned 17 today. he played kickball with us and my team beat his team. well that’s it! Love, A

September 1, 1992

Today was awesome. So far school has been a week and one day. On the first day of school I was nervous as hell. But now I’m not! And there are a lot of cute guys at school like JR and JS and DF. There is a boy in almost all of my classes, his name is NS. I think he likes me. He’s in my enrichment class, too. The only class that he is not with me is in 6th period. well that’s it! A

September 4, 1992

Here is a brand new coin (1992 nickel) that I found in the dryer so when I turn thirty I will remember this coin. Its also the day I first got hyper at OMS. The first time I learned one of the cheers. And the day I started riding 80-5. But I don’t know why my bus driver is. Today I am spending the night with AW. We went to the Mexican cafe. We had a lot of fun. C-ya

PS I love my mom!!

October 9, 1992

Today is the first day I started on this journal. It is not for school, it is just something that I decided to do so I can tell somebody (or something) my feelings. I have a diary, but it is too small. Now Ill begin with what happened today.

I am in the 7th grade and I go to OMS. My teachers are Mrs. McH, Mrs. H and Mrs. B. Mrs. B is my favorite because she makes social studies fun and she has no rules in her class. Her best friend is another teacher named Mrs. S.

This morning in Mrs. H class our class went outside in the woods. (1st and 2nd periods). We are making a Robin Hood (Sherwood Forest) camp because we are reading Robin Hood books. (The whole seventh grade!). It is a lot of fun, but we only go on Fridays.

The rest of the day from 3rd to 5th period was boring. Except Mrs. B’s class. We watched a movie about the Russians and communism. It is really cool.

In 6th grade I have Home Ec. Mrs. W, our Home Ec teacher made us chocolate chip cookies. They were really good. AW, AS, EP, MJ and DH are all in my class. MJ is an old b/f since yesterday. Tell you more about that later.

7th period is the best. PE the class in which I am in the same class as JR. He is soooooo awesome. He is a skater, but is very well skater-dressed. He wears name brands so you know immediately that he is awesome. He has a dark and gorgeous face. His hair is brownish-blonde and is parted in the middle. But it looks cool. He is not a virgin, but I don’t care. He skates, and I flirt with him all the time.

I came in the gym with AW and T? came up to me and told me not to dress out. So I put my boots on the bleachers next to JR’s and we sat next to him and talked to him. Well, I sat next to him, T? didn’t. Then us three went outside on the field and threw a football. Well nobody threw the football to me so I sat down. Jason took off his turtleneck that was underneath his t-shirt and laid down next to me using the turtleneck for a pillow. I got on the other side of him so the wind wouldn’t mess up my hair. And he laughed in a joking way. Then he got up and I took the turtleneck and laid down on it for a pillow. Then T? came over and I gave her some room on the turtleneck and she laid down on it. Then Jason came over and faced the other way and laid down on the turtleneck. I started to braid his hair, and he threw grass on T? because she was pulling his hair. T? got up and started chasing him around, and so I got the pillow to myself. After a couple of minutes JR came over to me and laid down on part of the turtleneck. Then T? came over and wanted to lay down too but we wouldn’t let her. Finally we did, but JR turned over on his stomach and so his face was right above me. The sun was in my eyes whenever I tried to look at him, so I told him to move his head forward a little bit so I could see, and he did. Then his face was like right above me. It was sooooo cool!

But, the problem is, is that T? likes him, and she’s my b/f and I like JR. But I also haven’t told anybody that I like him. Plus I really just like to flirt with him a lot. He is great to flirt with. Well I think this is enough about JR. Now, Ill tell you about MJ. MJ was my b/f for about 3 weeks. But yesterday in 6th and 7th period she just ignored me (that’s when we were still b/fs). AW and AS are b/fs but AW wasn’t there because she left early or something so AS talked to MJ. and MJ didn’t talk to me because she was busy with AS. And then when we were walking to PE, MJ told AS and me, as well, that I was getting on her nerves. Then during PE she called me a bitch like 4 or 5 times. By then I was already mad at her, and I had told T? that. Also by then, I was not her b/f anymore.

Today during 6th Home Ec, MJ went to the counselors office. In PE when were called in from the field, me, JR and T? were sitting on the bleachers and MJ and AS came up and MJ says, “Me and AS are b/f’s, isn’t that sweet?!” She was talking to JR. But AW doesn’t know about AS and MJ! That is so low! Anyway, T? and I are b/fs now, so in MJ’s face. I hate MJ so much! I cant stand her at all! She is a bitch! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!

There! I’ve said it! Now I can relax. Its just I despise people like MJ, who go from one b/f to another. But who cares! I sure don’t! She can stay the hell away from me for all I care.

The rest of the day was boring. anyway, I think 5 ages is long enough for one day, so I’ll go.

Until next time!

A

October 20, 1992

Only a few more days until my birthday! Can you believe it? I cant. But I don’t think anybody at school really cares. Today was okay until 7th period. But Ill wait and tell you about that later.

Last Thursday, I got a sore throat. I ended up not going to school Friday or Monday because I had strep throat. So today I went back to school. First and second period was alright. third period was petty cool. JR is in my third period class. At the end of class we were watching an experiment and JR came over and stood next to me. Fourth period I voted for 92-96 president. I voted for Ross Perot because I hate Bush-even though he does have good ideas, and Clinton is too young. I hope Bush or Perot wins. Fifth period was fine. Just math, so it was okay.

Sixth period was boring as hell. But then, seventh period WAS hell. JR acts like he doesn’t even like me as a friend anymore. He has always liked MJ, of course, they talk on the phone everyday, too. First, Mrs. M told MJ that she shouldn’t be hanging around the wrong kind of people. Meaning JR. MJ said that they had a lot of the same feelings. JR hates T?, doesn’t like me and loves MJ. That’s what I think. He always has his around her. He used to put his around me, too, but doesn’t anymore. I really, really like JR, but why cant he be just friends with me?

MLJ. Yep! Its MJ again and I just don’t understand her at all. She called me a bitch today. She’s really pissing me off. I mean, we are supposedly friends, but she really gets on my nerves. How do I get our friendship worked out?

T?= TF

TF is not really my b/f. She smokes. But that is not the reason. we weren’t really ever b/f’s. But, everybody is treating her like scum. How do I help her?

AW is confusing me. One day she’ll talk to me (like on Wednesdays when we have enrichment) and others she’ll hardly talk to me at all. It makes me so mad. At the beginning of the school year, she talked to me more and I even spent the night with her, but now we don’t even get together anymore. What do I do?

AS has never really liked me from the beginning of the school until now and probably in the future. I have no idea why. I have good clothes and my hair looks good. I’m not a nerd, but nobody has asked me out. Why, I don’t know. I must be ugly or something. But anyway, why doesn’t she like me?

JL used to be my friend but now she isn’t. Don’t know why. I haven’t done anything wrong. She just quit being my friend in one second. What do I do? Forget it?

Well this is all. I’m going to watch the Braves world series. Bye!

November 3, 1992

Do you know what is in two more days? It is going to be exactly one year since BD’s death. I’m not going into details about what happened. You will have to find my diary with pink and purple flowers on it or my black bible that has my name on it written in gold.

Well, a lot has gone on since the last time I wrote in here. First, last week JR told a girl named S? that he liked MJ. Well, MJ likes him, too. (You have to remember, nobody knows that I like him. I’ve only let one person read this and that person is you!)

Anyway, everyone is expecting him to ask her out but he hasn’t yet. I’m glad. Not to be against MJ, don’t take me wrong, I like MJ. It’s just that I don’t want them going out.

I like MJ a lot for a best friend. But, we are not b/fs anymore. I feel now, that I can’t tell her anything anymore. She never tells me anything anymore either. And I feel like dirt that she walks on when I’m around her. She is b/fs with another one of my friends, TF. You already know about her and the deal with JR. But I thought that TF and me would become really good friends but MJ and her just ended up being b/f’s. I just want to sit down and talk to her without anybody around. Not any of her b/fs.

I always thought you had to be perfect to go this school, that everybody was a prep. I was afraid to go to this school over the summer because I didn’t think I was going to make any friends. Sure, I made friends, right when I came. AW was almost like my b/f, but now she’s wearing off. AS was my friend at the beginning, but I guess she decided she didn’t like me. DH, EP, TF and H? have been my friends the whole year so far. I’m sure next year I wont have any friends at all. I haven’t even gotten a boyfriend yet. Last year I went out with almost everyone possible, that I liked!

Well, this is getting depressing, so I’m gonna let you go. Bye!

November 28, 1992

Today is November 28, two days since Thanksgiving. And a good Thanksgiving it was, too. Well, the next day after I wrote last, I did talk to MJ. But that did not do too well. Actually, it didn’t help me a bit! Much less make our friendship any better. So, Tuesday (Nov 24th) I wrote her a letter and sent it through to her by mail. So far so good. She got it yesterday (Friday Nov 27). I don’t know if it helped or not. She’s written me back and I expect to get it Monday. but, who knows.

JR did not end up asking MJ out. Instead, he asked DH out. Too bad for MJ, but also too bad for JR. Don’t know about DH. I don’t love JR anymore. Actually, I sort of despise him. I keep telling myself not to talk to him or smile at him or anything like that, but I can’t help it! I’m attached to him in a secretive way.

Thursday night I fell in love with a twenty-one year old named Greg. KI and I (plus ZI, her son) went to the bowling alley in Roswell to bowl with four guys. Mike (KI’s main friend), Brad (nice), David (talked to me most of the time and is very sweet) and Greg. Greg is gorgeous. And he is from Massachusetts. If you look at his face very carefully, you will notice that his facial features look like Tom Cruise. And Tom Cruise is cute! God I love him soooooooo much! When we all said goodbye, he gave me a hug! He just met me! And nobody else gave me a hug goodbye! I thought about him that night for about an hour. I couldn’t go to sleep, and it was 2am!

Anyway, I hope I can go with KI somewhere to meet them again. I was daydreaming about me and Greg together alone somewhere. That would be so cool!

Anyway, I guess I will go! Love, A

December 4, 1992

Well, I haven’t received MJ’s letter yet, but I will probably get it tomorrow. Now, I love JT. He is very perverted, but I can’t help it! He is not gorgeous, but he is also not ugly. He has freckles on his face, a great chest, and light brown hair. I have liked him for a long time, I just liked JR more. I still do like JR, I just try to forget about it. JT is the kind of boy that I think would be good to me. I mean, he does stuff that would embarrass him but he is also active and that is what I like about him. He gives me these looks in LA that sort of tells me that he might like me. I think that he does, and I wish he would ask me out, but I also don’t know how he would act toward me if we went out.

When we were working on our camp for the Robinhood thing, and we were outside, he took off his shirt, and he looked great! I love him so bad. I want to kiss him. I’ve kissed others, but I want to kiss him right now I want him with me right now. I wish I had his phone number. Gosh, I love him!

I love him so much I could die! I have said that I love him so many times! And many more to come. I am just afraid to ask him out because I am afraid he will say no. I get to where I know he will say no, and I hate being laughed at. But you know what, I am going to call some people, so, I will let you go, Bye, A

December 5, 1992

Letter received from MJ:

“A, I don’t really know what to say. I think that your letter made me realize a lot of things, and not just things about me and you but things about life in general.

First of all, I realized that no two people are exactly alike, inside or out! (I’m sorry about my writing but that’s just me and I’m not going to use paragraphs either!) And I want you to know me. I want you to know that I’m not an insensitive snob! That’s just the way that I’ve been acting lately!

I want you to understand that I’m trying to change! I do care about you and I don’t go from b/f to b/f! Me and AW have been b/fs since we were three years old! BD and I were best friends all of 6th grade and we would have stayed that way! Me and AS have been b/fs since just before 6th grade! Me and TF, well, I don’t know what it is about me and TF, but there’s something that just makes us inseparable!

Don’t get me wrong, I really do love you and you and me were just as inseparable as me and TF, but I just have changed soooo much this year, and me and TF have the same friends! I do care if people are mad, but only if I really care about those people! That’s why I get so upset when you are mad at me! I don’t want you to get mad at me when I don’t say hey cause I don’t mean to and I certainly don’t ever look down on you!

I hope that you don’t still think that you have to be rich, have 50 different outfits, a big house, expensive cars, etc., etc.! You don’t have to have any of those things to be excepted at our school!

In fact, I don’t have any of those things and I have always been excepted just because of who I am. Until this year, no one has ever treated me bad and I always thought that it was because they liked me. Now I know that I was wrong. Now that I have the skaters as friends, no one treats me the same! I have teachers and the principal all hating me because I have friends that they don’t approve of. I have very few of my old friends left because I want to help these people!

I’ve always said that I would always put my friends first and do whatever it took to help them, but I cant do that all the time and I have to do that for the people that I think need help the most. I’m sorry for putting all of this off on you, I just felt the same way you did when you wrote me. Don’t feel left out when you are around me because I’m NOT leaving you out, it just seems that way because I jump back and forth and talk to everyone and sometimes you are just soooo quiet! You have to just slap me on the arm and when you have my attention just start talking! I was going to try and just be b/fs with you and TF a while back, but me and AS and AW have just been through so much together that we cant be separated ever! You and me don’t have hardly anything in common anymore! Except that we are friends and that’s all that matters! You made me realize that I had to fix my life before I can help anybody else fix their lives. Well, I don’t have anything else to say soooo I’ll let ya go! C-ya later! Byeeee! Love you, MJ

PS Please don’t move to SFM!”

I got her letter and I understand what she is trying to say, and she helped me out a lot. She made me understand some things. But that is not exactly why I wrote again. I think I figured out why guys at OMS do not ask me out.

The reason why is not because they think I’m ugly, its because I am new, and they don’t know what kind of a girlfriend I would make. They probably think that I wouldn’t ever talk to them, and that I am shy.

Well, mom wants me, so I will go. Bye, A

Related

January 13, 1993

Today I wrote SMcB a note. He is the new boy I like. Except its really different now. I really love him with all my heart and I want him for myself forever!! I mean I get so upset over the weekends when I don’t get to see him, that I almost burst into tears! I mean, forget JR! Forget JS! Forget every other boy in the world! Well, except MG. I will get MG back some day! I do still love him, and I always will! Anyway, today SMcB has a suspicion that I like him. I don’t know if that is good or bad! Well gotta go! Love ya, A

PS I hope its good!

January 13, 1993

I have just gotten through reading everything out of my diary and everything out of this journal! MJ and I are hardly even friends anymore. I mean, she just gets to the point where if I’m around her, she’ll just tell me to go away and that she hates me for no reason at all! I’m beginning to not understand her. I mean, I used to be able to almost read her mind, but now I don’t even know what is going on through her head these days. I can’t understand her anymore.

Well, my life sucks. I don’t like JR anymore, haven’t for a while. Instead, I like SMcB. Actually, I love SMcB. The only person that I have felt about, like I do him, is MG. And of course, you should know about MG. I couldn’t live without MG and this is exactly how I feel about SMcB. I want SMcB all to myself. I wish he would ask me out. I’m about to go crazy if he doesn’t ask me out. But of course, he won’t. Why would he? Why would anybody? I’m so ugly it’s pathetic. If I wasn’t ugly then I would have a boyfriend. Right?!

Well, it is like 11:30PM and I am getting real sleepy, so I guess I will go. Love, A

January 23, 1993

Well, I still like (love) SMcB. But I want to go out with JB. I went to a basketball game S vs O. We lost all four games, but at least I got to see all of my friends at S. And I also got to see JB. Boy, does he look fine. He looks the same as last year, but he looked good last year, too. All the boys look the same. I want to go to the movies this Friday so I can see JB if he goes. I really want to go with him.

Well, I got my report card yesterday (3rd 6 weeks). I got all A’s except a 50 in PE and an 81 in science. But I still did good. I hope I can bring up my grades in PE.

I still love SMcB, but I cant go without JB. I feel more comfortable with J than I do with SMcB. I guess that’s because I’ve known JB since last year, and I’ve only known SMcB this year. I think SMcB likes TE, too. That may be another reason why I don’t feel so comfortable with him. I just feel more better and free with the boys at S. It’s like I can breathe, or something.

Well I guess this is it. Its 8:46PM and I’m in the living room with my sisters. GI is at the skating rink. CC is at work with mom, and dad’s working downstairs on his car. C-ya later! Love, A

Letters from SMcB

Letter 1: “Hey what are you doing. Do you have any brothers and sisters and if you do how old are they. When is your birthday. What are your brothers or sisters name. Did you make the honor role. My brothers name is Steve. I got three sisters and their names are Karen, Robin and Rene. Rene is married to Coach W and they got a little baby name C. I had two brothers, but one of them died. He was three years old. My oldest sister Rene was outside with him and he went to the road and a car hit him and he died. My sister was only 5 years old. Now my sister is 25. Robin is 23 and Karen is 14. My brother is 17. He is very athletic. He is 6ft 3in. He plays baseball, basketball and football. He was the quarterback for OMS and he got the MVP award. He could play any pro sport he wanted to but he don’t have good enough grades. I am 13. I’ve not gone out with anyone yet this year. The last person I went out with was AW. that was last year. I knew that S didn’t write that letter and I really didn’t care either. This is so sloppy because everybody’s trying to read it so I’m in a hurry. Write me back! Love, SMcB

Letter 2: “Place: My living room, Time:4:00, Date: 1-25-93. Hey What are you doing. I’m writing you back for once. I didn’t go to the dance Friday. NO, I don’t want to go with TE. I just like her for a very good friend. Just like I do you and AC. It does not matter who you like because it is none of my business. I’m sorry if I’ve been mean and rude. I did not tell anyone that you wanted to go with me. If they told you that, they were lying. I’m sorry that I let them read the note you gave me about a week ago. If you write me another note I promise I wont let anyone see it. I wont let anyone see the one you wrote me today either. I hope you still like me. I’m sorry I don’t write you notes. I’m just not very good at it. In the note you gave me made me mad, but then I read the note over and over and then I thought you had a good reason to be made at me. PS. I don’t care if you let anyone see this note because I let people see the one you wrote me about a week ago. Ill see you later. Love, S

Letter 3: “Wednesday January 27, 1993. 7:27PM in my living room on the floor in front of the t.v. hey! O How sweet! Nice letter A. The reason I don’t ask anyone out is because I don’t want them to turn me down. Who told TE that I said that to D? Yes you wrote enough and wrote big to. I know you wasn’t mad at me when you wrote that note. Ill write you back any time you want me to. Mrs. H is not my favorite teacher. I was two minutes late and she made me go get a note to get in class. She is so stupid, but who cares. Why does AC think I’m making fun of her all the time? Well I cant think of anything else to write about now so I guess Ill see you later. Love, S. PS If you want to write me back please do. Thanks for the sweet note! sorry I didn’t write much

Letter 4: “Thursday, January 28, 1993 in SS being bored to death. Hey! What Cha doing? I’m not going to copy notes because it probably wont be on the test. I think AC’s making a big deal out of nothing. Do you play any sports? I do. I think they are fun. I play baseball, basketball, and football. I am best at baseball. I’ve played all three sports for 8 years, but this is my ninth year of basketball. I cant think of anything to write so I guess Ill write about my family. so I hope I don’t bore you to death. My brother has played baseball, basketball, and football since he was five years old. He is great at all three of them. He played basketball on the varsity team and baseball on the varsity team but he got kicked off of both of them because his grades are low. In OMS he played basketball and football and he got MVP in both sports. He is now playing basketball for a men’s team and he’s only 17 years old. He slammed it the last game he played in and he also scored 48 points. Well enough about him. You tell me about your family or you! I hope I wrote enough. Bye, Love, S

Letter 5: Hey little lady! Wassup? Tell your sister I said happy birthday. TE is getting on my nerves to. Yes, I do notice how TE ignores you and H. I think AW is stuck up her butt. I think that was mean of her when she wouldn’t let me and P in your group and then the next day she let AC be in your group. I don’t know why she is getting mad at you and not talking to me. I didn’t tell her that you said we couldn’t be in your group because she said that we wouldn’t work. I just told her that I thought she wouldn’t let us in your group because of we wouldn’t work. got to go bye, Love, S

Letter 6: from me “S, Hey! What are you up to? Not a whole lot here, just thought I would say hi! So how’s life? Pretty good here! Well, I don’t know have anything to say so I guess I will let you go, bye! Love ya, A. PS Write back!

From SMcB “Hey! What are you up to? Not a whole lot here. Just thought I would say hey. So how’s life? pretty good here! Well I don’t have anything to say so I guess Ill let you go, bye! Love ya, S

Letter 7: 2-9-93 Tuesday night 11:11PM in my living room laying down on the sleeping bag; Hey friend, how are you doing. Sorry I didn’t write you yesterday. I went to sleep when I got home. To bad AC broke up with P. I don’t know what to write because the note you wrote me is in my bookbag and my bookbag is in my locker at school. Why is TE being so mean to you? I think she’s getting to be more like AW “the great”. AC is mad at me again because I told her that she shouldn’t have broke up with P. I guess she can just get over it. I like AC, she is nice and everything buy she can get mad over nothing sometimes. Well, I’m watching the Hawks right now, and their getting beat, but Dominique Wilkins is doing pretty good, but who cares. I’m going to my dad’s tomorrow so I hope he’s getting better. He works at Firestone and he works hard I think. He hurt his back really bad. I hop he gets better. I don’t know anything else to say so I guess I’ll see you tomorrow little girl. Bye ! Love SMcB. PS: I’m sorry I didn’t write you much but I will the next time

Letter 8:2-12-93 at home on the couch. Time 10:23PM. Hey, what are you doing? Nothing here but watching the Bulls. They are winning. Guess what today is Michael Jordan’s birthday. Yes, my daddy is getting better, thank you. I don’t know if I’m going to the dance tomorrow or not. I hope J is healthy and okay when he is born. I’m glad you had fun with your brother and his friends in his room with the stereo wide open. I don’t are if you call me. I’m sorry if I don’t sound very exciting on the phone. Most of the time I’m sleepy. Sometimes I don’t feel real good. Life’s okay here to I guess. I’m glad you got your puppy. That’s a weird name for a black dog. D said that your puppy was neato. Bye! Love, S. PS you are not boring!!

February 25, 1993

Today is exactly one year since grandfather died. On the 21st of this month at 12:40PM, my aunt had her third baby, JAH. He weighted 9lbs. On the 22nd of this month my friend, ES’s brother died from cancer at the age of four.

As you can see, this past week there have been happy and sad events going on. But right now I am fine.

I love SMcB, still. I have loved him ever since before Christmas. As you should know. I wish I had a picture of him so I could tape it here, but I don’t, so oh well. I have put the notes he has written me into this folder. I love him very much. I hope he likes me, too. But It is hard to tell with him, you know. He is so sweet and cute. I like the way he gets embarrassed and his whole face turns red and he looks away. We sort of flirt with each other, but for some reason, I cant tell if he likes me or not. I really, really, really wish he would ask me out. I swear I have never loved anyone so much in my whole life. But you know what? I am sort of afraid to go out with him, because I know I would die if we ever broke up with each other. I mean this, I really do. I don’t even like JB anymore. I mean, I flirt with guys to try to make him jealous, but I don’t know if that is such a good idea anymore. You know what I mean? Because he may get the impression that I don’t like him anymore, or that I don’t like him and never have. I don’t want him to think that.

I LOVE SCMCB!!!! I LOVE S! I love S!

Do you notice he always puts “love, S” on his notes when he writes me? Do you think that means something? Mine means something. I do the same thing, but I mean it. I LOVE SMCB VERY MUCH!!!! Guess what!! I got a new puppy named Flower. He is black and is a toy poodle. He was born on Christmas Day and is two months old today. I can’t wait until Bambi has babies because Flower will be the father.

Well, you know what? I took up more than a page talking about SMcB and that is wild! But, he better ask me out soon, because if he doesn’t then I may end up asking him myself, hoping to God he will say yes.

Well, it is 9:06PM so I guess I will go for now! Love, A

March 16, 1993

The last four days it has been cold and snow is on the ground. Saturday there was a blizzard and we got at least eight inches of snow. This has been the worst blizzard in the century.

I don’t know what my feelings for SMcB are anymore. I’m growing away from him in a way. We are supposedly mad at each other. Well, I’m not, but he is. I told TE I thought he was an asshole because he was acting like one Friday. So he said I was a bitch. Of course, I deserved it. But I didn’t exactly tell TE to tell him, did I? No. I did not. But, she likes him, too, and so you can see why she would do that! I really truly love him, but I don’t think I can wait any longer. You know? I’m going to write him to tell him I’m sorry. I hope he reads it and likes me again. I don’t know what else to do. I love him so much its getting crazy. Of course people would say its puppy love. But I don’t know. I’m not so sure it is that. I think this is a love too deep to explain. Of course, I could be wrong, but it has been almost four months. I’ve loved MG ever since 5th grade and I am in the 7th grade. This has last for two whole years.

I always thought I would never like anyone here at OMS. I thought all the boys and girls were stuck up. But SMcB and I have a lot of the same feelings. We think alike. It is really neat. And I want to get closer to him.

Well, I could go on talking about SMcB and my feelings for him, but I must write the note to him. Love, A

March 19, 1993

I still love SM. Always. I haven’t been talking about my family much and have decided to. My stepdad is getting to where all he does is complain about everything I do or don’t do. He supposed to be paying me every two weeks for baby sitting. $60 a month! yet, he doesn’t do it. He’s always late. Either that or he doesn’t pay me at all.

Mom is being good. We get into arguments but that is not unusual. I love her.

Older brother, CC, is now 16 and has a car and driver’s license. Its pretty weird. He hardly ever goes to Dad’s(SC) anymore. We have been getting along a lot better now.

Little brother, GI’s, behavior is a lot better than it used to be but he is still a pain.

Little sister, AI, has become the little miss priss and everything has to be perfect. She is now in kindergarten.

Youngest sister, DI, is 3 yrs. old and is a sweet girl, yet she can be a real pain in the butt sometimes, you know.

Well this is all, Love, A

April 1, 1993

I hate SMcB! April Fools! But I do hate my stepdad! He is the biggest asshole ever. I am so sick of him of his fucking attitude! All he does is complain! I called SC(my real dad) after I got fussed out and told him what I did and told him I might not get to go to his house this weekend because MeeMaw is sick, and dad said to tell TI that he can call him and tell him that.

Well! I did just that! And you know what TI did? He threatened me that if I called SC again that I would be grounded for a month! Is that crazy or what. I told him SC was coming up unless TI calls, and TI said he doesn’t have to call and that SC can kiss his butt. He said, “Do you want me to tell SC he cant ever come on this property again?” How absurd! What a threat!

See, I told you he was an asshole! The son of a bitch!

So I walked away smiling and laughing at him as I went upstairs.

Well, that’s all folks! Just thought I would give you some excitement. C-ya later. Love, A

April 9, 1993

Two days ago, April 7, PI (Mama I) died. We all knew it would happen because all of the cancer she had. The funeral was this morning at 11. We’re heading home from Tennessee right now. It is spring break and Easter is in two days.

Every time we come through the country I fall in love with it. We are now on a very big mountain. It is raining and so way up here is cloudy. It’s cool to look out on top of the mtn and see nothing below because of the clouds. It is like your in the sky high above and on some kind of land floating in the air. I love it. Looking at the mountains further out is very awe-inspiring. I love it all. I wish that I lived in the 1800s and when they didn’t have cars and electricity and all these buildings. I wish I had a lot of land that all it is is country, trees and such, lots of horses and a big white house. Lots of servants and little cabins where they live. That is what I wish.

After reading Lighthouse, The Beloved Invader, and the other St. Simon’s book that was written by Eugenia Price, I have wanted to go to St. Simons and go to the church that has all the graves of the people in that book. I would really enjoy that. It’s like I know them or something.

I mean, ,after just reading about them and their lives, and being able to see their real graves would be unbelievable. But anyway, I guess I will go for now! Love, A

April 14, 1993

Today was pretty fun. In PE, KP flirted with me a lot (as usual) but I kind of think it is cool. And SMcB gets really jealous. I can tell.

Language Arts, 6th and 7th period, we went outside to the nature trail to read a stupid book. Mrs. H told us to go further out in the woods with whoever you are sitting with and think about who killed who in this book. TE, H?, JT and I got lost (on purpose) in the woods and got back later than we were supposed to. It was fun. We didn’t get into trouble.

I still love SMcB. I guess I’m really not sure. I mean, what if he happens to ask me out? Would I say yes, or no? You would probably think yes. But, I wonder. If we broke up, we wouldn’t be such great friends. Or now, should I say, maybe, if I’m lucky, good friends?

I know I haven’t written much tonight, but I really cant think of anything to say. Love, A

April 27, 1993

I stayed home today and yesterday. I have been laying out in the sun and I now have a sunburn that hurts.

KI was in a car accident last night because she was drunk. She was driving without a license and is in jail right now. We are taking care of her son ZI(again). We’ve done this before. KI is an irresponsible mother. She thinks only of herself, and not of her almost two year old child. Sometimes I wish I could just get a or something and knock her on the had so I could knock some since into her. She is almost thirty years old-living with us in our house-has a not so great job and has a child that should come first in all of her decisions. Her ex-husband (I think) would be a whole lot responsible (especially with her son) than KI. I despise her un-called-for-actions so much right now, that I could almost hate her! How could she do that? With her only son in the car, too! Well, I guess this is all for now! Love, A

May 7, 1993

After missing two days, I came to school today. I got my annual (yearbook) during first break. I think my picture looks so stupid. SMcB looks so cute in his football uniforms.

I was going to try out for basketball cheerleading, but since I didn’t get my physical, I cant try out. I forgot to cross out my name on the list. I really want to cheerlead.

Monday, SH brought our yearbooks from last year when we went to S. I miss everyone there so much. I want to go back. I saw TE and MS’s pictures and I remembered them so well. Those were the two I loved most and still do somewhere in my heart. I almost fell in love with MS all over again.

CC(my older brother) is finally deciding to date other girls besides AB. There is one certain girl and her name is Tonya. Whenever she calls and CC is no here she’ll talk to me. She is so sweet! I love her to death! She is 17 and is IN LOVE WITH CC.

Guess what! I made a 73 in social studies!! That is horrible! I did have a 99 and a 98 average in social studies until little miss perfect, Mrs. J (our new teacher taking place of Mrs. B) came to our classroom. I hate Mrs. J so much!

Well, I guess this is it! Love, A

June 16, 1993

SC has been starting some problems again. A few weeks ago, he got drunk one night and called in the middle of the night. CC had just got home and so he answered the phone. Dad started laying guilt trips on him, and kept him up for a couple of hours. I ended up calling Dad and fussing him out and did not go to his house that weekend.

Now, Dad has called at 12:00am, 2:00am, 4:00am and 5:00am in the morning. He drove down here at 3:00am a few nights ago looking for CC. He called Grandma D at 4:00am a few nights ago upsetting her. Then, he called last night accusing CC of “fucking that whore down in his bedroom high on some kind of drug”.

I’m getting pissed. Our dog (at SC’s) had puppies two weeks ago, and I want to go this weekend to se them. Also, so I can get the next VC Andrews book, The Dark Hour.

But I also don’t want to go because of what he’s doing. I mean, what should I do? I think if I can get Carol to pick me up, and both of them bring me back, then I will go. Over the weekend, I wont say anything rude. We’ll play cards, swim, lay out in the sun, play with the puppies, and I’ll go to bed if Dad even lays one finger on a beer can.

Well, I guess I’ll go for now! Love, A

June 27, 1993

This man, that KI met in jail, is so cool. His name is Sam. I know his last name, just don’t know how to spell it. I’ve seen him a lot lately since he comes to see KI every day. I’m starting to like him a lot. In fact, the more I see him, the more I like him.

Like today he put his arm around me and gave me a hug. Now that may sound like nothing, but no-one was around, and when I looked up at him he looked right into my eyes.

I love his body. He’s strong and looks really good. When I first met him, it was at the jail with KI, I didn’t like him. I thought he reminded me of MG. But now, I discovered he’s not.

He, KI and ZI went camping this past weekend. Saturday, GI and I went with MeeMaw to check on them. I knew they were fucking because ZI was asleep and because when Sam came out of the tent all he had on were these tight (not too tight) shorts on. He has an awesome ass and front. KI came out later with her Victoria Secret outfit on (with clothes over it of course) and she’s taking birth control pills.

I would say other things, but this is a diary, and anyone could find it and read it. So, I guess this is all for now! Live Long and Prosper! Peace, A.

July 30, 1993

This is so weird you will now believe this, but I like MS again. Well, see, it happened like this; In the beginning of the summer I read all that stuff about MS from last summer and I started liking him again. The, Don finally opened up the pool and I’ve been seeing him there. He’s got an awesome tan body and I just cant help but like his ass. I like him again and I’m going crazy. Today at the pool, we were talking and playing and stuff. But that was when mom and his mom were there, along with BS and the C family. they all left and LB ended up leaving me and MS to take the girl she is babysitting home to get dressed and dry. So that left us alone. We were at the corner of the pool talking, and he was there with me. I mean, if he didn’t like me and didn’t want to be around me he wouldn’t have been there talking to me. He could have left or swam somewhere else. But he didn’t, he stayed there with me, and I’m satisfied with that. Night! Peace!

August 2, 1993

I’m not satisfied. I want him now, I want him to ask me out now. I’m beginning to resent LB. She hangs out with them a lot. especially the last 2 days. I hate being stuck in this house babysitting while LB is at the pool swimming/flirting with MS and the C’s. It really pisses me off. I love him so much. Maybe HF was right when she said we were made for each other and that I liked him. I may not have wanted to admit it, but maybe I’ve liked him all along, I just never wanted to admit it. What do I do? I guess I will go now. Peace. A

August 27, 1993

MB is a boy that lives down the street from me. For the past week he and another boy named JA have been hanging around here with my neighbor, GB, and CC. JA is like in love with me, but I think MB is better looking than JA. MB is different. His life is full of hatred. Most of his family are alcoholics. He’s neat in a way, but I don’t know if I like him or not. Would I go out with him if he asked me out? NO, I tell him, but mostly its because I don’t want to break up MB’s and JA’s friendship just because of me. I don’t love him, he’s just fun to be around with. I don’t know if he likes me like JA does, or if he’s just kidding around. Most likely he’s kidding around. But another reason why I probably wouldn’t go out with him or JA is because they smoke. Can you imagine kissing someone who’s breath smells like smoke? Gross!

MS? I don’t know. He has an awesome body but I keep imagining MB and me together.

This Monday, KI is leaving for bootcamp and she is really stressed out, and doesn’t want to speak to Sam, or didn’t. Sam was crying earlier tonight because she is leaving and was acting like a bitch. He says he really loves her and is going to miss her. I never thought he would cry over anything, but I was there while he was so emotional. It was weird. Well, I guess this is all for now! A

September 1, 1993

MB….wake up. Wake up MB. Talk to me, I need you. Wake up. MB? Are you there? Tell me your feelings. MB? Hey! Wake up. Talk to me. I need you. I want you. What’s wrong? Are you sad? Angry? Scared? I can help you MB. I’ll listen and I’ll care about what you tell me. What’s inside your mind? I can’t get in there. Are you trying to keep me out? What are you holding? What are you thinking? I want to know. Where are you? Are you awake? MB? MB? Talk to me in my dreams tonight. Tell me everything. What do I need to know? I’ll listen. I’m a good listener. You can trust me. Come to me MB. Come talk to me. I’ll be sleeping soon. Talk to me in my reams. Tell me your fears, wishes, dreams, everything. I want to know you. Your different. Mysterious. I want to find out what–who you really are. Are you there? Are you listening? You’ll be good for me MB. I don’t care about what bad things you do, I care about you. My window is unlocked, so is my mind, so you can get in. Tell me everything about you. I can’t love you until you tell me about yourself. I want to feel what you feel. I want to be with you. I hardly know you, yet I feel this need to be close to you. I can’t call it love because I haven’t’ known you long enough to love you. I don’t know you good enough. Stay there Ill be right back… just for a minute, I have to clean my face and get ready for bed so I can talk to you some more. Don’t go back to sleep, don’t leave yet. It’ll just be for a minute.

MB?MB?MB? Are you awake? I guess not. Well, I let you sleep then, MB. Talk to you later okay. See ya in my dreams? well, lets just say I hope so. Tell me everything MB. The real you. Good night MB

October 11, 1993

Hey! guess what! I want to go out with a boy named AC. He’s not gorgeous, but he is sweet, funny and is kinda cute. I did like a boy named CM. But I don’t anymore.

I have a new good friend named AH. I knew who she was last year, but we got to know each other better this year. She’s really nice. She wants me to go to six flags on the 30th of this month with CP(her boyfriend). She’s going with her church group. I hope I can go. I really want to go. Maybe AC will go, too.

Well, I’m passing school. CC quit high school last week. He should be in 11th grade. Instead he’s gonna get a GED and then go to college. He had skipped school for two weeks and the school wrote my mom, so that’s how it happened. I’m really disappointed with him. I was sure he wouldn’t do anything stupid like that. I’m really ashamed of him. He’s really screwing up his life.

Well, I guess this is all for now, you know. I haven’t written in a while but I really don’t know what to say.

I hope AH will be a real friend this time, because I’m sick of being alone. But, I’m not getting my hopes up because something bad might happen, and maybe one day she’ll just decide not to be my friend. but I think she won’t do that. She doesn’t seem to be that kind of person. gotta go! Love, A

October 31, 1993

I’m worried about KB (my cousin). She wrote me Thursday, and every other word was shit, fuck, damn or ass. Plus, she says she was smoking, but quit, and now she’s “drinking at parties and things”. You may think there’s nothing to be worried about, but with the shit I’ve had to deal with wit my Dad, I have a big thing against drinking. I don’t like people that I love and care about drinking, especially when KB is such a wonderful person. She’s sweet, pretty, and a good person. I don’t want her hurting herself. She says she’s not an alcoholic, but that’s where it starts, isn’t it? Yes, I believe it is. Well, that is all I wanted to say. I had to get it down on paper. C-ya. Love, A

November 16, 1993

Well, guess what? I love CM and I can only hope that he likes me, too. We get along so well with each other. We talk about everything and we are always flirting with each other. But, the problem is that he is going with LB. He’s been complaining about her lately, about her not ever talking to him. He says he likes me, but I doubt he really does. I guess we will see what happens, right. I really, really like him. There’s really no real way to tell how much I do. I hope I don’t get my heart broken again, as usual. It probably will, I haven’t had one in about 1.5 years.

I met AH at the library today. CM came, too. We did our report, then we walked to the gas station next door. AH and CM bought some ‘puppies'(cigarettes) and we went out behind the library and sat on the grass for an hour. At first we really didn’t do anything but talk. Then we got closer (me and CM) and he put his hands around me. I guess you could say we were getting cuddled up with each other. But, in sixth period, he always has his hands on my legs or somewhere. I love him so much. Gotta go! Love, A.

November 17, 1993

I love CM so much, I don’t know what I am going to do. I wish he would hurry up and break up with LB. I know that sounds mean, but I do. MK might spend the night this weekend. We are gonna go to the movies and CM said he will be there. I hope he will. I just got through talking to him on the phone for about an hour. He says he likes me and told MK that he did very much. I can only hope.

Saturday, AH, MK and CM are gonna work with me. We are gonna have a lot of boxes to put up. I love my mom and dad so much for letting MK spend the weekend with e. For once, in a long time, my life is going pretty good, and I’m very thankful. AH and I are bestest friends, CM likes me, I have a job, I’m getting along with my parents, and my face is clearing up. (my face had broken out real bad. I got a different kind of cleanser. It works). Well, I know this isn’t much, but I gotta go. Its night night time. C-ya. Love, A

November 21, 1993

Guess what? I’m going out with CM! Can you believe it? I can’t. I love him so much. We went to the movies Friday. I kissed him once. We didn’t actually go in at first. Two guys, JF and SB wanted us to go with them to get cigarettes. Well, they couldn’t get any at the gas station, so I told them we could go to Kroger cause a friend of CC’s, JC, worked there, and he would let us buy some. Well, we got there, bought the smokes, and walked back to the movies. I didn’t smoke, though. I don’t like it. A little later we went in the movies and kissed. JA was there. I tried to stay away from him as much as I could. CM and were sitting in the back of the movie, Fatal Instinct, and he and JMcB came and sat in front of us. I made CM go outside with me.

Over the summer, I met JA from MB. They used to walk up and down the streets of my neighborhood and finally they ended up meeting my brother, CC. Well, then I met them and JA ended up asking me out. I told him no every time. After school started back, LB, Sam, GI and I went to the movies, and we saw JA there. He ended up going into the movies with us, and LB and them left me and him by ourselves in the back. He kept his hand on my legs and we got really close, but didn’t kiss or anything like that. I really regret that, and now he thinks I’m in love with him, which I’m not. My mom ended up blocking his phone from calling us because he smoked pot, and mom didn’t want anyone smoking pot calling my house. I have been avoiding him ever since. And then he had to be there again this weekend. I’m glad I didn’t have to worry about talking to him.

Well, CM worked with me yesterday, with JH, too. I kissed him twice. I don’t think the second time counted because I stopped short after tasting the cigarette taste. All day long he would come up to me and put his arms around me pulling me against him. I’ll tell you, he kept me excited all day. I love him so much. I think I could go pretty far with him. I’m not kidding when I say I love him. I have for a long time. I think pretty much all year so far. Gotta go! Love, A

December 29, 1993

Love. I say I love someone but I really don’t. You tell yourself it’s really love, and that he’s the only one for you, but he’s not. I haven’t yet experienced the real feeling of love. And I know it wont be for a long time before I find him. All the guys I’ve liked and gone out with and said I loved were nothing. Quick little relationships. I know I don’t and haven’t loved anyone yet and for now on I’m not gonna say I love someone when I really don’t. When I was going out with CM, I didn’t really love him, even though I thought I did. I never told him I loved him either because deep down I knew I didn’t and one day I will find that special guy.

Christmas was just great. I got a color TV, polaroid camera, baby-doll dress, two tapes and $155. The reason why I don’t sound so excited, is not because of the presents, but because #1, my cousins didn’t come down because my aunt wanted to go on a cruise two days after X-mas. But also because of SC. We haven’t totally fixed everything, plus he was drinking on Christmas night and what the fuck does he think caused all the problems in the first place?

Now he wants me to spend the weekend w/him next weekend and I told him I have to work Saturday. So he said I could come down Sunday and I said I would have to talk to mom and dad, and said, no you don’t. “Why?” I asked him. And he said because he gets me the first and third weekend of a month and I don’t have to ask. I really don’t want to go. I never want to go. I hate Carol so much, and I’m sick of being around SC. I guess that is mean, and I shouldn’t say that, but that’s how I feel. Anyways, I guess that’s all because I have nothing else to say. Love, A PS Me and CM broke up because we like being just friends. We went out for 8 days.

January 5, 1993

Today I went to school, and it was freezing outside. School was the same, but I’m not doing so great in science. I never do really good in science.

This afternoon, my bus driver showed me a seat on the bus that had millions of holes in it and said that my brother did it. I know he didn’t do it, because I saw the real person who was doing it. He had the end of a music stand with a sharp end and was just sitting there poking holes in the seat. He was right there when she told me that about my brother, and I told that person that my brother will not be blamed for something that he didn’t do. He’s sort of a good goody and he’s scared. But if that bus driver tries to punish my brother, I will tell her who really did it because I won’t have my brother being blamed for something that he didn’t do. Later this day, I went to the store and bought me a new flannel shirt. The End

January 6, 1994

I went to school today and saw my friends. School is not very exciting. I have to do a stupid science project. It might be fun, I guess. I have to study for my science test tonight. I hope I do good.

I went home and I ate some real food since I didn’t eat much for lunch. That lunch food was horrible! Well, I did my homework and swept and mopped the kitchen floor so I could make my mom happy, so she would let me spend the night with AH and JH Friday night. It worked, because I get to.

I worked on my project today. I have 36 lines on my poem.

January 7, 1994

I took my science test today. I think I did pretty good. Well, I won’t know for a while. Anyway, I’m going to spend the night with JH tonight. AH will be there. We are going to have lots of fun. School is boring, I’m sick of it. My life is horrible, too. I keep a lot of my feelings inside and I don’t tell anyone how I really feel. I can’t because it’s hard to make people understand, and I feel stupid talking about stuff. The way I act is totally opposite the way I feel inside. The best way I can tell how I feel is when I write it down because then it all comes out. I have my own journal that I write in sometimes, but I usually don’t tell much because I’m afraid someone will find it. Oh, well, that’s all for today.

January 8, 1994

Last night my brother, CC, got into a car accident. This woman pulled out of McDonald’s right in front of him. His tire got torn and the passenger side got scratched up and his rear bumper came off. The woman is going to pay for it. She blamed it all on herself. He came home mad we were in the kitchen, and he came in and threw his wallet, keys and cig’s on the table. He was shaking really bad, too. He looked pretty bad, but he didn’t get hurt. He drove me over to JH’s house in mom’s van last night. I’m glad he’s alright. So is JH (she’s going out with him). Well, gotta go, bye.

January 9, 1994

JH spend the night with me last night. I finished my reading report. All I have to do is type my poem. I hope I get a good grade on it. Today, we didn’t do much of anything except lay around and watch movies. I was in a grumpy mood. I need to do my homework, but I don’t feel like doing it. All I have is the WW and finish reading scene 4 in Reading, but that can wait. I probably won’t do it. I’ve started reading The Dark Half by Stephen King. We have the movie and I haven’t seen it yet. I’m going to wait until I’ve finished the book before I watch it. I’ve also read Needful Things, and now I ‘m ready to watch the movie. Well gotta go, bye!

January 10, 1994

Well guess what. My wonderful next door neighbor, LB, has threatened to kick my butt. See, this is what happened:

Friday night, AH told JH something private. So, today in AH’s 4th period class, she was talking to JT about something, and brought up a name. Then LB looks at AH and says, “I know”, and AH said “who told you?”(thinking LB was talking about what AH told JH) “JH?” LB said no. JT said “JH who?” LB says her last name. Well, something else was said that made AH think that JH told LB what she had told her on Friday. When AH told me this, I told JH at lunch what AH told me, and JH got really mad at LB. And when LB found out why she was mad, she got mad at me. So at break, LB gives someone else a note to give to me that says she’s going to kick my butt. I told LB that AH is the one who said this and that she is the one that got something messed up because I was just telling JH what AH told me to see if JH really said anything, which she didn’t. So, now I don’t know what is going on, and I’m getting sick of this school and the people in it. And I’m really getting sick of LB. She can’t keep secrets about me anyway and I don’t like being around her and I can’t wait until she moves and gets away from me and my life.

Well, enough said. You probably think I’m a horrible person for saying that about LB but it like, she’s trying her hardest to ruin my life, plus you don’t know her as well as I do. And I can’t stand her.

January 11, 1994

Today, I was sick and had to stay out of school. My dad was sick, too. It was a very boring day. I mainly just read The Dark Half by Stephen King. I think I’ll be going to school tomorrow if I’m feeling better. Oh well, who knows. Well, I really don’t know what to write because I really didn’t do much today except lay around. Boy, wasn’t that just so exciting. I guess this is all for today.

January 20, 1994

Hello, guess what? I have been out of school all week, and you know why? Because our school has been closed. Monday, MLK day, we had an ice storm plus California had a major earthquake. Tuesday, Atlanta’s major water pipes busted after 70 years. Also, our temps have been as much as -27 degrees below zero and the ice has been sticking until today. We have to go to school tomorrow.

JH broke up with my brother Monday night. I know she hurt his feelings, but he hasn’t shown it. He’s been holding his feelings from me. I guess because she is my best friend. She is one of my bestest friends I’ve ever had. So is AH. They haven’t turned out like those kind of people who decide to be best friends with you one minute, and not your best friend the next.

I still like MB. I haven’t ever stopped liking him. I don’t love him. As I think about it, I haven’t ever loved anybody. I know I say I have, but I haven’t. I don’t want to love anybody. I’ll just get my heart broken. I’m too ugly for anyone to like me. Oh, sure, I was cute and pretty when I was younger, but I’m not anymore. I know I’m not. I’m not stupid, I know if I’m ugly or not.

Well, I know I haven’t said much, but what else can I say, huh? Oh, gee, the weather was nice today. I hope I get a good grade on whatever I do in school tomorrow. I mean, what in the fuck is there else to say? I babysat all day today, my mom bought us fast food shit. Isn’t this just exciting? See, I’m wasting ink and paper and time, so I’ll just go now. cya later you little shits! Love, A

January 23, 1994

I’m watching the movie, Chaplin. It’s about Charles Chaplin’s life. I like the movie, and I want to read his autobiography. It’s called “My Autobiography”. Anyway, that’s all I’ve been doing, is watch movies. I spent the night with JH last night. I got so bored because there was nothing to do. I wanted to sneak out, just to do something destructive, but we didn’t.

Well, I don’t like anybody, I don’t want to. I’m too ugly for anyone to like me anyway. I try to make myself believe that I’m not totally ugly, but how can I? I’m ugly and I know it. But I’m not going to think about that much. It’ll be much easier to just stop thinking about boys and not like anyone.

Well, I know this is not much, but there really isn’t anything to say, so bye! Love A

January 24, 1994

Okay, I can’t keep on telling myself that I don’t love MB, or even like him, because I do. I love him so much I feel like I’m going to go crazy. He treats me like shit, but I still like him. You know, he liked me over the summer, and I didn’t find that out until lately from talking to GB. That really pissed me off. I still like him, though. I wish he liked me, too. I swear, this pisses me off so bad. I had a chance of going out with him over the summer, but he just wanted to fuck me.

I just found out that the bitch, AV, was hanging all over him Saturday. Oh well, maybe she’ll give him what he wants because I wont. Not that quick. God, I love him. Why? I don’t know, maybe because I’m obsessed with him. I have no idea, I guess. I’m just stupid. but hell, I’ve liked him ever since summer and I tried to not like him, but its impossible because I keep on thinking about him during the summer. He was so sweet then and that is what got me to liking him. But I try not to because my heart is just going to keep getting broken over and over again. I cant love him. I don’t know him well enough to love him. And he doesn’t like me because if he did, he wouldn’t be messing around with AV, the bitch. I hate her so much! She thinks she can kick everyone’s ass and that she’s the greatest person there is. She doesn’t like me and I don’t like her. Everyone kisses her ass because they are all afraid of her. Frankly, I don’t give a flying fuck about her. She’s been in my face three times and has pissed me off because she gets into other people’s business. She thinks she has to because they are her friends and she has to stick up for her friends, which is bullshit because “her friends” can take care of themselves, and they don’t need her to do it for them. The last time she got into my face it was about LB. AH had told me something (blah, blah, blah) and I told LB and AV that. AV told me to look at her in the face and tell her what I said. I said ÄH told me that” and she said I was lying! That really pissed me off.

Anyway, you can see why I hate her, and I hate her even more now because she’s a fucking slut. I’m so glad I said all of this and got it out of my system because I thought I was going to bust! Well, gotta go! Love, A

January 31, 1994

Today, LB told me that MB likes me. I don’t know if I believe her or not. JH called him and asked him, but he told her to tell me “no answer”, so, I don’t know. I’m not getting my hopes up. I do love him so much. I always have. Well, maybe not ‘love’, but I like him a lot and I can’t stop thinking about him.

I told mom that I smoke today. She seemed like she didn’t care at first, but later on tonight she seemed mad. I don’t know. There are so many things that I could say on this paper, but I can’t because I don’t know who will ever end up reading this, like my mom or dad.

I finally have two true best friends. I think I would die if I should ever lose one of them. My life has been so confusing and sad, that now I have a best friend I cherish her. JH and AH are my best friends, and they are not like the kind of friends I have had before where they decide to not be your best friend for no reason whatsoever. They both act like they want to die, but I don’t think they really, really want to.

I’ve thought about killing myself, but my pride keeps me back. I wouldn’t want to give anyone the satisfactions of getting rid of me, no way. My pride keeps me from doing lots of things, like showing my hurt feelings outside of myself, and if I do cry in front of someone, I feel stupid and ridiculous. I remember when JH, CC and me got caught in K-mart, shoplifting, I wanted to cry when JH did, but I couldn’t because I didn’t want to show that security man, who was a complete stranger, how I felt. Once we got into the van, I started to cry, silently. I can’t cry in front of people, not even in front of JH or AH.

One night I was crying over mom when she was drinking for a while, CC came in to talk to me, and I felt stupid. I can’t explain to people how I feel. They don’t understand, and I don’t know how to express myself. I feel stupid. I keep a lot of my feelings inside of myself. People think I’m fine and don’t understand or haven’t experienced pain or hurt, but I have, I don’t want people to know. I don’t like for people to know.

So much has happened to me in my past life that I will never be able to tell anybody because I can’t. How do I express myself completely? To get people to understand? I can’t, that’s just all there is to it. Writing is the only way for me to get things down. My life is ruined. I have been bruised internally and it will never go away. It will always be there and I’ll never forget it.

I long to see MB’s beautiful smile, the way he once smiled at me over the summer. Ever since then I’ve liked him. I fell in love with his smile, his dark brown, curly hair and tall body. If only he knew how much I liked him, and for how long. He probably hates my guts. He treats me like shit, ever since school started, but I still like him. If he did like me, he probably would just want to fuck me. Would I? I don’t know. I would have to be going out with him for a while, you know. Any guy that wanted to fuck me would have to wait quite a while. I love his hair. He is so unusual, not exactly cute, but he’s got that look that makes you want to learn more about him. I wish I knew what color eyes he has.

I had a dream last night. It was today, except I left to go somewhere. I was with some man, I don’t remember, and we were driving down a street, and were riding next to a river. There was ice on the road and there were lots of cars. Then the man says that my dad fell down into the river on his bike. He stops the car and I look over and see him riding in the freezing water. He’s struggling to get out and he’s freezing and nobody is helping him and he gets up on a bank but its icy so he falls back in the river and its going downhill. The man said ‘let’s go, he will be alright’, so I get into the car and we drive back home. I forgot about him and I don’t know if he died or not.

Today, Dad called and asked me if I called Grandma C yet. I hadn’t. He also told me that Grandma N is in the hospital, sick. She is the sweetest and dearest lady and I love her to death. She is so cute and gentle. I can’t imagine her gone. She seems too small and tiny to be able to take care of herself. She can’t leave yet, she’s too happy and wonderful. She treated me so good,, like a perfect grandma. Why does all of this have to come crashing down on me now? All of this pressure? I don’t know if I can take it. My aunt almost died from overdosing. Some people think its no big deal, but it is. To me, it is.

Well I need to go. I am very sleepy and I have been crying while writing this. I guess I had a lot to say this time, huh? Love, A

February 2, 1994

Today, MB found out that I liked him. JH told him that I wanted him really bad. She asked him if he liked me, but he didn’t give her an answer. My head hurts really bad. I just go through taking 13 pills, 2700mg. I want to die. I have no life, it sucks. Well, I have to go, bye. A

February 15, 1994

I don’t know why I started writing. I don’t have any idea of what to say. AB has been living with us for almost two weeks now. CC and AB thought she was pregnant. I like AB now that I have gotten to know her. I hated her for two years, but I don’t now.

I don’t like MB anymore. I can’t like him. With all of the drugs that he is on, its impossible. Besides, he wouldn’t be good for me. I know he wouldn’t. Well, I know I didn’t say much, but I have to go. I don’t know what else to say, so bye! Love, A

February 21, 1994

Guess what! Friday, I wore my dress and JR asked me out, but I didn’t give him an answer. That night, JH and I were supposed to go out with CC and AB, but they never came, so we went to the movies. JR was there and we talked to him and MS for a while. We walked over to the payphones and I saw MG. JR left, thank the Lord(not trying to be mean), and we talked to MG. Then we got into a car with him, A and H. MG wanted me to kiss him, but I didn’t for a while. Then I decided to and ended up making out with him on and off for an hour and a half. And guess what else; he went up my shirt. He was the first person ever. I’m not even going out with him, though, and I did that with him anyway. But, I’m not going to do that ever again (anything) unless I’m going out with him, because that’s not the kind of relationship I want or am going to have, with him or anybody else. I love him a lot, I always have and I don’t care if he is a redneck or not, because I don’t judge people that way. I think that is rude. I’ve loved him ever since fifth grade and haven’t ever quit loving him. But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to have that kind of relationship that he wants, or I think he wants. There’s no way.

Well, I guess I will go for now. You know what really pissed me off. Friday, when I was waiting for the bus to come to the school to pick us up and my friend, who everyone thinks is a redneck, AD, said bye to me and I said bye back. then JS came up to me and goes “Did AD just say bye to you?” and I said, “yes she did”, and she said, “she’s a redneck and you talk to her?” and then she walked away. I got really pissed. I was about to fucking slap the shit out of her. Well, gotta go, bye! Love, A

May 4, 1994

Well, a lot of shit has happened since I last wrote in here, and that was a long fucking time ago, you know. I’m listening to my Snoop right now-that’s right-MY Snoop!!! Nobody else’s but mine. Hell yes!! Okay, what the fuck man, what the fuck! Hey n, is you crazy? Hell yeah- I’m fucking crazy! Ha!Ha!

Okay, well, I got over MG pretty quick-I realized he was an asshole and just used me for that night. Fuck the motherfucker, man! I don’t need that shit! I’ll tell you what-I don’t have to put up with that shit either. So, I haven’t heard from him since.

Well, on March 12, CC had already moved out of the house to live with AB. Well, this was a Saturday that I spent the night with JH. We called CC and AB to come pick us up. They said they were waiting for someone. I said who, CC said it was a surprise. So JH got drunk because she knew we were probably going to smoke some weed and she didn’t want to. She drank a lot of fucking vodka. when they came, she was feeling sick. We got into the car and the surprise person was JP. CA was with them, too. I thought JP looked pretty good looking-looked like Snoop and Snoop is pretty good looking for a black person you know. Well, we got as far as near CC the gas station, and JH got sick. We pulled over long enough for her to throw up everything possible, and she did, too. Then we went by the pool hall to look for a seller, but found none. Then went to Taco Bell and I took JH into the bathroom so she could get washed up and maybe feel a little better. She didn’t. Then, we went to Kroger because CA wanted to see someone. JH got out of the car and laid down on the ground in the fucking parking lot. And guess what we saw? We saw GB and TJS walk by and dummy me yells their name. JH jumps up and goes over to them. She comes back and says she’s gonna go with them and we tell them to meet us at CC gas station at 10:30. We go and look for pot. Next we went to AB’s and hung around CA tried to find someone who would sell, but at about 10:00 we left for CC gas station. We didn’t get to smoke any. But that was alright-I really didn’t care, you know. JH and TJS got there a little after us and we went home. But before that, JH called her mom to see if we could spend the night with AB but she wouldn’t let us. I didn’t care. So we had thirty minutes to get to her house which only took another five.

That was great fun, but I had to pay. Boy did I have to pay. GB ended up slipping out to my little brother, GI, about us being out with CC and GI told mom and dad. I got grounded for a month. JP, CC, CA and AB were ready to kill GB and TJS. They even went as far as meeting them at Taco Bell, but my and GB’s parents stopped it all. That passed over soon. And also, BA and AB/CC hate each other. I still talk to BA even though he’s enemies with my brother. I don’t give a shit, BA is my friend.

Well, I’m off grounding now, but it wasn’t fun. I was depressed the whole fucking time. I was ready to kill myself. I cant explain how I felt. I guess you would just have to be put into my position. I couldn’t see JH and so we kind of grew apart because of that. But now we are back to being close best friends. I thought today how I will ever be able to find a best friend like her again. I really hope she doesn’t move. I will cry if she goes to another school than me. During that month I realized how much she meant to me. She is the best friend I have ever had in my whole fucking lie and I don’t want to lose her. I love her for a sister. We’re fucking sisters, man. We look like sisters and have the same brain cells. Well, I guess I better go, my hand is about to fall off. Love, A

May 8, 1994

Well, today is Mother’s Day. Mom doesn’t look too happy. She looks sad actually. I guess I can say I think I know the reason why. CC doesn’t talk to anyone around here except me and occasionally dad. But, mostly me. He told me a few weeks ago he was going to call mom on Mother’s Day, and so I would ask again and again if he was still planning on doing that. He would say yes.

About a week ago, mom and I started talking and got onto the subject about CC. I decided to tell her what he said he was going to do because I thought it would make her happier and hopeful. I guess it did a little.

Today, I call CC. “Hey!” “Hey.” “Whatcha doing?” “Nothing much really” “Today’s Mother’s Day” “I know” “Are you going to call mom?” “No” “Why not?” “because she didn’t call me on my birthday and that really hurt me, so why should I call her. No, I’ve been thinking, and I’m not going to call her”. silence. I didn’t say a word to him. He is a stubborn piece of shit. That’s all I have to say. And when I see mom sitting in the kitchen with that sad/angry look on her, I want to cry and I want to scream at my brother. he’s tearing her apart. I think back four, five years ago when everything was great. love from everyone. No heartbreak whatsoever. Everything was fine and everyone was together. Now, all of this bullshit. I hate my brother. Maybe not hate because I know I still love him- but I don’t want to talk to him ever again until he fixes everything. But now he’s gonna have to fix it up with me, too. That’s just all there is to it. There are a couple of things I wish I could talk about-but I can’t because I don’t want someone reading it. Well, I guess this is all I had to talk it out, and this has helped. Love, A

May 19, 1994

“So are you coming?” JH asked. JH is my best friend. We met this year at the beginning of eighth grade. She started working with me at a video store I used to work at. She and CM (my boyfriend at that time) worked with me until I no longer had a job there. Ever since then we became closer and eventually best friends. She is my bestest friend I have ever had in my whole life. Now we are like sisters. We kind of look alike and we act the same and we can read each other’s mind. It is really cool and I am so glad we became friends.

AH is my other best friend. She’s been my best friend all year long, too. It’s just that lately she has been getting on my nerves. I mean, its just little things that she does that annoy the shit out of me. I just want to slap her to wake her up. She’s so childish and ignorant. But, she is sweet, I can’t deny that, and she is a good friend. I just wish she would wake up, you know.

Well, tomorrow is Friday, May 20th, and is JH’s birthday. She’s turning fourteen. I’m older than her. I turned fourteen on October 24th last year. She’s having a little get together. She’s invited some of our main friends that we hang around with, and then some. I really can’t wait because it’s going to be so cool. I love going to her house. It is so quiet, considering I have two little sisters, a little brother, and a little cousin. Her mom is really sweet and she’s like my second mom. It’s great going to her house because I can get away from my family and all the noise. You have to get away every once in a while, (maybe more than that) because if you don’t you’ll seriously go insane. I was grounded not too long ago and I almost did go crazy. I almost fucking killed myself. I’m not kidding either. But I was really, majorly depressed and miserable and I wanted to die. I hated being grounded. Don’t ever do anything stupid that could cause you to get grounded. You’ll hate it, trust me, I would definitely know.

But now, I am happy because I’m not grounded. I’m going to JH’s party, and I like a guy named JA. So of course I would be going to her party, because its her birthday and JA is going to be there.

July 13, 1994

This morning, around 6am, we left for St. Andrew’s in Florida. I slept most of the way there. It was hot as hell. We got here at about 3:30 and set everything up. There are two young looking guys next to us that I saw when we first got here. Then they left and haven’t come back yet. I know they will because their pop-up camper is there. I think I will meet them and get to know them-how about you? Anyway, CC and I played cards and we tried to call SD, but nobody answered. That’s all for today.

July 14, 1994

This morning, those boys left. We went to the beach and went snorkeling. I got some sun. yeah. Then we came home and ate. CC talked to SD. At about 7:30p, we went for a walk down the beach. It was beautiful with the sun going down. We came home and I fished. I caught a toad fish and a catfish. It was funny because it made toad noises. I’m having fun, I guess, but I miss everybody. I think I’m going to break up with CP when I get back. I can’t put up with his shit anymore. Well, that’s all, folks!

July 15, 1994

Today, we went to the beach again at about 1p. We stayed there until about 4:30;, then we came back to the camper. We ate and then went on a hike through the nature trail. That was bad as hell. After that we went to the big pier and these two guys came up. They were gonna try to catch a shark, but we left before they tried. I didn’t want to go, but oh well. Then we went to the smaller pier in the campground and GI and I stayed. Then we walked all the way back home. It was fun. I tried to call JH and SD, but nobody was home at either one. I miss everybody but I’m still having fun, I guess. Gotta go.

July 16, 1994

Today, all we did is stay around the campsite. I stayed inside because I wanted to take a break from the damn sun. We tried calling SD but she was gone to Mary’s and they went to SMP. Oh, well, try again tomorrow I guess. JH is not home yet because nobody answered on her line. I guess she’ll be back tomorrow. Who knows. I want to talk to CP but there wouldn’t be much to say, would there. I hope he’s being good. I’m not sure if I want to break up with him or not. I need to have another good talk with him when I get back. Oh yeah, I caught two small fish today and watched movies on TV. Tomorrow we are getting up at 6a to go to the sand point (or whatever its called) and fish for badass fish. Gotta sleep. C-ya! PS I miss everybody and cant wait to get home and see everybody and go for those dandy walks.

July 17, 1994

Well, we have been here for 5 fucking days and 7 more to go. I talked to SD and JH’s mom tonight. JH is not coming home until Friday because she met a 17 year old boy. When she gets back, they are moving. Today we went to Sandy Point and fished. Mom caught a small flounder. That’s basically all that was caught. I didn’t catch shit. I miss everybody. I’ve said that every day, but its true. I cant wait to get home. These days are boring as hell. Oh well, that’s all for today. We didn’t get up at 6 this morning but will tomorrow morning. C-ya!

July 18, 1994

Hello. We, or I, didn’t do shit today. I stayed at the camper all fucking day today. Oh yeah. God, I can’t wait to get home. Tomorrow we are going to Shell Island and are going at 9a so I have to get up around 7 or 8. I guess that will be fun. I didn’t get up at 6 this morning. CC, GI and dad did, though, to go fishing at the little pier. I didn’t want to go, I wanted to sleep. So I guess I will go so I can sleep and get up in the morning. It is 10p right now. C-ya!

July 19, 1994

I got up at 8 this morning and we went to Shell Island. I found some shells and swam with fish less than a foot away from me. That was alright, but sea water is sticky when you get out and I didn’t like that. We have no plans for tomorrow so I can sleep late I guess. I tried to call CP tonight, but he wasn’t home, nobody was home in fact, so I guess I will call tomorrow sometime. Anyway, I can’t wait to get home, I think I’m gonna go crazy being around these family people for so long. When I get home, I’m leaving to either SD’s or JH’s house. Maybe SD and I will go to JH’s. We’ll bring my brother along, but not to spend the night of course, but we’ll go some damn where. I’ve pretty much been bored today because when we got back, which was around 12, we stayed around the camper. Which was good, I guess, because that sun is annoying as hell. I hope we go to Panama City and go to the Miracle Strip tomorrow. I need to find some people of my kind. Well, gonna go. C-ya!

July 20, 1994

Well, only 4 more days of vacation left. We are not going to the Miracle Strip because it costs too much, but when we get back home we are going to Six Flags. We stayed home, but went to the beach around 4 and stayed for an hour (give or take a few minutes) and tonight, around 9, we went to the big pier. There is a shark tournament that started at 9 tonight. Nobody was fishing for sharks at the pier while we were there, which was only about an hour. I tried to call CP all fucking day today, but nobody was home. I also tried to call SD, but they wouldn’t take the call so I guess we will call her and CP tomorrow. I’m getting a bad feeling, but maybe that is stupid, because none o the P family have been home today, tonight, or last night, which is unusual because somebody is usually there, you know, but oh well. I don’t know where they could possibly be. CC says maybe their parents got busted, I don’t know. Well, gonna go. C-ya!

July 21, 1994

Today was much better. We went to the beach around two and came home around five thirty. During that time, I saw a lot of boys. Well, I talked to TD and he said that SS told him that my boyfriend was going out with somebody else. Okay, well, I called SD, she wasn’t home. Later on today, while I was drying my clothes at the laundry room (yeah) CC talked to TD and SD’s mom. SDs mom didn’t know where SD was at or when she would be home. Also, TD told CC that SD had read something of her mom’s and CC thinks that she was sent to that GMHI thing (or whatever its called). If she was, there’s gonna be some hardcore kicking ass.

well, tonight around 9:30 or 10, CC, me and GI went to the big pier. We met these two guys (Mark 16, Spencer 17) and we got to talking about stuff if you know what I mean and made plans to meet at the pier, around 8 or so, to go to a club called Club LaVila. There’s a room called the Black Room for 13-17 year-olds. Hopefully we’ll be able to go, but I seriously doubt it. Not only that, GI was listening to everything and I know he’s gonna tell mom and dad all the little stories he heard. That will suck up the ass. It was not cool at all talking about that shit in front of GI, but, oh well, what can we do now? Absolutely nothing. So, I guess I will go. C-ya

July 22, 1994

Howdy, my fine fuckheads! Oh, my saying is back again. Well, fuck CP(his three other “girlfriends” do), I broke up with the twelve year old fuckup today. Oh well, I’m certainly not gonna lost sleep over that piece of shit. Would you? Of course not. We didn’t go to the pier tonight and I feel bad making those guys wait, but we couldn’t go, so, oh well again. I talked to JH and SD today. I can’t wait to get home. We went to see the shark weigh ins today. Those are some pretty nasty looking sharks if I may say so myself. Then we went and bought souvenirs. I got a shirt that has a bad ass gator on it. yeah. anyway, I stayed at the campsite the res of the time. Today was the first time that I actually left the campground. It felt good to be out in the real world. We’re like in the fucking boonies out here, besides going to the beach where you can actually be social, you know? Well, I guess I’m gonna crash. C-ya!

July 23, 1994

Hello people! What’s up? Today we went to the beach around 3 and stayed until around 6. The, after dinner, we went to the little pier around 9 and came back around 11:45. That’s all that happened today. Nothing exciting. One more day until we leave. One more fucking day, and I am home! Yes! I can’t wait to get home and see SD and everybody else. When we get home, we’ll only have a month left before school starts. Damn! I hate that. Anteways, there really wasn’t much to talk about, so I guess I will go. Miss everybody, but will be home soon. We got a postcard for SD, but no sense in sending it now, you know? Gots to go! C-ya!

July 24, 1994

Well, today was the last day of our long, but not so bad, vacation. yeah!!! Today we went to the beach around 12 and stayed until about 5. I got sunburned all the front of my body. Now I’m gonna have to go home and even it out on the back. I can’t wait to get home. By this time tomorrow I will be home, maybe in bed, maybe not. Mom knows about our walks. Oh well. That’s fucked up, but who cares. Not I, of course I do. What are you, sane? That’s what I thought. Well, this about wraps it up for the vacation! Time to say goodbye and get back to our regular schedule. ha!ha! Well, gonna sleep and make tomorrow come closer. What do you think? Good idea? Of course, because I’m so fucking clever, right? Right. C-ya (dumbasses). I’m Going Home!!

August 29, 1994

This past weekend has been the most awesome and exhilarating weekend of my life. Here goes.

Friday night I spent the night over at JH’s. We were tying to find a way over to SW’s house because AG was there and I wanted to see AG again. AG and I have ben talking for the past couple of weeks and we wanted to see each other before school started again (which is tomorrow). Well, we got TJS to agree to take us over there if we gave him gas money. We were gonna tell JH’s parents that we wanted to go to the movies but that was after we asked if TJS could come and pick us up from the house. Well, they pretty much figured it out, so we asked if we could go over to SW’s. His dad was there and JH’s mom talked to him, so she took me and JH over there. I got to see AG. I was so happy. He’s such a sweetie. I like him a lot. We’re not going out or anything, but maybe we will be sometime soon. Anyway, it took us a while to finally be together if you know what I mean because that was the first time we got to be together like that. All we did was kiss, but I loved the way he kissed me. He’s forceful in a way, and that just drove me crazy! God, I loved that

Anteways, he drove us home (he’s 16) and we got home at about 12:15. Then we had plans to go out again, but over to TD’s so JH could see CC, my brother, of course. We got out and over to TD’s. I called AG, and SW told me that JH’s parents knew we were gone. They even left to go over to SW’s to see if we were still there. Well, we left TD’s after about an hour or so and went home. JH’s window was closed and locked, and they keys, that were hidden outside, were gone. JH’s mom opened the door and asked us where we were. We told her we were in the back in the woods smoking and talking and letting ourselves be crazy while we were still high. She was pissed. I’ve never seen her so pissed as long as I have known her. She was bitching in a very high voice. JH was really upset and crying. Her mom said that she was about to drive to my house and let my mom know we were missing. She also said that we weren’t going to be able to see each other again except for school. She was putting me to blame for sneaking her daughter out. See, JH had been with her grandmother’s most of the summer and came back not smoking, weed and cigs’, or cussing and she’s wearing skirts and dresses and that’s it. Then she started hanging out with me and I’ve fucked he up all over again. But, now we’ve both quit smoking, cig’s that is. Anteways, she sent us to bed and I told JH that we didn’t do anything bad going into the woods, and that they’re mainly pissed for making them worry and they’re tired. They’ll be better in the morning

I was right. We weeded the yard to pay back our sins and her stepdad had bought four tickets to Lynyrd Skynyrd. He said we’re still going. Now, for another story.

To start off, I want you to know that by 5pm that Saturday evening when went to Applebee’s to eat before the concert, I hadn’t eaten for 31 hours. That’s over a day. And I’ll tell you why. I took white crosses all day Friday. Well, we finally ate. That did me good. On the way to Lakewood, we smoked two joints. I got fucked up. When we got to the concert, he had a certain place to park because he wanted to meet people there. A bunch of seniors showed up with his friends. They were all drunk and I was stoned. ( I can’t wait for my kids to read this!). Well, we went in and JH and I had lawn seats. We hung out with the seniors. They offered us a drink but we refused. There was a bunch of crazy maniacs there. The place was full of rednecks. I would say 99.99% of the people were drunk or stoned. Mostly drunk. JH and I had a fat, fat joint and the two of smoked it. I was so gone, I almost went crazy because I almost couldn’t handle the state of mind I was in. I sat there while everyone danced and I watched the concert. I wanted to close my eyes but I couldn’t because of the blinking lights, they were driving me crazy. Then I broke into a cold sweat. That was fun. Then I came down into another stage and then my mouth got dry. Cotton mouth!! AHHHHH!!! I hate that. Then I started to feel sick. I needed food from all that time I didn’t eat. I stood up and kept keeping myself from getting sick. I got JH and we hurried all the way toward the food. Half way there, I threw up my Applebee’s food. Yum, but I felt so much better. We got some chips and a coke and sat down to eat. When we were walking back I thought I saw MG. Anteway, when we got back we sat down and listened to the last song. When the song was over, we discovered that our bag had been stolen. An umbrella, pair of shorts, a shirt, and cigs and lighter were stolen inside the bag. Also, my only brush. I was pissed. Well, after that, we left and headed home and slept till 1pm this next day. =) C-ya!

September 11, 1994

Last Friday night I stayed over at JH’s house. Things weren’t going so smoothly with me and AG at the time. I think he’s lost total interest in me and I don’t know what I’ve done or what I’ve said, but his feelings for me have changed.

Anyway, last Friday RH came over with AG to JH’s house. RH and JH are seeing each other now. We left with them and went out to eat. AG and I just kind of talked. We hadn’t even talked to each other for a few days before Friday. Well, we went to SW’s and we were fried off our asses. We smoked a joint right when me and JH walked in the door and we smoked another one when AG and RH had gotten there.

Well, at SW’s, AG and I started talking again and got closer. Finally we started kissing. Got, it felt so good to be with him again. A little while later we all left and SW and JR left with us. I had to sit in AG’s lap, in the left back seat. The exact same place I sat in when I was with JP on March 12. I sat in AG’s lap and kissed him over and over again. And then he went up my shirt and then he found my weakest spot on my body. It felt so great to be with him. I have a problem. The feeling, the feeling of being with a guy is my problem. I love it. Everyone on my dad’s side of the family are like major sex drives. They can’t get enough. And I’m sure that when I do have sex I’m gonna love it. And want it more and more. I love the feeling of being with a guy now. but, I don’t think I will be with AG ever again. He says he’s attracted to me, but other than that, I don’t see anything. Other than that, there’s no interest. He used to like me a lot. He would tell me how different I was from any other girl he’s met. He wanted to see me. He missed me when he didn’t get to talk to me. I’m so beautiful. I have gorgeous eyes, etc.… Now I look back at it as a bunch of shit. His way of getting to be with me like JP but getting to me in a different way. He’s an asshole like JP was. Every guy is an asshole. They all want the same damn thing. Oh well, I’m sick of putting up with the pain guys give me. I thought AG was different. I thought there would be something there between u, but I guess I was wrong. I don’t give a shit. I will not dwell on shit from the past. Gots to go. Love, A.

PS I did like AG a whole lot, and that is what pisses me off. He hurt me.

December 19, 1994

Hello, how’s it going? Pretty good here. KB came down the Friday after Thanksgiving and she spent the night with me. I quit smoking. I haven’t had a cigarette for 3 weeks now. Aren’t you proud of me? I am. I’ll tell you why I quit. Because I wanted to manage our wresting team with JH, but dad wouldn’t let me unless I quit smoking. So, here I am, and I am managing for the wresting team with JH. She takes care of the guys when they get hurt and I do the water and take score when we have our meets. It’s great. There’s about 14 guys. JH is going out with RM, one of the guys on our team. They are all such sweethearts. I love them all to death. We went over to NW’s last Friday and we were all wrestling around. It was fun. JH and I are going to give the guys Christmas cards and we are gonna bake them a cake for Christmas.

JH’s mom and BM are getting married Christmas Eve. I guess I’m going to the wedding, it depends on what time me and mom get home, but we will try to get home soon enough for me to get ready for it. I don’t’ think they should get married so damn soon, but oh well, that’s their life you know. JH’s mom wants us to serve people drinks and shit! And on Christmas Eve, too! As if they can’t get their own damn drinks and as if I don’t have better shit to do than serve people on Christmas Eve. But oh well, I’ll go anyway, for them, but mainly for JH. I think she’s gonna need me.

This Christmas is gonna be a little different. Why, because we’re gonna have people over Christmas Eve and we’re gonna have our Christmas dinner. That’ll be cool. I was hoping JH could come, but her mom is sending her away to her grandmother’s. She’s not even gonna be home Christmas morning with her mom! That really fucking bites. I think her mom is very inconsiderate of JH’s feelings. I guess I am, too, but I don’t mean to hurt her and shit, it’s just the shit I have been through, I guess. I have no fucking idea. But all I have to do, is say the least mean thing and she’ll start to cry. I don’t want to lose her friendship. I guess I better get my shit straight, you know, or she’s just going to get so sick and tired of my attitude and she’ll quit being my friend. I would really fucking hate that. I’ve got to change, I know I do, but I don’t know how.

Well, I guess this is all! C-ya later!

Not Dated- and not sure if this is made up or copied

Behold!

There it goes! It’s gone away!

Not to return, until the next day.

A new world has come

Full of mystery and questions

A thought comes and then disappears

And normal vision is full of smears

Of colors and movement that I

Haven’t seen before.

The sky is a wonder as I look at the clouds.

A 3-D illusion right before my eyes

White before blue and blue before red

Orange below red and yellow above the sun

How does it come about that this could be?

I question myself on what I see.

Darkness falls and the world is black

But the clouds still move and hearts

still beat even with the lights turned out.

The stars are seen, above the earth

And over to the left, in the trees, is an awesome sight

There before my eyes is a sight unforeseen

Because two twin devils are frozen in chant.

Legs bent and backs curved and a smile

of mirth loom down at me.

The night is late and morning is early

The weeper will calls to my ears

A nonstop nuisance to the sane.

To become insane. I love you JT

January 1, 1995

Well, a lot has happened, but I will keep it short. AG and I did quit seeing each other and he is now going out with B? I started getting good friends with JT again and my story about Halloween is in another diary. Well, we are friends and that’s the wayy want it to stay. Around December or something I thought I liked him a lot, but it just wouldn’t work out right for some reason. So, I joined the wresting team, and I’m managing it with JH, so I could get JT out of my mind. I started going out with JR and I believe now that maybe I went out with him just to do that. To get him out of my mind, JT, that is. So, I broke up with him because I only liked him as a friend. So now we are just friends and that is it. But now I’ve been talking to JT lately. We’re just friends and I’m not going to start thinking otherwise because if I do, everything will get fucked up again. Well, this is it!

January 16, 1995

Martin Luther King’s birthday. Part of my dream last night, well the only part that I remember is I had two little braids in my hair. One on each side of my face. Just like what JT had. I was sitting in the living room and thought about it for some reason. Mom took MeeMaw to the hospital so she could have a pin put in her ankle. It’s 2:30, they should be here soon. CC is mopping the floor, I think. C-ya!

February 23, 1995

Last night I had a dream that I was bitching, or rather yelling, at JT for being a liar. Two nights ago, I dreamed that AG came over in a truck with somebody and they hung around for a while. When they were leaving, they were going to shake my hand, but I wouldn’t for some reason. I found out that AG is moving to M soon. Now we’re going to have ourselves a hook-up. Cool. I talked to JT for half a minute. He’s been lying to me telling me he’s with some friends when he’s really seeing a girl named AV. It just pisses me off that he’s lying to me. So, I dreamed last night that I was on the phone with him and I said, “At least I haven’t been fucking lying!” And he didn’t say anything for a while. My dreams are getting strange. Anyway, he called today and asked for CC, and I said, “Who is this?”. He said, “JT” and I said “oh” and he goes, “oh, it’s just JT that’s all” in a sarcastic way. I didn’t respond and he goes, “hello?” and I said, “yes, call back and CC can pick up from downstairs”. So, he said “okay” and I hung up. My horoscope said to attempt to nourish a floundering relationship. I did. I called him and I beeped him. He’s probably with AV and that’s why he probably didn’t call me back. Either that or he’s pissed off at me or just doesn’t want to talk to me. I don’t give a shit anymore, so it doesn’t really matter. Well, gots to go! A

March 3, 1995

Tuesday, JT came over and we were downstairs. I was standing in front of the garage windows and looking out. He asked me what was wrong. I said nothing. He asked me if I was disturbed. I said, “yeah, I’m disturbed. Disturbed about everything for the past couple of weeks”. He asked me if he was include and I looked over at him and I said, “everything”. He started saying all this shit about what he’s been going through and about his mom moving to New Jersey. I said, “yeah, you got a lot of shit going on”, and then I just made myself be nicer and happier in front of him. I got to quit letting myself feel like this. He hasn’t answered my beep today. That’s alright. Just fine. I don’t understand why I’m letting myself get all worked up over this shit, I guess it’s because I care so much about him that I have to let myself go through this. It’s that or lose him, I guess. I might have already lost him, who fucking knows.

I spent the night with JH Wednesday night because her parents went to a concert and CC, CM and JT came over. I don’t understand him at all. Maybe he just doesn’t want to see me over the weekends or something. Maybe he’s fucking AV at TJS and AS’s. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m getting sick of this shit. My life sucks right now. It won’t for long, though, because I’m going to say FUCK YOU to JH and enjoy my life. She’s a fucking drag now and doesn’t want to do shit anymore unless it’s with Robby, her boyfriend, who is also a fucking drag. So going over to her house is no longer fun and I’m going to start hanging out with SD because she’s cool and still likes to do shit. So, FUCK YOU JH and your FUCKING BOYFRIEND! SEE YA LATER! I’m going to enjoy my life even if you don’t want to. That’s your own fucking problem.

April 9, 1995

Today I am in a state of bliss. Actually, Friday night I was more than now. I found out the most elating thing ever. Well, I saw JT and we needed to talk desperately because there has been some miscommunication between us ever since he wrote me that letter. But we cleared everything up this weekend. It took forever because we were constantly interrupted. Everybody was calling for JT here and there and wanted this and that. I started getting aggravated, but I stayed patient, and everything eventually came out.

At first, he told me something that my brother had said to him earlier in the day.

“CC asked me what I thought about you”, he told me.” I said, ‘yeah, she’s cool.’ And then he said something about you being a little young and that you were going to make somebody really happy one day”. He looked up at the stars as I was and the constellation that has a bow and arrow was right above. Not Orion, but somebody else I suppose. “I wonder who that could be”. He was looking at me while he said that. I moved my eyes from the stars and straight into his. He smiled with a question in his expression. “Mallory”.

“What?” I asked.

“Mallory. Mickey and Mallory? You’re Mallory and I’m, I’m Mickey. If you’ve paid attention to the movie, you’ll see that I think a lot like Mickey”.

“He makes a lot of sense in that movie. I guess that would be pretty cool if you could get away with it”. I sat there thinking about the movie. JT does relate to Mickey, and I believe I have a lot in common with Mallory. He just doesn’t even know.

“So, who are you dating?” he asks me, as if I can date in the first place, you know.

“Nobody”.

“Oh”, he says with disappointment written clearly across his face. I see now.

“I can’t date yet, JT. You know that”.

“Well, if you could, who would you be dating?”

“You of course. If that’s what you wanted, anyway.”

I could hear shit going on in the house. People moving around.

“If this conversation gets interrupted out here, we will get it finished tonight”

“Good, because that’s what I was hoping”.

“What?”

“That we would talk this shit out tonight. There’s some stuff that we need to talk about”.

“Like what?

TJS opened the door then and we stood up.

TJS says, “Hey man, everything’s cool. We got to pick up Becky and go to get that. You ready to go?”

We walk inside and AS, C?, and LU are in the dining room playing cards. I sat on a big, roomy chair and watched him put his boots on. He looks at me and motions me to walk to the door with him.

“Well, you guys be careful and don’t get caught or anything,” I say, smiling at CG, who’s already in the car.

“Are you coming with us?” TJS asked.

JT looks at me, “are you? Let’s go,” he says.

I run in, get my shoes, and get in the car. Yes! I’m going with them and won’t have to sit at the house bored off my mind waiting for JT to get back. JT gets in the back with me, and we ride straight into Atlanta.

Well, it’s morning now and I haven’t slept yet. If you woke up right now you would say it’s still nighttime. That may be true, but 5 in the morning is morning. My brother, CC, and LU are here now but crashed out. Oh well, that’s too bad. We’re supposed to go up to the Indian seats on top of the mountain today to watch the sunrise.

JT and I are up in TJS’s room, finally, by ourselves. I just know somebody’s going to come up here and bother us. We’re sitting on one of the beds. I was telling him what I thought about that letter and Amy and shit like that.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything before and let me know how you felt?” he asked me.

“I didn’t want to sound like Jennifer. You didn’t want that, so I didn’t say anything.”

“That’s not being over possessive. It’s good to be possessive, just not overly possessive.”

“You know I like you a lot, A”, he says to me five minutes or so later after some more conversation.

“Why?”

“Why? do you want a lame excuse or a real reason?” he asked me jokingly.

“What do you think?”

“Um, I like you because… you’re smart,” he laughs. Damn it! Why can’t he be serious when I want him to be the most? That’s what really pisses me off. but I let that slide.

The door is knocked on by God only knows and I get up to answer it. C?. God his eyes are huge. He looks like a fucking schizophrenic.

“Yes?” I ask him.

“What?” he asks ME.

“May I help you? Can I be of service? Do you need something?” I ask him quippingly.

“YOU can’t,” he responds.

“May I help you?” JT asks, still sitting on the bed.

“Nah, I was just letting you guys know the movie was on.”

“We’ll be down later,” I said and C? turned around to go downstairs. I sat back down on the bed and laughed.

“His eyes were huge,” I said. “Oh, I talked to my brother tonight about what he said earlier today. I asked him if he approved or disapproved, and he gave me the thumbs up sign.”

“That’s good…” TJS pulled in the driveway from taking CG home the second time tonight. He walks in the room 15 seconds later and starts talking about all these plans he has just thought up. They get together and discuss a lot of shit until about six or six thirty. AS is up in the room talking about going to the Indian seats.

“A, it looks like we’re going to have to make a rain check because I don’t think we’re going to make it,” JT says looking at me sorrowfully.

“That’s alright,” I said disappointedly, without hiding it.

“I know you’re angry, but we’ll just miss it. We can go somewhere else.”

“I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed, I guess.”

“I’m sorry, we’ll go sometime later. I promise.”

“Well, let’s go somewhere! I want to get the hell out of here and do something,” AS says.

We get up and go downstairs to go. LU and CC are asleep on the floor, and I wake up LU because she has to get ready to go to work. She has to be there by eight this morning. AS, LOU, C?, JT and I leave and go to some park near where they live. We find the perfect spot. I’m sure it’s not as good as the Indian seats but that’s okay. This will definitely do.

I saw a playground ahead so when we parked, I raced C? and JT to it and climbed to the highest spot. The sun was coming up. You couldn’t see it just yet but you could tell it was fixing to. The sky was a mixture of colors. Behind you was the darkness and the stars and above you the sky was a lighter shade. Then it turned purplish and pinkish. After that it was red, orange and then a pale yellow.

JT was shirtless and it was chilly out. I ran up to the car to get his shirt and leather jacket. I turned out to close the door and he was right there behind me. I gave him his shirt and jacket.

“I figured you were cold. Actually, I knew you were,” I said smiling into those lovely brown eyes of his.

He smiled back and said, “Come on,” motioning with his head. I followed him down to the mini jetties and sat down to enjoy the sight. He stood looming over me. I like him so much. I just can’t get my hopes up. Some might say I was crazy, and maybe I am, but knowing what I went through when I did get my hopes up from that letter he wrote me, I can’t do it again. This time I’m going at the feelings and the relationship slowly. If things were different, maybe I wouldn’t. I don’t know. If he ends up going out west again, then I don’t want to have all these feelings for him to be so deep that I’ll get hurt when he leaves or have to wait for him to come back. Plus, I can’t date until I’m sixteen, which is in half a year and I don’t know if he’s patient enough to wait for me. In the meantime, I’m barely able to see him and I can hardly stand it. It’s driving me nuts. And last of all, my cousin is coming to visit again this summer. KB and JT got along really well last summer. As a matter of fact, that’s how I really got to know him. CC already knew him, and he was coming by to see my brother and never left, really, until we left for Florida and KB for Michigan. They were a couple for all of maybe two weeks. So that’s another reason why I don’t get my hopes up. What’s he going to do when KB comes down?

All of this going through my mind and more in all of half a minute maybe while we’re looking out into the sparkling water. The waves were moving in like a circle. It was all so beautiful and here I am next to the man I could probably fall in love with one day.

May 28, 1995

Here I am. A living mortal among other living mortals, but yet far away from them. Me in my own world and my own life with no idea where it will lead. Where am I going? Where am I meant to be? I don’t know and I have so many questions unanswered. My life is swarming around me. So much to be done in so little time. What purpose do I have for being here? What great thing am I supposed to accomplish? Is there something out there for me, having gone through what I have gone through? My thoughts and dreams are bringing me a message that I can’t understand. Things going through my head, and I want to scream! I want to get out the things swimming through my mind, but I can’t. I know what they are but then again, I don’t. Sometimes I don’t know what to think and everything inside is just chaos. A massive confusion and I need help. I need a power. A force so strong that it will help me, and I will be normal. I want to forget. I want to forgive. I want to love! I want to fucking live. Why can’t I be like others? To be able to express myself the way I need to would at least be better for me. And who is going to read this? nobody. Not until I die will anybody be capable of getting to this. So much to do. So much to say. But to whom and to what? Who out there can understand what goes through my head when I can barely understand it myself? How do I get away from these crazy longings and beliefs? Why can I lay here and cry to myself when I can’t even cry in front of another being? What is to come of me? Will I go legally insane? To need mental help when I can’t talk of the things I keep inside. To talk to a stranger is impossible.

And then I want to be alone. Away from all the commotion produced by people I have no desire to be around. To want somebody to hold me and care for me and lead me the way, but yet, afraid to have that someone, or trust in that someone. To not know how to be around that somebody. I want to love and desire a person. I want somebody to share my feelings with, but am I to find that someone? I wish for so much, as I am sure most everyone does, but are they the same as I am? Do they think the same as I do? I look out into the world, and I see so much through these bright blue eyes and I can foresee through others’ lives, but I can’t through my own. So much disaster on the planet, so much death. And when am I meant to die? tomorrow? Next week? year? ten years? I do not and will not know. And then where will I go? Am I damned to hell because I spoke too late, and I have doubts and questions in my mind? I don’t know what to believe in because I don’t want to trust in something that is not there. I don’t want to be disappointed. But how do I know what to do? There is no one to tell me which path to take. All my decisions are my own and I can’t decide. I don’t know what to decide. “Do what is right and what will make you happy”, he says to me. But what is that? How can I know when you don’t talk to me? When you don’t tell me what goes on through that mysterious mind of yours. I don’t know you, and you think you know me so well. So does she. She thinks she has me all figured out, but she doesn’t. You have no clue as to what kind of person I am. All you see is the character I have learned to expose to people outside of me. A disguise to the real me, and you haven’t seen it because I don’t know how to show you. I don’t know if you want to see it. And now I feel like I am actually writing all this to you, but I know I’m not because that was not my intention. And I wouldn’t because this is too much for me to share with you. This last letter I wrote you was a mistake, and I know that now. I know it is time to say goodbye because I don’t want you to get hurt and I don’t want my heart to crumble any more than it has today. For crumble it has and there is nothing I can do for this broken heart of mine. I am heavy hearted, as if a ton of bricks are weighing it down, and it brings me down with it. Down into a dark hole I long to climb out of.

I’m going, going away. No solace anywhere. No one to help me out of this crazy state that I’m entering. God, I want to scream. I want to yell. I want to tell the world of all my troubles, but nobody gives a shit. Nobody cares. I’m alone. All alone. Family can’t even help because they have no idea. Get ahold of yourself, A. Shut the fuck up. Quit this bullshit. Everything is dandy. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. It’s stupid. You’ve gone too far and put up with too much to give up now. SHUT UP!! Quit thinking so fucking much. That’s all you do. Quit thinking and just let things be the way things are going to be. Dry your tears, put that straight face back on and forget about it all.

It’ll come. I don’t know what and I don’t know when, but it will come. And when it does, you will know. It’ll be like nothing you’ve ever seen before, and it will be great. The greatest thing ever. You’ll go in the right direction, and you won’t live to regret it. All this now is just a challenge. A maze, and you’ve almost made it to the end. You’ve almost come out of that maze and when you do, you’ll be free of all your troubles and hassles, and you’ll be your own self. The day will be bright and shiny. No more rainy days to darken your mood. No more dead ends. No more turning down a different path to find no end. It’ll come and you’ll be a brand-new person. Free in the wild, surrounded by beauty. You’ll run through lives, and you’ll be free of all troubles. Dry your tears and keep going. Bring out that beautiful smile you have and don’t take things to heart until you reach the opening out of the maze, and then, look at things with a new perspective.

I say goodnight to you now, A, and sweet dreams. Remember that I am here and will always I love you. your friend

I can’t do that. Don’t you understand? I can’t just put on a smile and say, “oh well!” that’s impossible for me to do. Thanks, anyway, but I can’t take your advice. I could try but I would still have things running through my head. There’s nothing I can do. Nothing at all. Who am I talking to anyway? My friend? Who is that? You think you know me? someone in there? Inside of me? Is that who? What’s wrong with you anyway? If you know me and know what I’ve gone through and what I think, then how can you say that? How can you tell me to just forget, or whatever you said about running through a maze? A fucking maze? What maze and I running through? And what are the dead ends I keep facing? What are they? AG? JT? anybody else? Or is it the conclusions I keep coming up with? Should I just shut up and quit thinking and just let things be? Time doesn’t stop. It keeps on going. Day after day my life goes by and to no avail. I am not certain as to what it will go to, and I don’t know what I want to do. I want to quit writing, but I can’t. I think I’m done; I think I’ve gotten out all I can get out for the time being, but I know there’s more. Much, much more. but I got to go. I got to say goodnight. So….goodnight.

June 1, 1995

Well, some shit has happened since last I wrote. JT quit seeing AV and one Friday night I finally went to TJS’s with SV and Andrea. I stayed there all night long and rode around mainly with SV, C?, MM and AS. A couple hours later, JT and TJS came home, and I didn’t say a fucking word to him. Later, SV and I were playing speed in the kitchen and JT came in and said, “well, hi, A”. And I told him hello. Everyone was tripping. We went to see the sun rise at BDP and it was cold. C? let me wear his black, leather jacket and I stood on a pole. The wind was blowing really hard and I almost went numb. I didn’t give JT much attention. Whenever I left the house, it was with SV, in his car. I ever went to sleep that night.

Well, things changed even more after that. The next weekend I came over again because JT invited me, and I left with JT, TJS and CG and we went to TJS’s aunt’s house in Atlanta. I got a little drunk. Every weekend after that, for the past couple of months now, I’ve been going over there until this past weekend. And each weekend got better and better because JT and I got closer and closer. He told me a secret that only his mom, dad, CG, TJS and TJS’s mom know about. Not even AA knows and he’s dating her, too.

June 11, 1995

Well, the for-sale sign is out in our front yard now. It sucks. It really fucking sucks. Moving to Florida this summer. I’ve decided to just think of the good things about it so I can kinda look forward to it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to never see JT again. I think I love him. It scares me a little, I think. I really don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want him to hate me. He could move down there with us. I’m sure mom and dad would let him rent a room or something. I don’t know. He was offered a modeling job this week. This guy came up to the car wash where JT works and wanted him to model. He says he wants to use his looks and go fucking crazy with it. Go for it, I say. I think it would be bad as hell. He told me that when I start school, I can tell all my friends that my boyfriend is a model. My boyfriend, he says. So, maybe he’s ready for a serious relationship. I don’t know. I hope so. I do love him. I can’t deny it any longer. He’s everything I ever wanted. And the cool thing is, is that we’ve been friends for almost a year now. So, I know him really well, and I can trust him, more than anything. Trust is really important. I think he has a lot of trust in me, too. That’s one of the key factors for a relationship. That and honesty and love, and I think it’s all there. For me, it is. For him, I’m not totally sure about. I hope so. More than anything I want him to be able to trust and love me.

I was told that he had been sleeping with AA and I was really pissed off about it. But talked to him about it and I’ve decided to just forget about it because I don’t want to be depressed my last summer here and if I end everything with him now, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. So, I’ve spent the whole weekend with him and I enjoyed everything because I was with him. There’s a lot more to it, I just don’t feel like getting into it. Gots to go, Love A

June 20, 1995

Okay, what to do. If only you knew what shit has to go through my mind. I have a choice. A hard choice. To move to Florida with my family or to live with my Dad. Oh God, my Dad. Now visiting him is not that bad and I love him to death, but to live with him? And my stepmom? Where’s my sanity? Or do I have any? These days I wonder. Sometimes my mind wants to slip like the last time I wrote. And it scares me. It scares me bad. I mentioned to mom today and I don’t think she took me seriously. And I am serious. Very serious. I climbed a few bundled trees today. The ones by my house. I climbed high, as high as I could go, and it felt good. Mom asked me what would happen if I fell. I said I kinda wished I had fallen. Oh, I didn’t climb it to try to kill myself, I climbed it because I’ve lived here for three years, and I wanted to climb it at least once before we moved. Which may be pretty soon here, and I’m scared. They want to live in the camper until they find a place to live, which may take a month or longer. I don’t want to live in the camper. I may go really crazy then.

JT went to AA’s house today. I told him Sunday I would wait for him in Florida until he wrote or called me and told me that he found somebody that he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with. He said that’s great, he’s glad to know that there will be somebody in this world waiting for him. He’s afraid that when I get down there that my mind and attitude toward sex and drugs will change. I guess he doesn’t know me well enough to know that that won’t happen. There’s too much of a risk of getting pregnant, AIDS, or any other kind of STDs for me to be stupid enough to fuck just anybody. He’s afraid that I will forget all about him and that when he finally gets down there that I’ll be with somebody else. When I go down there, he’ll be right down there with me in my heart, and I told him that. Mom says that if its true love and it’s meant to be, that we will be together forever. I don’t know. He told TJS that he loved me and that if we do ever have sex, it will be making love. I’m not like AA. I won’t make love to him until he tells me he loves me and means it. I know I love him, more than I have ever loved anyone else. And I am only truly happy when I am with him.

My mind feels so full, and I haven’t told you half of what is going on inside my mind. Half of it is indescribable anyway.

I think there is a purpose for me being here. I true purpose and I don’t know what it is yet. Or else, why am I here? Why my mind? in this body? why my life? why have I been put through the shit that I have? I don’t know. I’m trying to figure myself out. Trying to figure out who I really am and what kind of person I am meant to be. I told mom that I guess I won’t figure it out until I’m 85 and she shook her head. I said, what? Do you still not know who you are? And she said, nope. So what. Am I supposed to go through this torture for the rest of my life or what? It’s a hard life being a teenager. I can tell you that and it is not fun. Well, it’s got its advantageous parts to it, but it is hell, too. I told mom that sometimes I wish I were sent to a mental institution so I could be in a padded room all by myself. I want to be by myself. Away from everyone. I think those people who SD’s grandmother takes care of are lucky in a way. They are in another world. Their own world and don’t have to face the outside world. the hurt. the sadness. the loneliness. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m lonely. Lonely for someone who thinks as I do and feels as I do. Somebody I can talk to and tell of my life history. I’ve opened up to two people. JH and JT. JT understands more than JH ever will, but he really doesn’t seem to listen. Not to anything I have to say. He’ll talk plenty about himself and he opens up all the way with me. But that is what I wanted from the beginning. I wanted to be the person that he can trust and open up to and tell me everything that is on his mind. That was my sole purpose in becoming his friend. To be his listener and his rock of Gibraltar or whatever it is called. But now, I want something in return. I want him to listen to me and comfort me, and he has, but it still feels like he’s not really listening. Maybe he has too much shit on his own mind to worry about somebody else’s problems. But I need somebody. I need him, and I don’t know how to reach out for him. I feel so lost, and I can’t get home. But where is home? My life is changing so rapidly, and I don’t know what to do or what to make of it. God, I need somebody. I want to go away. Sometimes I wish we would just hurry up and move to Florida. But then, I wish I could just run away and live way up in the mountains where nobody can find me. Sometimes I wish some man would kidnap me and then kill me. Sometimes I wish I would go crazy. Sometimes I wish I were brave enough to kill myself.

I’ve lost him. I beep him when I needed him most and he doesn’t call. He doesn’t care. L said he’s a different person. Maybe he is. This is when I wish we would hurry up and move. He doesn’t feel like talking to me because he’s been with AA today. So, I have lost him. I can feel it. I don’t know why, and I don’t know why I ‘ve felt that he might be afraid of falling in love with me when he said he was afraid of falling in love. Why I feel so special enough that it could be me he’s afraid of falling in love with. After all, it wasn’t me he had sex with, that was the other A. They have those privileged and special feelings toward each other that I’ve been too stubborn or smart to let myself feel or share with him or anybody else. Little Miss A is going to wait until the right man comes walking down the street and declares his love for her, and then she will give herself to him. The one thing that she can give away to only one person, and one person only. I bet it’s kind of romantic in a way. Some people might think so. But I only want to be with one person, and I only want to give myself to one person. I don’t want to have sex with a lot of guys. Sex isn’t meant to be abused like that. It’s meant to be shared between two people where they join and become one. And they’re meant to be one for the rest of their lives. That’s why back in the old days girls were virgins until their wedding night. But it’s not like that anymore. Especially not in the 90s. These days everybody has sex with everybody, and nobody gives a shit. “just wait”, they tell me, “you’ll see”. I know I’ll see, and I know I’ll probably enjoy it, but I want to enjoy it with one person and one person only. Wishful thinking. It’ll probably never happen. God brought AIDS to this world for a purpose. People are abusing the special moments when two people join together and God is furious. He may be only disappointed actually, but I think he’s mad. And he’s doing something about it. The gays are the main people who spread AIDS and maybe God didn’t mean for men to fall in love with men and women to fall in love with women. I don’t think so. After all, he created a man and a woman. Not a man and a man or a woman and a woman. When two of the same sex come together, it doesn’t fit. A man and a woman come together like two pieces of a puzzle. That’s how the bodies were designed. But I’m not prejudiced against gays. I do laugh at it though, because I guess I think it’s funny in a way. I don’t know.

But anyway, I guess I will leave this world for a while and escape into another. By reading, of course. That’s my only salvation and it works. For a couple of hours anyway. A

July 29, 1995

KB came down from MI once again and stayed with me for a couple of weeks. We snuck out one night and partied with a bunch of college guys. I fucked around with one guy, and I don’t really regret it, I just wish it had been JT instead of that guy. JT and I don’t really have a sexual relationship. That really sucks but I don’t know what to do about that. Anyway, KB asked me if I wanted to go back home with her for a couple of weeks and I said sure. I would end up missing the Lynard Skynard concert with JT, but I went anyway. I don’t know if he was upset or not. I don’t think I really worried about it. I think I was having doubts about going, like it was going to be the longest two weeks of my life you know.

Well, I flew in an airplane for the first time of my life and was the most remarkable sight I’ve ever seen. Cars looked like ants and the trees. Oh my God, the trees made a large, rumpled, green blanket covering the earth. Every day I look up at the sky and watch the clouds and every day is different and beautiful. I watched the clouds up in the airplane and you’re right there in them and above them and you can see their whole shadow on the land on top of the houses and trees and roads.

I had the greatest time of my life in MI. I had so much fun I didn’t ever want to go home. There was hardly ever a dull moment the whole time I was there. I met a lot of people, and I partied my ass off. They are really outgoing and carefree and I could get along with all of them. They like to get really drunk and get naked. That is one thing that surprised me because they actually did get naked. Not everybody, just a few of the guys. Not to turn anyone on or be perverted, but to just do it because they didn’t give a shit and there’s nothing wrong with it really. You were born naked, you take a shower naked, and you make love naked. That’s what they say and its true. So, I just let myself be comfortable with it. I told JT this much last night and he thinks I’m nuts or something. I have something, I really want to tell him, that happened up there that is way too long for me to write. but after last night, I know now that I can never tell him. I was almost there just another couple of minutes, and I would have been telling him, but he cut me off at the fucking nudity part. Then there was silence, and I couldn’t go on so I got up and I walked around the back yard at Tony’s and Micky’s. I was really, really stoned. I can say that feely now because I finally got stoned with my mom the night I came back, this past Tuesday. Today’s Saturday. I told her how I partied up there except one thing which I will not mention on paper. It has a lot to do with what happened to me up North. Oh yeah, the night before KB and I left for MI, we smoked a joint with our aunt C. That was really fucking cool. Shush, don’t tell anybody, that’s a secret.

Wednesday evening, I went to the lake with JT, TJS and C?. JT and I had a lot of fun together. It felt so good to be back in his arms and to be kissing him like we used to. I say used to because the night before KB came down here, I told him I couldn’t see him anymore because of the bullshit about him and AA and me. After that, he called AA and told her he couldn’t see her anymore. So, until this past Wednesday, we hadn’t kissed like that for over a month. And it felt really good, and I was very happy.

BUT he is pissing me off once again. Making pans and then fucking them up and here I am at home all day again when I could be out doing something. I beeped him tonight at ten and then eleven and finally at eleven thirty I called over there. He’s tripping and No, he wasn’t planning on calling me back and Yes, he’s angry but he doesn’t feel like talking about it, so I hung up. Two weeks ago, I wouldn’t have, but I’m through with unhappiness. I want to be happy, and, by God, I will be and no man is going to stand in my way. If he wants to be angry at nothing, so be it, but he can just stay out of my way with his anger and depression. You got to smile and be happy and that’s what I ‘m going to do. To be continued another day….

August 14, 1995

At 4:00am Saturday morning we headed for Fort Myers, FL. JH and I stayed up all night Friday night. We made it there at about 7pm that day. I think. But we didn’t like it there, so we drove up to Panama City. We stayed the night in Ocala that night at about 11 and got up at 5am Sunday and made it to Panama City by 11am. JH and I met some “beef” that evening and stayed up talking to them until about 10pm. The 19yr old is Travis, the 18 yr old is Eric, and the 16yr old is James. James is from GA, some ways below Atlanta. He is nice but he feels like the “third leg”. Meaning, there’s two girls and three guys. He feels the one left without a girl. I wanted to explain to him, that we’re all friends and that’s it. Eric has an interest for JH and I don’t think her feelings are totally unmutual. There’s no point in getting a relationship, so just have fun. But I can’t and I really don’t want to anyway because of the way things are with JT and me now. Which are great. Better than they have been. Anyway, Travis is interesting. He’s really sunburned. They’re all pretty nice.

Well, today all we really did is drive around town. We drove to Club La Viela to see when it opened tonight and then to the Miracle Strip to get prices and then to Captain Andrews. We are going deep see fishing Thursday. Tomorrow night we are going to the Miracle Strip. One day we are renting a pontoon boat.

Well, tonight JH and I went to a party at Club La Viela. It was just for teenagers. Lots of “beef” there. There was great music, and it was loud as hell. The Dark Room had these awesome pictures and strobe lights were bad as hell. In the Underground there was a gargoyle that looked almost exactly like mine except it was bigger. We ran into this guy that I had Spanish all year long with. He was here with his brother who is my age and their cousin. That was so weird. And I talked to one guy who is from Gainesville and goes to North Hall. I don’t remember his name though. We came home at 12:15am. I don’t know what time it is right now. Probably around 2:30 or 3a. Before we left, we had to meet them across the street at Taco Bell, so, we went inside there to wait. We talked to these three guys with really weird names, and they invited us to go hit a beer bong, but we had to decline because we had to leave.

I’m a little stoned right now. Mom, JH and I smoked a joint. Dad drank. It was interesting. If we move, I want to move here.

August 15, 1995

Today we went to the beach. We stayed for about four hours. There was a really old lady on the catwalk with her daughter or granddaughter and she didn’t look too well. I told JH she looked like she was going to have a heat stroke or something. We walked another twenty feet maybe and we heard somebody yelling “help!”. It sounded like a kid, so we stood there for a few seconds. Then some people started running toward the person who was yelling. I looked right at where the old lady was at, and she had passed out. JH ran to get her some water and I watched her run. I let her take care of it, I guess. That’s her dream. To be a doctor and to help people. The lady was alright at the end. People were taking care of her; gave her shade from an umbrella and had her sitting down on a chair. We came back to the camper and dad was still in bed. He didn’t feel good, so he stayed inside all damn day. We didn’t go to the Miracle Strip because of dad so we’re going tomorrow night. Tonight, JH and I went to the little pier with Travis, Eric and James. JH and Eric did end up hitting it off pretty good. The guys were trying to catch shark. I talked to Travis and James. I believe Travis has some interest in me. I’m not sure. We came home around 11 I think, and we got ready for bed. I was laying up here on the top bunk starting to write and Travis comes knocking on the door. Mom and dad are in bed. He walks over here and asked me if I wanted to go walk the beach for a while. I said we were in bed for the night, and he should probably leave because my parents are in bed. He left and JH leans up here giving me a sad look. It doesn’t matter. He’s a nice guy but we are leaving Saturday and I’ll never see him again. This is going to be a really weird three days because I know we’ll be spending a lot of time with these guys.

August 16, 1995

Dad thought he had a kidney infection. I’m not sure if he still thinks he does. We went into town with Eric and Travis and played pool with them. I’m stoned right now. Don’t mind me.

Anyway, after that we went to the Miracle Strip. But even before that the four of us sat in the camper. Yeh, fun. Travis and Eric came to the Miracle Strip. Travis is starting to wear down my nerves. We’re going deep sea fishing tomorrow, so I won’t see him until around 4:30 or 5 but then I have to go with JH and Eric and Travis out somewhere. I really dred tomorrow evening. He’s a nice guy but I’m trying to be cold to a point where we’re just friends but not friendly friends. If you understand what I mean. But he, for some reason, doesn’t understand this and it’s driving me mad. I don’t want to be mean, but I think I’m gonna end up being just that. I really hate that because I think he feels bad about Eric mackin out with JH and he’s not doing too great. Travis that is. I have a feeling that they’re boosting up their ego between each other. They know they’re good looking. JH is too trustworthy, but she’s having fun. I don’t know. JH keeps on asking me, “who’s gonna know?” I told her GI and AI at first and she said she would keep her mouth shut. I realized after a while that it’s not right and it would matter to me. She asked me again, the same question and I mouthed to her, “me”. She rolls her eyes at me. Like I’m dumb. Mom and dad takes two dumb pictures with me and Travis sitting by each other, and GI says she took them to blackmail me. “Blackmail me for what?” I say. I’ve done nothing but allow him to put his arm behind me while we were in the truck, and it drove me absolutely nuts. I am attracted to him in no way. Not only that. If I could be with another guy, then that would mean I wasn’t right for JT and we weren’t meant to be. That would make me really sad and really depressed. And I can’t be with another guy. I was around CS that one night KB and me went out. I felt so bad when I got home. I tried to explain that to him when he asked me out to go to a movie. I said it should have never happened because I didn’t want a relationship for one and for another, I didn’t want to have to lie to my mom about who he was and I didn’t feel anything click between us. I didn’t feel it with Travis. I don’t feel it with Travis. I don’t know what this means between JT and me. I guess we will find out sooner or later.

August 17, 1995

Your body clicks off like a light switch when you go to sleep. Why like that? What happens when you’re sleeping? Your soul leaves your body, that’s what I think. Your body is made as a shell to give a place for your soul to be. Your eyes make you see, your legs let you walk, your ears make you hear, etc. But when you sleep your mind totally switches off out of nowhere. You don’t remember when exactly you fell asleep. So, in your dreams your soul is still awake. It’s still moving, your body is just resting. In your dreams, you can’t run as fast as you try, and you can’t scream as loud as you try because you’re not in your body and you don’t have the legs to help you move or the vocal box and lungs and mouth to help you scream. Everything is hazy because you don’t have your eyes and it’s hard to put two and two together and remember all your dreams because you don’t’ have the brain. But you are there. That is you. You are not laying on that bed sleeping. Your body might be, but YOU are not. It’s like when you die. Your body is dead. It’s been used up as long as it can be used. Your soul is not dead. yes, reincarnation. Of course. You change bodies, but you start in a brand new one. Not a little fetus growing inside a mother’s belly. Do you remember being there? Of course not. Nobody does. Do you remember being born? Of course not. Your body is not functioning totally yet. Your brain is not totally developed. Tonight, JH and I have decided to try to meet at her old dock while our body is resting. It may not work, but we are going to try.

Anyway, Eric and Travis left this morning at 8. We went deep sea fishing and I caught six little fish. Dad caught a 21lb black fish. I don’t know the name of it. I’m glad they left. JH is not.

August 18, 1995

Last night I changed again, going to sleep and I kept the picture of the old dock in my mind. I started to get really hot and sometimes I clicked off and I was dreaming about these people who I babysat for and then all of a sudden I was slowly floating to the floor in my laying down position and I was getting scared and I made myself jerk awake. I had heard a man’s voice saying things in a language I couldn’t understand. But it really freaked me out. I woke JH up and told her what happened. And I tried to get back to it, but I just had a really weird dream.

Today we rented a pontoon boat, and we swam with the dolphins. I actually was next to one and petting him! I’ve always wanted to do it. To be in the water with dolphins. It was great! They are so soft and pretty.

Anyway, then we went to a headshop called Head to Toe. I got a coo bowl that is the shape of an alligator and it’s made of some kind of stone. The color is black.

Then that night, we three got stoned again and I started the chant in my mind again. I slowly drifted away from everything, and I never blinked but once or twice, and this went on for about five minutes before I finally closed my eyes. I wasn’t sleepy and I wasn’t going to sleep, I was just going away. Dad interrupted it by saying I was going to go to sleep on the. I opened my eyes and listened in on what everyone said. It was cool

August 19, 1995

We got home, finally, today around 6:30. School starts Monday. That really sucks, but it’s okay, too, I guess. I’m kind of ready to go to school.

JT called me from Colorado tonight. He told me before he left that he wouldn’t be calling me from there, but he did anyway. He said he had to call me; he couldn’t take it anymore. I’m so glad he did. He’s building a real log cabin for this guy out there. He’s leaving Tuesday and it’s a 3-day trip back. They are probably going to stop in Kansas to see where Billy the Kid lived or died or something like that. I can’t wait until he gets back. He says he’s getting his beeper number changed and is giving it to me and maybe TJS. He’s getting out of all the shit he was in before he left. He’s getting his GED and he’s planning on going to college in the winter. I hope so. I really do. I know he can do it once he puts his mind to it. I believe in him. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I really hope we last.

There’s something really strong between us and it’s getting stronger. I’ve confided in him of my most secretive past and I feel closer to him. We will always be friends no matter what happens. If we don’t work out, we will still be friends. That’s what we were for the longest time before we told each other how we felt about each other. He’s my best friend. More than JH, I believe, but he’s more than that, too.

I’ve been learning a lot about him. Figuring out bits and pieced as the days go by and I’m with him more. I’m learning to except and adapt to his ways which are not totally my ways.

I was at his place two weeks ago and we stood out on the back porch and talked for about two hours. Both of us conversing with each other and it was great.

He’s not seeing AA anymore. I mean he’s cut her off totally, except they’re friends. I know this is the truth because CG told me without me having to ask anything. I wouldn’t have anyway. I guess it’s just him and me now. I’ve waited a very long time for this. I love him to death.

August 21, 1995

I started 10th grade today. It was fine. I wasn’t nervous like I thought I would be. I’ve been writing so much the past week you would think I would have run out of things to talk about, but I guess not because here I am. I’ve been getting an urge to write every day. I think I’m getting into the chanting. It’s “hare rama, hare rama, rama, rama hare, hare; hare krsna, hare krsna, krsna, krsna, hare, hare” I read a little more about it and what it said should happen is what has been happening. I can’t wait to tell JT about it. I can’t wait till he gets bac. I want to see him so bad. I wrote him a letter and sent it to him in the mail so I couldn’t change my mind. I keep wanting to call him, but I can’t because he’s gone. It drives me nuts. I hope that when he tells me he loves me, he’s telling the truth. I can only hope to God that we are meant to be and that we will be together always because I want him to be the one I give myself to. I want to share that beautiful experience with him. It can’t be like this twice. A once in a lifetime feeling, I think, and I don’t want to lose him ever. We will always, always be friends no matter what happens. I guess this is all. I just wanted to talk to somebody about him.

August 30, 1995

JT’s been back since Monday. Well, in town anyway. He got back from Colorado Saturday. He came over Monday and I wasn’t expecting to see him until Tuesday. We went for a walk and talked. Then he came over at 10:30 last night right when I was getting into bed. Surprise! Surprise! He brought mom and me a present he had made for each of us.

He says he’s getting a new bike and a truck. He says he probably wouldn’t last waiting as long as 8 months like JH’s ex-boyfriend did. I think I will find out and see. If he waits or if he doesn’t wait. So, months from now on April 30, 1996, I will give myself to him if he makes it, of course. If he doesn’t, then I will know that he wasn’t meant for me. Well, maybe I’ll change it to six months. So, on February 30(oops! no 30th in February!), no on March 1, 1996 I will give myself to him. I think that sounds just fine. We told each other we had feelings for each other around six months after we met. It took us another six months for us to get where we are at now, and it will be another six months before we are entwined together in love, totally.

I started reading some more in the book I got the chants from. Krsna Consciousness it is, and it really interested me. This guy I’ve met at school goes to the Hare Krsna temple in Atlanta w this other guy I know. He invited me to go with them this Friday and I really wanted to go, but mom won’t let me. She says when I’m 18 I can do whatever I want with that stuff, but not now.

I’m having a real problem in not knowing what to believe. I need to know which direction to take and what is right. I really don’t know what to do and I want to know. It’s driving me absolutely nuts. I mean, if all what the Bible says is true, then I need to get over this and do what I’m supposed to do. I need to know now, and I can’t wait til I’m 18yrs old. That’s 2yrs from now. I dont know. I gotta go, I’m stone and I got to go to bed.

September 5, 1995

This past weekend was great. Well, Saturday and Sunday were anyway. I stayed home Friday night. My family went camping and I wanted to go to the Hare Krna temple in Atlanta Friday night, but mom forbade me to go. So, I stayed home. But Saturday JT came over and we went swimming at the pool and we had a great time. Just the two of us at my house. It was great. I like it when it’s just the two of us. Its more special I think, and it was. I made him something to eat after we came inside, and I had the music on. Then he left and CC had BA and JC over. Well, I was supposd to spend the night with JH that night and when she and GB showed up to take me home with her, I told her I wasn’t going because JT and I had plans for the next day. So, she left and the next night I spent the night with CG. Mom and dad came home that day ad JT came and picked me up around six or something. The four of us left and went around town and then back to JT’s. I went downstairs to his room, and he had a picture of AA sitting on top of the TV for everyone to see, especially me. It made me upset I guess, but I just let it go. He told me he went and saw her the other day and she gave it to him. So, it was a gift. Whatever. I decided to not be unhappy that night, so I believed him and let it go. For that night. It still makes me mad, and I don’t understand why he had to go see her. I still have doubts in my mind about the two of them and I may for a pretty good while, but he says it’s just him and me now, so I’m just going to concentrate on that and if I get hurt, then I get hurt. He said last night that it feels right, to him, and I guess he’s going for it. Everyone says he’s sexy as hell. I suppose so, but that’s not why I love him so much. It does help, though. I guess I really never expected to have such a good-looking boyfriend. Not me. You know what I thought about myself earlier in this journal. And it wasn’t that I was pretty. But I’ve changed a lot since then. I’ve been caring more about how I look.

JT says I’m a spoiled brad, and I’ve never considered myself spoiled. Never. I don’t know why he says that, but he does. JT says I’ll be getting a ride home from school pretty soon here. I said how, you’re gonna be working. He says, if I only knew. Well, tell me. I haven’t got it all figured out yet. We’ll see, I think to myself. I’ll be giving myself a ride home in a couple of months here, so I don’t know what’s going on in his head. How does he think he’ll be giving me a ride home? He has to work if he wants to have money. We’ll see. I guess.

CC is fixing to move out and live with LU (his girlfriend). They’re getting a trailor and I get to move into his room. Yes! I finally get my own room and I get to hook up my own phone. Yes! I say again. It’s fucking bad as hell. I can’t wait.

I had a dream with AG in it last night. Those old pleasurable feelings came out again. But I stayed away from him. I didn’t want last year all over again, but it was hard. It really was. He was just there, during the whole dream. It was really weird.

Blair told me today that he had called her last night and told her that EP and TP were back in town. I’ve been trying to get in touch with him so I can tell him to tell them to come visit us. It’s so hard getting in touch with somebody who doesn’t have a phone or beeper, you know.

Anyway, I got to go. C-ya later

September 21, 1995

I do not see, and I do not hear. I do not care. What matters to me, is not here. Every day I go through the whole damned thing, and it really sucks. I do not speak unless I must. I do not seek out new friends and different people. I talk to my friends, but not much. Mostly I’m quiet and am in my own world. I guess that’s okay. Nobody seems to have a problem with that. But something inside me is eating my life away. I need something. I want something. I want to be happy and crazy. I like walking down the halls and saying hello to people I want to say hello to and get a response back from them.

But, when JT doesn’t call me back and I don’t talk to him in a whole day like yesterday, it puts me in a bad mood. Like this morning, I almost hit a fucking elementary school teacher. She was pushing me behind a line, and I told her that I can move myself and to NOT touch me. God, she pissed me off. I’ve never done that before. Shown anger toward a teacher like that, but she was fucking touching me, and I did not like that.

Two nights ago, JT and I were talking on the phone and we got into the discussion about hunting deer, and I said I didn’t like that. I don’t like the thought of people shooting deer, but I understand why that goes on. For the population, but that doesn’t mean I have to like that. I have the right to my own opinion. Well, JT said that I wouldn’t like the Appalachian Trail then. I said, “why? Because I don’t want to kill deer, much less, eat them?” And he goes on telling me how I feel is wrong and that I’m just no aware of anything and am basically dumb. I don’t know if the conversation is the reason why he didn’t call me back or what. But my day has been ruined because of that. Why? Because when something like that happens, he is either with AA or something serious has happened. If he’s with AA then I have a reason to be almost in tears like I am, but if it’s something serious then I have a reason to be worried. So, I’m worried and I almost have tears in my eyes. And what will really piss me off, is if he doesn’t have any particular reason for not calling me back.

JH and Mitchell are funny. Mitchell is a preacher. It’s weird because there are a few preachers at my school that are like my age. I didn’t know they could be preachers at that young of age. I think they will be dating pretty soon here. I wish JT and I would go out like normal people do.

September 22, 1995

JT is sick. I didn’t talk to him all day yesterday either. He said he was coming own with a cold when I had talked to him, so I suppose he has gotten worse. I called last night, and BS said that he was in his apartment and he wasn’t feeling good and didn’t want to come upstairs. So, I guess I probably won’t be seeing him tonight, which really sucks, but that’s okay. I guess I’ll live.

Today has been a much better day. I don’t know particularly why, I guess it’s because its Friday. I got into a talk with Jody today about getting stoned, and he is against it. I hate him looking down on me for that because he is a good guy.

It’s ironic. I can sit here in this class (world history) and totally pay no attention at all and then turn around and make a 97 on a test. I think it’s funny. All you have to do is read the damned book. Big deal. My teacher is weird. She is definitely a freak and I bet she gets stoned. She gets really angry most the time because everyone in here acts so fucking dumb, but when she gets in a good mood, she is just crazy. What is wisdom? She asks. That’s not crazy, of course.

October 1, 1995

Damn the clouds look so cool today. I can’t describe them.

Last night I spent the night at JT’s. It was really weird. We got there and went straight downstairs. He talked to me. He said he’s going nuts because he hasn’t had his needs fulfilled in three months. He doesn’t know if he’s going to be able to hang.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I love him to death, and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else but him. We’ve been really good friends for over a year. He says he loves me. So, what am I waiting for? There’s nothing else to wait for. So, I told him I was ready. He feels weird because I am a sister of one of his good friends.

I got drunk last night, and I started feeling really depressed. I felt like I had lost him. He later said that he was getting depressed about me at the same time. He was thinking about the age difference, among other things. I drank two beers and took a couple swigs of tequila and I got sick last night, but that’s okay. I can handle that. I decided (this was before I got sick and before everyone came downstairs to smoke one) that I was drunk and did not want to be depressed. JT was downstairs with me, and something looked wrong. He looked troubled, I guess I would say, and he sat down on the bed. It was dark and the music was on loud. I walked over to him and leaned down, and I placed my hand on his knee and looked up at him. I wanted to help him, to know what was going on through is head. To know what was wrong. The music stopped and he layed down saying he was cold, so I rubbed the cold spots on his back. He said I make him feel so good, yet I make him feel so sad. “why?” I ask him. Unfortunately, I don’t remember his response.

Everyone came downstairs then but JT and I were both in better moods. (oh, another thing I forgot to say. The plan was that I spend the night with him, but while we were upstairs and I was starting on my first beer, he asked CG if when she went home, that I could go with her, without consulting me first. I would have just gone home. That’s one thing that made me depressed). We all smoked a nice fatty and eventually they all left except AS. I started feeling really fucked up and I knew that I would be getting sick pretty soon so I layed down hoping it would pass. I wasn’t tired, but JT thought I was crashing out on him, so he went upstairs. That was fine for me because I knew I wouldn’t fall asleep, I just needed to get sick and then I would be fine. I finally did and then I went upstairs. CC and JT were the only ones up there. (TJS took CG home) so I sat on the couch and finished watching tales from the Crypt show with them. At about one, I think, I almost crashed so I told JT I was going to bed. I went downstairs, changed, and climbed in bed. He came down a few minutes later to “tuck me in” and we started something, again, that we both knew wouldn’t be finished. But he asked me if I was on birth control and I said no, and that is what is keeping us from going ahead. About a month after I finally do get on it, then we will be able to do that. To make love. The more I think about him the more I can’t wait.

I asked him how long it has been since he’s been tested, and he said a year so I said that he should before anything happens between us. I am drunk, remember this. Actually, please forgive me, because my timing of which exactly happened first and so on is a little mixed up. But I’ll just continue to tell it his way. I think it is right. He got up and was angry toward me. I wanted to cry and scream and just pitch a damned fit, but I didn’t because that would be dumb. Really dumb. I got up and followed him to the bathroom and tried to fix it. To explain to him how I felt, and I apologized because I knew I didn’t say it right and I could understand why he reacted the way he did. I think we kind of patched it up sort of before he went back upstairs (or my story is just fucked up and that conversation occurred earlier) because he sat down beside me and tucked me in and talked to me a little while longer. It was almost three when he went up. They were going somewhere, and I told him to let me know when he got back. He went up and I went to sleep on his bed, in his room, by myself.

4:00 in the morning he’s sitting beside me again and he gives me something to drink. I am really sleepy and he’s trying to talk to me. They never went anywhere. I wish I could repeat everything he said but it’s hard. He apologized for getting so angry earlier and I was right for thinking the way I do. Those precious moments with him (half asleep or not) meant a lot to me. He was smiling and showing the affection for me that I rarely do see. It’s not because he doesn’t have them, it’s just because he’s built up so many walls inside that it’s hard for him to show them. But it’s hard for me, too. So, who’s going to teach who? He was caring for me and talking to me, but his eyes. His eyes are what really got me. They are what made me happy and made me stay up and listen to him. He kept me up for an hour and then let me sleep. He said if he laid down with me now, he wouldn’t get up until three, so he tucked me in, again, and went upstairs and I went to sleep.

6:00 in the morning he wakes me up again and gives me a cigarette and something to drink. He apologizes, but he has to come downstairs. He read me this poem he wrote while he was in Colorado.

“No sign of man, but me. No sign of pollution, but me. No sign of cancer or disease, but me.”

Those are three sentences out of the poem, but it was like five or six paragraphs. The title is Peace and Serenity. And it made tears come to my eyes because I want to be there so bad. I want to get away from damned civilization. I envy him so much because he’s been there, and he’s seen it. He’s very lucky. He read me some other things that he had written down. Some wise sayings that one of the two men he went out there with told him. He said that that man was like a grandfather to him because he’s never really had a grandfather around. JT is a very smart person. He says he puts himself down a lot and he shouldn’t. He’s getting his head together more and more though and I’m proud of him. Well, he went back upstairs, after tucking me in again, around seven and I didn’t go back to sleep. I layed there and thought. I tried to sleep, but I couldn’t quit thinking, so, around 7:30 I sat up and smoked a cigarette. I was halfway through, and he came back down again. He felt bad, or he said he did, for keeping me awake. Secretly, I think he was perfectly happy that I hadn’t gone to sleep. He decided he was going to lay down and he set the alarm for 1:00. We never actually went to sleep until about 11:00. He talked a lot, and we cuddled.

We woke up at 1:00 jumping ten feet out of the bed when the alarm went off, took showers, and left for my house.

I didn’t talk much on the ride home. He did though. He says he feels like he was pushed into this situation, and I told him that I wasn’t trying to do that. I never was. But somehow, I guess I did and I don’t know what to say. I really don’t want him to date other people because I don’t want, no, I won’t have a physical relationship with him if he’s having one with someone else, but, if he wants to do that, I can’t stop him. He wants to figure himself out and get his life in order and it’s hard for him to do that with me or any other girl in his life. So, I will no longer expect this and that from him. I won’t expect him to call me every day and I won’t expect to see him every day either. If he decided he wants to go back to the dating scene then he can do that, we just won’t have a physical relationship, since that would be the reason why he’d do that in the first place.

Well, it’s getting dark, I can’t see well anymore, I gotta go.

October 7, 1995

Today I sat inside and did absolutely nothing but read, watch one movie and thought. My mom is weird. This movie is distracting me, but I have nowhere else to go but here. Nowhere to go to be alone. I think if I did have a place, I’d be there all the time. I like being alone sometimes. I need time to myself to be away from other people.

I figured out why I don’t talk much. Because I write. I say all that’s in my mind on paper and then I don’t have to keep it in my head. Once I’ve said it, my thoughts have been said and then there’s no need to say them again. Instead of sitting here and thinking, I write. I think by writing. So many thoughts and still I don’t get them all down. But little, by littl, I do. If only you could hear the way I sound in my mind as I write and the tone and meaning, everything would be perfect. I write as if I’m writing to somebody, but really, I’m writing to nobody but myself. It sounds so fucking sad, but this is how I release myself.

I usually don’t talk how I am now. It’s usually how I feel that day about different things. The thing is, is that I don’t really feel today.

I told JH I would go with her to a town yesterday because I didn’t think plans with JT tonight would work out. I told her at school. We went to the fair last night and at one time JT mentioned something about using the extra tickets until the end of the fair. Sunday, I guess. Well, the fireworks were tonight, and we talked about it a little earlier this week. JH had asked me to go earlier this week, too, and I told her I had plans. Anyway, after he said that, I told JH I wasn’t going, that I had already had plans first, and that was it.

Today, I felt bad because I didn’t like doing that, to a point. I don’t know. What would her parents think? What would they say? Would JH explain why I wasn’t going? And then I just said fuck it. I almost told her I would go anyway because I had a feeling I wouldn’t be going anywhere anyway. An assumption.

Here I am. I was right, and I’m not angry. Not angry at all. sometimes, I just don’t like being right, that’s all.

It’s strange. For a while I’ll just be taking things as they go and I’m fine. And then I look at what I’m doing and how my life is, and it seems so crazy. Should it be like this? I ask myself. Everything seems so jumbled and so quick. I don’t know how to explain it.

At school, I look at people. Mostly in 6th period because I’m sitting up against the wall and I see everyone. I look at them and imagine how an alien would see us, and we’re all creatures. We’re human, yes, but we’re also animals. And we’re very strange looking. Most animals are on all fours or more, but we’re on two. We’re not hunched down like monkeys, and we don’t walk, squatting, like birds. We are totally in upright position. Think how bears and dogs look when they stand on two legs. Excpet, we don’t look like that. We have asses that stand out and most women have breasts.

Our feet and toes are the weirdest. We’re land animals so we don’t have webbed feet, we have pads. I think we should have suction cups. Could you imagine suction cups on your toes and fingers? Ha!Ha! Here’s a thought. How would you sit if you had no ass? But the scientific answer to why we do, and everything about how or why our body is made the way it is made is evolution. I’d love to get into a discussion with JT about evolution. There’s so much more to it and eventually it is led to religion. Touchy subject with him and me, and it doesn’t have to be. We shoul be able to get into any discussion like that and not get into an argument about it, just because we disagree. JT, I wish, no really want you to do that so I can talk to you about deep deep things like that. If he notices, he’ll see that we really don’t get into discussions, except when he’s talking. I don’t get to respond very much, and when I do, I’m wrong. The last discussion we got into was when we were out on the back porch. I know we can do the same thing when we are straight. A couple of examples of being wrong: hunting-I can’t have my own opinion, no matter what. I guess; and the temple-since you’ve been bringing it up every now and then anyway. All I wanted to do was go there and see. But these are just things I’ve thought about all together the past six weeks, and there’s more.

But there have been a good bit of good things that have happened, too, although they are confusing. Even though you make me go insane sometimes you have also made me very happy. Last Saturday night when you kept waking me up, I stayed up with you because of the look you had on your face. Very rarely do I see that look. It’s not a bad one. It’s definitely good. It’s one I’ve always wanted to see from somebody. I think to myself, maybe it was just because I was half awake and you seemed like a dream, I don’t know. It was peaceful and relaxing. That’s the only description I have. But there was something else that I see from my real dad, too. I just can’t explain it. All I know is that it made me feel good inside. I gotta go. A PS: smile and be happy

October 14, 1995

She sat there on the couch listening to the soundtrack to Godfather. The perfect music to relax to. Such a peaceful, quiet world. Relaxing. Smoothing. Cajoling. Today she thought of something. Early this evening she saw the most awesome sunset she has seen yet. Dark blues, bright fluorescent orange, pretty purples and amazing yellows. Plus, the clouds with the whole thing made the sky absolutely amazing. She wanted to take a picture of it, but she didn’t have a camera. If only the view lasted long enough to paint. But it doesn’t, so you just have to sit there and watch it and love it while you can. But tomorrow there will be another, different sunset and it will look cool, too.

Berry College. She thinks about the place. It is a beautiful school. It has a pretty view of the mountains and it surrounded by nature. The perfect collect, and its cheap. She doesn’t know what she wants to major in. funny. In the 1800’s and before, women didn’t worry about things like that. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be, she thinks. Women are supposed to be dependent on the man. The men are supposed to take care of the woman and that’s it. Waited on hand and foot, but it goes both ways. Yeah, right. Not today. This is the 90s, man, and women are no longer dependent on a man. They can take care of themselves perfectly well.

She wonders if she will be independent all her life or if she will have a man that takes care of her forever and ever. Is it possible these days? She thinks. She thinks a lot!

Does she think too much? She asks herself. Or does she just not talk enough. She doesn’t know. She wishes she did.

How can anyone say what is right or wrong? Her mind wanders, going from one subject to another, never stopping and staying on one.

She has a man in her life. A very complicated man. he makes her happy and makes her mad. But no matter how mad he makes her; she stays around and tries her hardest to make him happy. She adapts to his ways and his life. It’s a very confusing and complicated relationship. Sometimes she wonders what she’s doing and asks herself what’s going on. Sometimes she doesn’t know where she stands with him in his life. But her horoscope said that everything’s fine and to have no worries. So, she’ll do just that. She’s just going to let things be ow they are and go with the flow, you know.

Sometimes she wishes she could just get up and leave for a while. Got out to the mountains and be by herself or with him. Share that feeling with him. Something they can both understand and appreciate. Be there for ever and ever and be away from society and civilization. Colorado. She wants a real log cabin in the Rocky Mountains. Heck, the Appalachian Mountains will be just as fine, but the Rockies are better. She wants her own island with a volcano that doesn’t work anymore. She wants a treehouse like Swiss Family Robinson. They had an awesome treehouse. The island has to have a small, freshwater spring with a little waterfall. And it has to be deep enough so you can jump off high rocks and dive into the water. There would be all kinds of fruit around the spring so you can reach over and eat something. The water surrounding the island would be so clear, you could see fish swimming hundreds of feet below. It would be a beautiful turquoise color and the sand would be a perfect white. The sunsets would be the perfect spectacle to see before dark. There would be little monkeys like the kind you see at fairs, and they would become so friendly that they rode on your shoulder and played with your hair.

Ah, but that is just a dream. She has many of them and it seems like she won’t have enough time to do all that she wants to do. She gets up and walks into her bedroom to get some paper and a pen. She walks back into the other room and sits back down on the couch. So comfortable here. She has decided to write down what she wants to do.

She wants to learn to fly a plane. Then when she’s rich she can buy one and fly it herself. She wants to skydive at least one time. Think of the rush you’d get from that. Ah, it would be so cool.

She wants to learn how to scuba dive so she can go undersea and see all the beautiful organisms. She’s like to learn how to draw sunsets or just the sky itself with pastels. Then she’d do it all the time.

The main thing she wants to do is travel all over the world. That is one goal that she will fulfill. Above all things. She wants to go to England, Paris, Ireland, Germany, Italy, Venice, Egypt, and many other places. But then, she wants to travel this country, too. She wants to see the Statue of Liberty, the Golden Gate Bridge, the Grand Canyon, and she wants to hike the Appalachian Trail. He’s going with her to do that, too. She hopes so anyway. Even if he doesn’t, though, she will.

she needs to quit smoking if she wants to do that, though. She says it’s no problem, but she knows it is, because she hasn’t quit yet, now has she. But that’s okay. She has plenty of time for that, right? Wrong.

She’s getting tired of thinking. She thinks she will do something. Read, perhaps? That sounds good. She’s reading Queen of the Damned, now, and it’s really good.

October 20,1995

The letter. That is what she’s been thinking about all day today. The poem, the poem that almost brought her to tears when JT read it to her, brought her to tears as she read it to herself. She doesn’t know why, because it’s such a simple worded poem, yet it makes a deep impact on her. He describes it in his words, written from the mind straight to the paper, the way he sees it. That is where she wants to be, with a strong, strong passion. Oh, to be there right now. That would make her life.

But there are other things about that letter that she has been thinking about just as much. He tells her that when he thinks of her, he will smile, and that he will always love her. But is he sure? Does he really think he loves her? She doesn’t know. He tells her to wait for him. But what if he changes his mind, because he has found someone else, and she had waited for nothing? She wants him to be absolutely positive, because she will wait, if he is. You bet she will. She had said she would before, and it’s even more strong than it was then. The feelings get stronger and stronger every day. She loves him more than anybody she ever has before. It’s such a different feeling she has ever experienced. But she is more innocent than people she is. People are surprised when they hear she’s still a virgin. She’s just fixing to turn sixteen years old! These days the average age for kids losing their virginity is eleven. She is proud of herself. She’s a little afraid of giving it up. But she’s losing that, too; but very, very slowly. At the time anyway. She does know why. For this past week she’s been questioning herself about either she should be worried about JT working with AA or not. She doesn’t know what to think. Until, she read the letter, she wondered if he was really lying to her about not seeing AA anymore and that everyone else was lying to her, too. But then she decided that wasn’t true. She doesn’t believe he would lie to her. What would be the point? But then he does have her picture sitting on top of his TV and he does glance over at her a couple of times, so she knows he does when she’s not around. Is AA more pretty? Does he think so? And he has picked her up in her car and now he works with her. She was over there Wednesday night, for a long time. She’s sure. And he says something to her on the phone that makes her wonder if he’s comparing her to AA. But then, he wrote that letter to her that same day and he had apologized for whatever he has said. That letter made all her thoughts on the subject go away, and she quit wondering and thinking. She thought about the pictures and being there and seeing that in person with him beside her. On the road to peace and serenity. That’s all she wants. And she wants him there with her. And that is what frightens her the most, is because she wants this and she doesn’t know if he really, really does.

Today, she came home and went straight to the letter to reread it in a normal state of mind. The letter made most all her worries go away. It made her smile and almost cry again when she reread the poem. Even being stuck at home for the night, and JT out Lord knows where, doesn’t worry her. Not at the present time anyway. But then she wonders again. What if she really should be worrying? What if he is out with AA, because they hadn’t made plans, and what if he hasn’t really gotten over her yet. After all, isn’t AA and him going to the mall tomorrow? What should she think about that? No worries, she tells herself. Fuck it, right. If he wants to date other people, there’s nothing she can do about it.

But then, what if she’s getting all worked up for nothing? She’s gotta quit worrying and set her mind on now and make it the best she can. That’s what the letter tells her. It made her more clear of how JT actually feels, and it makes her very happy. Extremely delighted. She was in the best mood at school. Much better than she has been in a long time. She was so happy today she couldn’t believe it. She didn’t let anything destroy her mood, not even the rain. He said that he will always love her. She hopes so. Lord, she does. She prayed to God to let him stay near, and not take him away from her. She loves him with all her heart and soul

October 29, 1995

I don’t know where I am right now. God, I’ve never been so depressed or felt so alone. I am alone. I don’t know what to do. JT and I are no longer seeing each other since earlier today. He said that he can’t handle me anymore. I think he fucked AA again because he couldn’t wait for me. But that’s okay. That’s just fine.

I’m kinda glad, though, that it happened before I gave myself to him. At least now I know that he wasn’t the right one for me. I feel there is nobody left. I thought he was, but it turns out that he wasn’t.

I’ve been crying on and off. I am very sad and hurt. But I knew this would happen. JC told me that either he was very immature, or I am very mature, because of the age difference. Him, 19, me 16. I guess. I don’t know.

I’m working at Mrs. Winner’s now. Mom thinks he just didn’t like the fact that I’m sixteen now and I have a job. That may be a small part of it.

I guess I’ll find out exactly what the reasons are when and if he comes over. Frankly, I don’t care if I never talk to him again. I think it would be easier to get over him if I don’t.

September 10, 1995

Last night, JT came and picked me up and we went to a party at T&M’s house. It was their reception party. M is about 4 months pregnant, she’s 22. It was really cool. I had so much fun, and JT was there with me and we had a great time together. I almost got drunk, well I got a buzz anyway. TJS and CG were there and C? and Sandy were there, and a few other people showed up that I didn’t know and they didn’t stay very long. It was just great, that’s all I can say, I guess.

Well, at around four this morning we went home. I spent the night at JT’s. I haven’t done that in such a long time, but this was different. It wasn’t like it was before. This time there was actually a meaning. I mean it had a more special feeling to it. We talked a lot about things we really haven’t talked about before. We stayed up until 6:30 this morning. Then he woke me up by moving around at 11 this morning and I didn’t go back to sleep. We talked more and more. I stayed till 3:30 or 4. I had a great time.

I know a little more of him now. He doesn’t understand why I want to wait, and I’ve explained it so many times. He says he doesn’t know what’s going to happen in the future and that’s totally true, I don’t know either. He has doubts about the gap in our age. Him 19, me almost 16. And rather you see the gap or not, there is one. I know, I’m right here. He’s gone through all the stuff that I’m just now beginning to go through. I have three years to catch up to where he is at. That’s a long time. I’m sure it’ll fly by so fast, and I want to enjoy my teenage years while I can. You know? He say’s I’ll change. When I get my car, I’ll be going out all the time and I’ll be meeting guys and shit and things are going to change. Hell, this is my first relationship, or almost a relationship. It’s still getting there.

But see, I have doubts, too. I have doubts about him and his age. I mean, if he wanted to leave and go to the mountains or something for a while, I wouldn’t be able to go. That’s just it. I have school and I’m too young to go out like that with any guy. My mom would never allow it. And then he says that he could be arrested for being with me. Why he brought that up I do not know. I asked him who would call the cops and do that to him. He said he has enemies. there are people jealous of me being with JT, like AG. “whoa!!” I say. How does he know that AG is jealous, and most important, WHY would AG be jealous? Well, AG came over to Tony’s one day and started threatening shit, but JT wouldn’t tell me any more than that. Now my curiosity is peaked because why would he be jealous? It was AG’s fault that we quit seeing each other in the first place, you know. But I don’t care about him anymore. He can kiss my ass for all I care. He played games with my mind and my heart, and I don’t like that.

Anyway, back to the doubts. I want my first time to be special. He understands that. He wants to make it special for me. I want him to be my first, he wants to be my first. Well, this morning, before we went to sleep, we were talking about that. He got a wrong message from me. I said I was ready, but I didn’t exactly mean sex or exactly that night. But he thought I did. But he stopped himself. He said he wasn’t really ready for that, and he didn’t think I really was either. Just a whole bunch of misunderstanding. But that happens all the time. I gotta go.

November 15, 1995

I can no longer even be friends with him anymore. It is truly sad. I feel like this whole last year has been wasted because I allowed my life to revolved around him. Why was I so dumb? I actually thought he truly cared for me and loved me. Yes, I do know for a fact that he broke everything off between us so he could get a fuck from AA. All he had to do was wait another fucking month.

I have been going through so many major changes these past 3 weeks, and I wish that he had stuck around for them and been there for me. I got a job, which you know off, at Mrs. Winners. My first real job. I’ve already gotten a paycheck. Then, I got my car. A 1988 Corsica Chevrolet for $500. It looks almost brand new. Then I went ahead and got my birth control pills. Mom and I had discussed that when I turned 16 (and hadn’t already had to get them) that we would go and do that. My point in doing it in the first place was for JT and me, but now it was just because I’m 16. I want to be on a schedule and if I happened to ever get raped, I most likely wouldn’t get pregnant. Then, my brother moved out and now I finally have my own room downstairs. This makes me happy, and the car, too.

I feel like a changing person thought. A different person. Not the same I was 3 weeks ago, or even 6 days ago. GH spent the night with me, and I am still seeing trails. My time is concentrated on myself. I have not had time to write at all. I’ve been so fucking busy that I have almost gone crazy. If I did actually go mentally insane, I would not be surprised nor disappointed. My mind has changed, and sometimes I have absolutely no control over my emotions. I’ve cried damned rivers. GH was there, but I was laughing. AS and GH both tell me that he still cares for me deeply and he does worry, I guess. but I don’t want to believe it. I deny everything about him, and I deny my feelings about the whole thing. I do not want to think about it or worry or anything. I will not cry or be angry, and I definitely will just NOT give a shit. For what else is there to do. It would be pointless to care because I would still be wasting my time over an asshole who is just like JP. All he thinks about is fucking, and he couldn’t wait any fucking longer. I hate him. I hate him for hurting me and making me cry and for making me so fucking weak! I hate not being hard and mean. I’m now weak and nice, or something. I just hate what he’s done to me because I am in another world. Like I said, my life revolved around him, and now I hang out with different people every day.

I don’t know if I’m happier or not. I do know that I like SB. I get along with him a whole lot easier than I did with JT. I am way more comfortable with him.

December 6, 1995

He has left her and is no longer planning on seeing her, so he says. He says he’s found somebody else, and after a while, he’s gonna try it out.

I have become friends with him again. Actually, I always have been, we’ve just begun hanging out again and talking. I don’t know how things are going to turn out anytime soon. Right now, I just want to be good friends with him. He is my best friend. It’s so crazy how life is. Our life anyway. Sometimes I wonder if everything between us will ever get straightened out. There are so many conflicting emotions inside, or there have been. That’s what love does, he says. Is it really that complicated?

My life feels complete again, now that we are at least talking and being the friend that we always have been. Everything seems good. For that first month that we didn’t talk, there was something missing.

When the two of us, along with CandA, went bowling together, the most empty feeling came over me. I knew that night, that I was not ready to start seeing any other guy and that I had no desire to either. I don’t. No other guy that I have met has matched his personality, and no man ever will.

The indian seats. An outing for JT and me. I can’t wait. The last time I went it was with him, GB and KB. It wasn’t as special. I know it will be special this coming night. I can feel it.

December 7, 1995

My world is strange and undescribable

I try to explain in great detail,

But it is impossible. What I see and

How I feel; its undestructable

When I look at the clouds, I see more than clouds.

I feel more. I feel something strong and powerful.

When I look into the forest, I see more.

I can’t describe what I see or feel.

All I know is that this place is a whole lot

More important than people actually realize.

We are not here, just to be here. We have been

put here for a purpose. No, I haven’t figured it out yet.

Look at the world around you, they tell me.

You look at the world around us. Because I do every day.

This place is just a big mystery, and who’s to figure it out?

All I know is that the answer is not where I am.

This is why I am not going to live in civilization.

My life is with nature and nature only

With the love of my life beside me.

December 13, 1995

My mind is confused. I wish to explain how I feel and what is going crazy through my head. The man in my life right now, that has been for the past year and a half, has come back into my life. I don’t know how to deal with my feelings toward him. I love him more than anybody on this planet and my feelings are so deep and so strong its crazy. Well, he tells me that his feelings for me are just as strong and that he loves me, but I wonder. Last night I felt that I couldn’t possibly mean as much to him as AA does because of how upset he has been and how depressed. I know where I stood, and I don’t like it. I mean, I know he didn’t feel this horrible when he and I quit seeing each other. I don’t like seeing him so depressed and feeling so down because I lose control. I don’t know what to do for him to make him feel better. I just want to say fuck it and not worry about him, but I can’t. I care about him way too much. I am attached, and I cannot unattach myself.

My head is about to blow up. I’m trying to be friends with him and not let the other feelings be there, too, and it’s hard. If I had just cut him off totally, I wouldn’t be having this problem, but now that we are friends again, my life feels complete once more. But the mistletoe things would have driven me a little more crazy, and every hug that lasts longer than it should between “friends” also drives me crazy. It doesn’t drive me crazy; it just makes me feel really, really good being in those arms again…it makes me feel so good that I don’t want to part for fear of never feeling them again.

He asked me why I love him. Why? Because he makes me happy, mad, confused, feel special, he’s surprising, he’s independent, he’s human, he has a heart and has feelings, he’s caring and loving, he’s a great person and he makes me feel complete and whole. He makes me thoughtless and speechless and absolutely frustrated and I do love him to death. I can never think of anything to say because he makes all thoughts go away and I sit there like an idiot.

Do you see now why I’m going crazy? I love him and he’s here, he’s just not there all the way, and he won’t be for a while. I just hope he doesn’t lose me before then because I won’t be able to deal with his mixed up and unknowing feelings for long. His indecisions on who he wants, which he says nobody right now. AA did that to him. I didn’t, she did.

I feel as if I’m just being held on a string, and he only comes to me when there is nobody else there. AA is gone for right now, so he talks to me. He is so upset over her; it makes me want to cry. Not being selfish. I just see that losing her meant so much more than losing me. But then, he hasn’t lost me yet. So maybe I just don’t know and need to shut up.

December 16, 1995

I watch the clouds while the sun sets, and I think of nothing. Snoop is on. My mind is clear. I try to think, but I can’t. All I can do is let myself loose myself in the natural beauty that there is. For it is only natural beauty and I love it. Every day we are given something to appreciate and so many people do not. But yet there are many people coming to this spot just to sit and enjoy. It makes me think differently of people.

December 22, 1995, 3:26am

Sunshiny Day!! He’s gone. He’s nowhere to be found. He lied to me. I don’t like liars. People who lie. What? Need to quit smoking. New Year’s Resolution. Drunk. I’m going crazy. I need him to just leave and be out of my life. Then I could not think about him or see him. It would be a whole lot easier than waiting for him to decide if he loves me or not (basically). Just be friends. Well, that’s hard. My mind is torn up. Well, it doesn’t work that way. And it sucks so bad.

December 23, 1995, 11:20pm

There is a heavy weight inside of me. I wish it would go away. I’m mad at myself. I let myself go unalone. He saw me at my weakest emotion. I hate that. I need to leave this world. I think. There is no reason for me being here. “God” has punished me and still is. For some reason he has never liked me. I wonder why. He draws me away. I want to be happy. I want to be free. I want to be happy. Why can’t I be? What is wrong with me? I wish I knew. I really do. I thought, last night, I want to die. Why can’t I die so I can come back as a bird? Why do I have to be here in this dreary place? Why does this place have to be so beautiful? Why can’t I just die? Why does everything have to be so hard? I wish I could go away. My heart is stretched in two.

December 27, 1995

I will be leaving in a short while. I will not be able to take it much longer. A party. One college guy. Drinking. Not I. Flying High. Dumb men. All assholes. Sober or not. Doesn’t matter. They really piss me off. Why can’t they be human? It’s not that hard. I don’t understand.

Anyway, I can’t wait to leave. A plan is in my head. It will work. Just take some time to get where I wish to go. Not too long though. Portestokano. I love it. I’ll be fucking myself up though. That’s skary, but I’m strong and stubborn, and I try to be proud of that. What else to do?

December 29, 1995

These rocks are cold, and my hands are freezing. I’m back here again and the water makes noise against the rocks. It’s a very beautiful day. The moon is out today. A half-moon because he is not whole, like me. The sun’s reflection makes it look like gold in the water. No clouds out today. I wish there were. I was hoping on a pretty sunset this evening to watch by myself.

No date

A new happiness that I feel. A combination of love, honesty, determination, and self-confidence. And much more. I have been feeling 100 times better these past couple of weeks than I had been before. My life feels complete for the first time being and on the right track. A need has come over me suddenly the past day or so. A strong need that only a certain person can fulfill. That may take time. A feeling deep inside screaming at me to be released. If only that day would hurry and arrive. I can do nothing until then. What I try, doesn’t help anymore. God, please help me!! I don’t know what to do or if I can wait any longer. That unique urge will drive me crazy! If nothing is done. But I’m afraid to rush because a mistake might happen. I don’t fear that, because mistakes can be fixed. I truly don’t believe that a mistake will happen. I just don’t want to be looked down on by him. Please don’t let him look down on me when the time arrives.

January 11, 1996

My name is ALC. I am only sixteen years old, and I wish I didn’t exist. It seems like the whole world would be better off without me. I’m losing everything and everyone.

I’m a troubled person. I have a very confusing mind and I wish I was somebody else. I try to be good and do what I’m supposed to do, and I’m very unhappy. I try to be happy, but it only lasts a short while.

I called SB last night, thinking I could try something again with him, but now I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to find anybody else that will understand me. I don’t think JT ever did and JT is over with anyway. I already figured out the conclusion to him. AA and I are both not the right person for him because he could never choose between the two of us. If one of us was the “one”, then he would have chosen a long time ago.

I want to get to know people, but they are just too hard to reach. Especially at school. There’s no time. And there are a few people that I do want to get to know. I’m just the shy type of person and I guess I have low self-esteem or something. Maybe not that, the people or one of them just hangs out with a bunch of assholes. So, I guess he is one, too.

I just want somebody to like me for who I am and like everything about me. I don’t believe JT ever did. I still believe that.

I work and I go to school. I have a 4.0 gpa for this semester. Yes, I am very proud, but I am not happy with my life. I guess I’m going into a state of depression. I blame all this on JT. I should be blaming it on myself.

I wish I could get up and leave and go away into the mountains forever. Forget about everything, but then I would fuck up my life; my schooling and my trust from my parents, because I would be found, and I would be brought back.

I wish somebody would kill me and let me be. I’m tired of sitting here at home, and everyone else seems to have something to do except me.

I just went out for a while, and I’m feeling REALLY nice. I met a guy tonight at a friend’s house. He’s gained much interest from me; much. He works off exit 12, to the right, a diner. Fuck! I can’t remember the name of the diner. He knows where I live so maybe he will come visit me. And he knows where I work. Thank the Lord! But CG likes him, and she said he liked her, so I’m not jumping at trying to get involved with him at the moment. If they don’t work out, then maybe something will happen. I had a lot of fun tonight and about a 40-minute change talking to this guy; just the two of us. We talked a lot. He seems to be a nice guy. His name is Charles.

JT has gone a little farther away. The door is very slowly shutting. Sorry.

January 13, 1996

This is two days later. I broke down and cried today. Something wrong in this head of mine. JT was in town last night and today. I said if he didn’t come by then goodbye for a long time. He didn’t; so, goodbye. I did talk to him by accident though, today. I called the S’s house, and he answered the phone. He doesn’t live there anymore. I was strong and when he said something dumb, like “grow up” because I was mentioning the fact that he never called me yesterday, I told him goodbye. He called back. I said I was walking out the door and goodbye again.

I went out. My car fucked with me and stalled at two different intersections. It’s automatic. That topped everything off and I thought I wouldn’t be having a car any longer and when I got home, I cried. And cried.

Well, that was all I needed, because I’m actually perfectly fine now. I was in a good mood for the rest of the night. AI and DI helped me, too, because they cared and made things for me. I realized that I don’t pay as much attention to them as I think I should. They’re probably going to grow up hating me. I hope not.

About a week ago I remembered something I used to do when I babysat a few years ago. I used to scare the shit out of DI just so she would cling to me. She would, too, and she wouldn’t let me go either. I used to get a kick out of that. But when I was remembering it, I felt like the most horrible person on earth and almost started crying.

I just feel like my life is continuously going downhill–and it started when I was born.

The door has closed a little more. Especially after this weekend. He’s losing me

February 3, 1996

A letter from JH

Hey Sweets,

What’cha been up to? Me, nothing much but I thought since I get on your nerves when we talk, I would write, maybe it’ll make a difference. You know, if you ever get the urge to talk, just write. Sometimes things come out better when you write them down anyway. Well, now I’ve run out of things to say. Oh yea, Rebel killed somebody’s cat, and one of our neighbors put anti-freeze in the yard. If the dogs drank any it would kill them in a couple of hours, but they seem to be fine. I’m mighty bored around here. Nothing to do but clean. Oh, what fun that is! I hope everything is well with you and JT. I don’t know about Travis; it makes me wonder. Well, I gotta go. Sarah’s barking about something. I love ya! JH

Mid-February 1996

Sitting here on the front porch in the middle of February is quite possible for me, AC, to do. It’s such a peaceful day today and so warm that I decided to sit out here. I’m in a weird mood today. I guess it’s the atmosphere or something, I don’t know. I’m not happy, mad or depressed. It’s as if this overwhelming peace has entered my soul. I don’t know what to think about because I have nothing to think about, so I sit here in the wicker chair and gaze off at the clouds and the sky and the dead trees. In a couple of months, I’ll be sitting here and it’ll be warmer and the trees will be full of life. I’ll be full of life. Winter is a time that everything dies. Life dies, but only for a short period of time. Then it all starts to rebloom, and everything is fine with the world. People are happy and birds sing in the morning. Everything and everybody is active. It’s like waking up to a whole new day. Everything’s asleep during the winter, and when spring comes around it’s like waking up to the sunrise and wondering how the day is going to turn out. Is it going to be a good day or is it going to be a bad day? today is the second day this year that has opened all senses to hat is to become. It’s scary in a way, but it’s exciting in a way, too. Is this summer going to be fun and exciting or is something dreadful going to happen that will just fuck everything up? I don’t know, and I won’t ever know until it comes.

Sometimes, I think that I am the only person on this planet that has a mind. That nobody thinks the way I do or sees things the way I do. Were the people on this planet and the people I meet designed just for me? Is it like that with everybody? Somehow, I think it was. Everyone meets their own people and have their own memories and experience their own things. That’s how everyone is unique. Nobody will ever know my deepest darkest thoughts because they are so deep that there are no words to describe or explain them. Things I can’t even describe to myself. They seem distant as if they aren’t even there, but I know they are. That inner voice within me that I can’t quite reach. Maybe in years to come as I grow older and learn more things, it’ll get closer and closer. And once I have reached it, I will die and be no more.

February 17, 1996

The People of Today

I’m only sixteen years old, so my view may seem pretty critical and very opinionated, but that’s natural from someone my age.

I’m going to start with the younger children and proceed to the old ladies and men.

Children today are growing up in a totally different atmosphere than ten years before and before that. Why? Because things are being exposed to them that were never exposed or even talked about before. Sex, drugs and war are the main issues. My mother’s mother never talked to my mom about sex until after she was caught making love to my father for her first time. Afterwards, my grandmother asked her if there was anything she wanted to know. Too late, grandma. My mom was seventeen and she got married because of it. Her parents made her feel like a slut and the lowest person on earth.

Today, children know more about these things and more as they get older. On television, nudity is exposed. When I was four years old, I was sent out of the room during a whole movie, only because they showed breasts on it. My little sister is five, and she sees more than that (occasionally) on television.

Anger and vengeance lead to fighting. There is much fighting going on these days. Many gangs. These people that belong to gangs are angry and they are trying to survive. Why do they do what they do to survive? They were children from neglecting parents and irresponsible parents and then there were parents who tried and loved, but struggled to stay alive, like many are doing today. These children grew up with a hatred toward people who didn’t have to struggle and who were judgmental and uncaring. They grew up with little trust toward God because he didn’t give them food when they were most hungry or shelter when they were so cold, they couldn’t move. They see people die of starvation and sickness from the cold. The heart grows colder and the walls they build become stronger and higher. They don’t finish school. Why? Because they have to work a full-time job so they have a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. Why do drugs come in? And when? Well, drugs are fun, when you don’t get caught and they make you feel really good for a certain period of time. Drugs are expensive. Drugs help you make money because of how much they cost. They help you survive. If drugs were legalized, people wouldn’t be making as much money as they do now, especially the government. The government is the center of drugs. If there were no government, there would be no drugs. It is as simple as that. Also, if it were legalized, drugs would become less desirable, and that means less money.

So, drugs help people. Why do people fight and steal and murder? One small part is over drugs. Someone didn’t pay for what he got; he was shot. End of story.

Back to the children. I think today parents are paying more attention to their children, to a point. Adults are so worried about the children today because they will have control over this world one day. Make us too angry inside our hearts for too long, and this world may just be destroyed. Well, nobody wants that to happen. But nobody knows how to make these children understand virtues and morals.

Yuppie children scare me the most because they are the most closed minded and judgmental people set upon this planet. The children brought up with a sterling silver spoon in its mouth. People born with money, and no problems. No responsibilities. When they get out on their own, they will not survive, not unless they have a lot of money. I’m going to move to teenagers, mainly because I have learned a little more about them this year. Most of the kids I go to school with are the kind of people I’ve been talking about. They seem to have no problems. Well, I learned that they do. And the effects on them are really no different than on anyone else. They just express their feelings and attitudes differently. Some have two sides. Actually, I think everyone does. There is a mask on their face exposed most of the day to people they don’t really know, which is most everybody. I even have a mask myself, but that’s because I have walls of my own. If you don’t know what I mean by walls, then I’m sorry. You obviously haven’t thought much about the human soul and mind. Anyway, inside these people are people who think and feel just like everybody else. We are all unique. I’m not saying everyone thinks and feels exactly the same, I’m just saying that we are all human. My real, absolute point is that most people do not realize this. They look as far as that mask outside and judge for themselves what kind of person you are. Well, in my opinion, that’s wrong. This is my world. The world of teenagers.

The adults are a whole new issue. A whole different world, yet similar to our own. They have minds and thoughts that run through their heads 24-7. They are older versions of ourselves. They are different because they’ve made many, many more mistakes than we could possibly have made in our time period, and therefore have more experience. The more experience you have, the wiser you become. But they’re so busy with themselves, that most parents do not stop to listen to their children. They do not talk to their children and therefore they do not know their children. My mother knows me very well because she does listen to me, and she talks to me. My brother, CC, and I have a great relationship with our mom. Because of that, we know what to expect from certain things and the consequences. My mom doesn’t freak out when something goes wrong. When most parents would freak out over something, our parents deal with it. Everyone my age has parents from the 50s and 60s. That was the beginning of many things. That was when they were teenagers and when they partied and rebelled. All adults today should not freak out when their child is caught smoking or anything else. They should deal with it and fix it.

I am not perfect, and neither is anybody else on this planet. My life is far from perfect, and my parents are far from perfect. I have watched my parents struggle through my life to keep a house and food to eat. Why have they struggled? Because my mom and dad never went to college. Now, all my life I have strived to make perfect grades so I can go to college, so I struggle no longer. I don’t look down on my parents and I’m not ashamed of them. They were just young and ignorant of what was to become.

Because of the struggle they went through, it had an effect on me. From the age of eight to eleven, I considered myself the boss of the house because I took care of my sisters and brother and I kept that house clean, and i made perfect grades in school. That kind of life angered me because I wanted to go out with my friends and play, and I hardly ever did. Have no pity, I survived, and I am a very strong person. I gained a lot of responsibility from that, and I’ll be able to cook my future husband meals! ha-ha.

Being able to freely talk to your mom or dad or both, is the most important thing for you to be able to do. Having a good relationship with them is most important. Because I can talk to my mom, I am able to talk to other adults. I earn their respect from that and that is also important. Unfortunately, very few people I know have an open relationship with their parents. And then there are parents who just do not care what their children do. I think these children become angry the most because their parents do not care. Those kinds of adults anger me. Many people anger me. I wish they didn’t. I wish there was a way to get through to them and say, “Hey! I’m human! Talk to me! I will listen.” I have a great interest in people because I like to uncover the outside mask and see what kind of walls have been built and what kind of person they are. And then I try to help break down those walls. I’m even interested in older people, but they’re not going to open up to a teenager.

I always get off the subject. I’m going to the elders now. I have grandparents, still alive. One lives with me. I pity her, and I wish my grandfather were alive so she would be happy again. She is a very sad person. I have a grandfather who doesn’t even know who his granddaughter is anymore. He was an alcoholic most his life. His mother died when he was fourteen. Everyone knows your mother is the most important person in your life. Whenever we go to see him and my grandmother, he will talk of the old days, when he was younger. But the thing is, is that he talks about the house they’re living in now, and they didn’t live there until my mom was three. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

I think elders are very hard to talk to, because they think we’re still babies. In their eyes, we know nothing. Compared to them, we don’t. They are much more wiser than us. Sometimes I can’t wait for that day to come when I know all, but yet, I don’t. My grandmother was one to freak out, and she did, with my mom. She never talked to my mom and neither did my grandfather. But, today, my grandmother does not freak out and my mom talks to her almost every day.

My point in writing this is for two reasons. One, is so in a hundred years, someone will read this and see the difference and similarities in people from today and tomorrow. Two, is because I want this put in my school newspaper so the people in my school would read this. I want them to think and open their minds. I want them to learn to look beyond the outside masks of people. I want them to actually care about others besides themselves.

February 19, 1996

My School

As I sit here in In-School Suspension, I decide to write and describe my school. Then, I will tell you why I have ISS.

My school is only two years old, so it still has many problems. The fields are not yet fields, they are only mud areas in the back of the school. We have a very small student parking lot, and next year there may not be room for sophomore to park. But that’s okay, because I will be a junior. The landscaping is absolutely horrible.

This year I have six classes. Chemistry, Art, Spanish II, Literature, Geometry, and World History. Next year I may only have four-90-minute classes each semester. We have many different classes to take, but lack many, also. We have clubs and sports. We don’t have Volleyball, though.

We also have many rules. Some are ridiculous. One, for example, is our dress code. I like short shorts. I hate shorts that go down to my knees, which is basically what we have to wear. No higher than 3in above the knee. Also, no cut-off, frenzy shorts or pants. No holes in jeans. And no midriff-showing shirts, which is also something I like. Other dumb rules are no bottles (even plastic) with liquid inside, no hats, etc.…. We have one break, after 2nd period. We’re stuck inside. We cannot go outside. There’s nowhere to go anyway. Like I said, the landscaping is bad and there’s no courtyard to hang out at. I think it is unhealthy to stay inside all day long.

School starts at 8:10 and ends at 2:58p. Each class lasts 55 minutes. It takes me ten minutes to get out of the school parking lot.

The reason why I am in ISS is because I said Fuck you in class. It was directed toward my Lit teacher, but she never heard me. Another lady heard and wrote me up. I’m in here today and tomorrow. That’s okay, though. I’ll survive. I have a wall in front of me and my desk is about 3 feet wide and then I have two walls on each side of me. I cannot talk or look around. I do work or read all the little messages on the desk and walls. We go to the bathroom together and walk in a single file line. My lunch today was milk, carrots, apple, teddy graham crackers, and chips. I brought some Honey Nut Cheerios of my own. Also, its freezing cold in here. I guess it’s to keep us from thinking about going to sleep. Gee, that sounds good right now. See ya later.

March 11, 1996

Today CC is 19 years old. Wow. A big change has occurred to me in the last two weeks. JT and I are together again. This time is much better and much happier. I think that after being apart for four months, and realizing how much we really mean to each other, that this time it means more. It is appreciated more. I think before we just took advantage or something of being with each other. It wasn’t cherished. I can’t say exactly how the relationship is defined now-all I know is that I’m happy again. The relationship is much, much better and there is more meaning and feeling to it. This is how I see it and I feel it.

June 24, 1996

It has been a long time, I know, since I last wrote. I have been going and going non-stop. In school. I was running track and working and then trying to fit JT and others in my schedule.

Dad just lost his job in Jan or Feb. He went without a job for a good 3 months, I believe. That was not cool at all. I was very mad. He does have a managing job at a Chevrolet dealership now. He’s also turned into an alcoholic.

Mom is not happy. She hasn’t ben for a long time-but now dad’s calling 1-900#s to talk to women on sex lines and getting drunk till 3 in the morning. They’ve gotten into a few good arguments this past 2 weeks.

GI’s sick and still fat in the stomach. But he’ll grow that off. AI is 9 and DI is 6.

Everything is definitely different since I last wrote. JT and I are together, and I can now officially call him my boyfriend. I’ve been seeing so much of him lately that it hurts when he leaves. I don’t want to rush my life, but I can’t wait until I can live with him either.

July 14, 1996

JT should be in New Jersey by now visiting his grandmother who he hasn’t seen in over a year. I miss him. I’ll make it though.

A couple of friends of ours, LU and TJS got married this past Friday. It was pretty cool. I just don’t think they are going to last very long. The reason they got married is because she is pregnant with his child. She kept saying it was going to be good for the baby. Whatever, I say. I give them 6 months to a year.

JH is in California with her uncle. JT and she left on the same day. so, it’s boring around here.

Mom and TI have been arguing a lot this past month. He’s been becoming more and more of an alcoholic. Drinking every night. They had a big fight a couple nights ago and now they are really going to try to work it out. Or something like that.

Things are really different these days. All I mainly do is work and spend time with JT. We keep getting into little bullshit arguments and we snap at each other. I’m tired of it. It was never like this before. I hear them arguing upstairs. I’ll be back.

July 15, 1996

Today is mom’s 38th birthday. My car is going to the hospital tonight. The transmission has been leaking like crazy. So, its going to get fixed.

Mom is feeling sick today. I hate seeing her down so much. She’s been depressed for a while now. I didn’t have any money to buy her anything, so I cleaned the house for her.

I’m a changing person. Last night I was thinking that I had AIDS. Figure out why. JT hasn’t tested himself yet. I don’t think I do, but it’s a possibility. I miss him. He should be back by the end of this week. I hope so. I don’t think he realizes how much I love him. Sometimes I wonder why he has anything to do with me. It’s just that sometimes it seems like he doesn’t care about making me feel good. He does. But not as often as he cares about me making him feel good. Its uneven. Shouldn’t he want to make me happy just as much? I have needs, too. I think he doesn’t understand that women have needs and cravings just as much as men, although I’m harder to please than he is. I don’t know how to explain my needs to him. I guess I’m scared. There’s still that feeling of him looking down on me if I become too aggressive. It’s funny, though. He can’t understand why I’m moody before he leaves and I’m still needing. But he gets so mad when he leaves and he’s still needing. He can’t put them together.

Anyway, he took me up to his father’s land in BR on the 4th of July (I have pictures). It was so beautiful. I didn’t want to leave. We had a great display of fireworks that his dad had bought. His dad’s girlfriend, Jan, and Jer were there, also. I even used the trees as a bathroom. I wasn’t scared. I’m not like that. There is a creek that runs all through the property. Lots of bugs and the creek was cold.

I took JT up to BC. He was grumpy at first and we got into an argument because he called me a “fucking bitch” and I turned around toward home. By the time I pulled in the driveway, he said to go get the garbage bags for the rockslide, and we headed back. Then we got lost and instead of taking half an hour, it took almost 3 hours to get there. We had a great time and ended up staying the night up there. JC and CC and BC were there. It was cool. We discovered (while we were lost) that the land he wants to buy is off the same road that BC is.

I’m so hungry. Today I went running, swimming and then rode the bike through the neighborhood. I have definitely worked up an appetite.

On the 5th of July, FC had its fireworks. So, JT, GB, JH and I got together and watched them. Then we went skinny dipping. It was freezing, because it actually was cool outside that night. I got ate up by mosquitos. Not cool. GH is leaving for the Army on the 31st of this month. It’s going to be sad. He better write me, damn it, or I’ll kick his butt whenever I see him again.

Well, I got to go. A

August 28, 1996

My junior year and I should be asleep right now so I can get up in the morning. Instead, I’m finally done arranging my room at Grandmother’s house for my first night in my new home. Mom has left my stepfather, and it’s about time. She would have done it years ago, but there had been miscommunication about things that I cannot write for fear of somebody reading this.

I don’t want to be here, but I must. Mom needs me more than anything, now. She’s been so depressed for so long now that all she’s been eating is three chocolate chip cookies and a glass of chocolate milk a day, and that’s it. She really needed to get away from him. She was too unhappy. I just hope that she will become happier, now that she’s away from him.

JT says he needs me. I know he does. I need him, just as much. I wish we could have a place together now, but we don’t. We are working on it though. Do not worry.

I’m so out of it. I get a sick feeling every time I eat. I have no desire to go to school now. I miss JT. I suppose God has been here with us. He helped mom be strong enough to get away. Who else could have given her that strength after being with that man for fifteen years? He got me out of there, too.

GI sleeps down in the den where Grandpa used to always watch TV or read. I think he will be okay. I hope. Mom and the girls are sleeping in Grandpa’s room, and I have a room to myself. Thank God. I don’t think I could handle sharing a room with anybody right now.

I’m stressed and sad that I had to leave FC, since JT had just moved from another town (15minutes from grandma) to a few minutes down the road from the house I just moved out of. It’s fucked up. He stressed out, also. I think he might even be a little depressed. He might actually feel a little better now that he saw where I was going to be living. It’s not that bad of an area, it’s just still a city. I don’t want to live in a city, but I will. For mom.

September 1, 1996

I don’t have my car. I’m going so very crazy. JT said that he didn’t move to FC to be lonely. That makes me feel worse than I already do. If I hadn’t have said anything, then he wouldn’t be lonely. Mom would be still living with that sick asshole. I did cry after I got off the phone with JT tonight, yes. Because I told him I loved him. All he said was “good, I’m glad”. I’m so sorry, JT. Please forgive me.

I guess I shouldn’t have said anything. Everyone would be happy then except mom and me. I guess we’re two selfish bitches or something. Everything is going downhill! I hope Grandma is doing okay. It’s a big change having four grandchildren all of a suddenly moving in. I love her so much. I hope this isn’t too hard on her.

Am I really a bitch?

Not dated-not sure if this was copied or original

“Have I lied? Not in words. Only by Silence. Silence is the lie of the good man, or the Coward. It is seeing something you don’t like and not speaking”

“You made us follow this way, so now we have no government worth the name. Our leaders have no power; our rulers are not leaders. That is why Sitting Bull was great. He did not rule. He led”

“The only time freedom is important is when others are trying to put you in chains. We had no chains, so we needed no freedom”

September 1, 1996

Letter to JT

Dear JT,

Hi sweetheart! I hope you’re doing okay. I feel like writing you, baby, so that’s what I ‘m doing. I am hurting really deep inside, and I know you are, too, deep inside. We will get through this. I don’t hide my feelings from you, I just cover them from myself, so I won’t be like depressed all of the time. I try to not be in a sad mood with you, because all that does is make everything feel worse.

The reason why I cried after I broke your skull. Hell, I had already broken something else that day. I don’t know what was wrong with me. They were major accidents. I guess I just felt really stupid, and sorry. I didn’t just cry, JT. It was like, “what else could I do to just fuck everything up?” I’ve fucked everything else up enough. And here I go, non-purposely destroying two of your treasured possessions. I fucked up bad, and you say basically it’s no big deal because it’s done and over with, when it is a big deal to you. I know it was. I saw the look on your face. I am truly sorry.

Why shouldn’t I put myself down, JT? Look what the hell I’ve done. This is God’s punishment, JT. I’ve been reading this book. It’s just a story, but a perfectly happy little girl who was totally selfless and a good student, who always came home and helped mom, etc. died. And then I think about BD. She died. She was happy, and nice and everything else. She deserved to go to Heaven.

But I did something in my past life before this one, that caused me to go through this. You look at me, but you don’t see what I see constantly going through my head. You don’t feel what I feel. That blocks my head and gets in the way of my happiness, my true happiness. How do I get rid of that? How do I be truly happy.

Just let it go? Well, it’s a little bit harder than that.

But I feel, JT. Deeper than I think you believe. I love you more than anything in the world. Those aren’t just words. Not from me.

Sometimes I think that it would have been harder for me to move in with you, if I still lived in that house up there. I think that this way is going to make it easier to break away because I’m no longer around him. The security. I feel security here because this is my grandmother’s house. I saw you last night, and I am so in need right now to just look in your eyes. I can’t describe it.

Don’t worry about me finding some other guy, because there is no other guy. There is no desire for any man but one. No interest, but for one. I only wish that I could be there with you. I hate to hear the tone in your voice over the phone. It just eats me up inside. I try to sound cheerful, so you will, but it doesn’t seem to do any good because then you should cheerful, and I’m really feeling horrible anyway, thinking that you’re doing perfectly fine. It’s all fucked up.

October 5, 1996

I just spent another day in FC today with JT. Things are fucked up. He says that he needs space. That he’s just going to back off. But he doesn’t know what he means by this. Things are pretty much the same except we are not boyfriend/girlfriend. But I will not be telling people that I do not have one because I don’t want to date anybody else. He thinks I don’t know what I want, but what he doesn’t understand is that I do know. I went through that time of not being with him and my life was empty. I was lonely. And I dated other guys. I just couldn’t find anybody to match him. I don’t think he understands how much I do love him. Yes, he put me through shit last year, and yes, I still remember it, so I wouldn’t be with him right now if I didn’t love him. He has straightened his life up, and he still is working at it. I understand that he needs to be thinking about his future. I do, also. I just want him to continue thinking of me in his future, too.

November 4, 1996

Oh, life is so strange. Tomorrow is election day for President of the United States. Next time that comes around, I will be voting.

I ask myself if I really know what I am doing. I plan on moving in with JT this summer so we can be together and so I can graduate from MY high school. I’m seventeen now. It sounds as young as sixteen, but it still is. I am no adult, but I may move out of my parent’s home if I wish. But what I question is if I will be making a mistake or not. I hope not and I think about how long we will have been close friends by the time we move in with each other, if we do. Three years we will have known each other.

Things have gotten better around here. I’m still doing good in school. 4 A’s and 2 B’s on my report card. I’m working at Mrs. Winners down here and I’m making $6.25/hr. Mom is working at Kroger. She enjoys her job although you can’t make a living off that when you have three kids to take care of. She plans on saving up enough money so they can move to Florida and open up a shop. I hope her dreams come true because all she has gone through her life is hell.

I don’t understand grandma. All she does is complain about these children. Its like she expects everyone to be perfect. Everyone knows that nobody but maybe one person is perfect. She babysits these kids almost every day. I wonder how she truly feels about doing this. I feel bad because she has to watch them so much, but I believe she will miss them once they move out and they all go to Florida. I love her to death, and she has always been my favorite grandma, but she makes me so angry sometimes. I hope she doesn’t make these kids grow up hating her.

My birthday was two Thursdays ago. I spent Thursday-Sunday with JT and I loved every moment of it. I just wish we could be together like that always. We spent the night in a motel the first night and it had a jacuzzi. That night was a wonderful night. Friday, we went to Helen and I bought mom and me a pair of hand-blown glass earrings. I’m gonna give mom hers on Christmas. Then we went to Brasstown Bald, the highest mountain in Georgia. It was absolutely beautiful! The day was clear and cool. We would have camped in Helen, but we forgot the tent. Saturday, we just did little things around town and went shopping. I got a pretty little outfit. Sunday afternoon, I went home. I had the best time of my life and only because I was with him!

Last Thursday as Halloween (of course). I went to FC and picked up JT. Then we went to meet LB at Mrs. Winners. There were quite a few others that showed up and LB decided to go take a couple of people somewhere. We decided to meet somewhere else at 8:30 but when JT and I showed up, she never did. LB and I were supposed to spend Halloween together because we never had, and we still haven’t.

CC and LU (there are two LUs, I know. sorry for the confusion. they are sisters) broke up. CC is living with CM and a couple others. He had a good job at Siemens, but he got fired because he got sick and didn’t go to work for a week. Now he’s back at Mrs. Winners, cooking chicken. I wonder what he plans on doing with his life, because right now, he’s not doing a damned thing.

JT has a job at Ply Mart. It’s a mirror, shelving, etc.… company. He’s making good money. I hope he plans on sticking to this job because he needs to be able to stay with a job longer than three months. His knees are acting up though, and they’re hurting him. I hope he gets better, because I don’t want that to be the cause of him not being able to get the things he wants.

We almost thought that my Dad had cancer in his throat. But the doctor says that it may just be an allergic reaction to something. He still doesn’t know for sure that it’s not cancer, but I don’t think that it is.

GB’s in the army now. He’s graduating this Thursday from boot camp. He wants JT, JH and me to be there, but I can’t be, and I don’t think JT can be either, nor JH. But GB will be up here for two weeks, so I plan on visiting him this weekend. After that, he’s going to be sent out to Hawaii. Yes, I’m jealous.

Anyway, I think this is all for right now.

December 6, 1996

Where is thy soul and thy feeling? For I don’t know where I have placed them. I cannot think for myself. For when I do, I become lost. Do I know what I truly want or do I just think I do? Am I taking the path that I truly believe should be taken? Am I taking the path most traveled by? Am I taking the easy way out? Or am I taking the lesser tread on? Am I making my life more difficult than I should?

Do I want to keep my freedom, or do I have freedom at the present time? Somehow, I think that my freedom is now, and when I leave here to move into another place, my freedom may be lost. But I am not sure if that may actually be. . I do not want to lose my freedom and I want to be happy. I guess we shall see how life may go and how fate takes its course. I believe that I will have to go with what happens and deal with it the best I can. As I am doing at the present.

Life is so complicated right now. I see JT for six and half hours today after not seeing him since Sunday. I won’t see him again until next Sunday. It feels as if we are drifting apart. Maybe that is how it’s supposed to be, but maybe not. I do not know. In six months, I shall know, because by then we should be living together if we are still together. I just have a funny feeling that we may not be, or we may come across a point before then that will be a major impact in our lives. Hopefully for the best. We shall see. ALC

December 7, 1996

I hate the way things are these days. I hate not being able to see JT every day. I’ve discovered that I have been getting worried a lot lately that he might cheat on me or leave me for some other girl. I know deep inside that he wouldn’t, though. There is such a deep feeling of distance between him and me. I don’t like it. I don’t want to be distant from him.

Going up there and seeing him but once a week is horrible. I need to see him every day. I need to see his smile and his eyes, and I need to feel his touch. I need the feeling of him being there in case I might fall and him catching me. I need him more than anything in the world. I need to be there for him so I can make him happy and smile. This distance away from him is ruining our lives. Life is so unhappy without him around. I miss seeing him pull up in drive thru while I am working. Those small moments are gone. I miss having him showing up at my school to pick me up. I miss the happiness. I miss the feeling of hating to part every single night and not being able to wait to see him once again. It is still like that, but it’s not every night. Its once a week. I don’t part every night with him, but on the phone. A phone is not good enough. God…I miss him, and I truly love him. Please help us, so we can be together, forever. I can’t foresee a life without him.

December 24, 1996

I cannot see a life without him. This time that we are away from each other has many ups and downs. These cause (eventually) to larger ups and downs. We have doubt and we are proven against our doubt. I learn more and more every day about how much I love him and how much he loves me. He always thinks I’m against when I am always (mostly) for him. He gets angry-but not too angry. He proves to me more and more how much he loves me. It still almost shocks me that he could truly love me. It’s almost unbelievable. But he does. The thing is, is that he thinks the same thing about e because he basically says it. He can’t believe that I actually won’t cheat on him and he found a person who strives to know all she can about him. Everything. He doesn’t talk much about himself and his family. He talks about his dad, but his dad is not a person that JT is as close to as he is to others.

December 26, 1996

The New Year is almost here. I had the best Christmas of my life so far. I made everyone happy with the gifts I gave them. Last night, JC and his girlfriend, MB and his girlfriend, and KB, CC, JT and I all went to the Indian Seats. All the cousins, except for BC, all got together for our first time and hung out together. It was great. I feel so good. I hope next year is as great as this. Me and JT will be living together, and I hope he knows that we have to see them. MB, his girlfriend, and KB want to come back down this summer. I hope something can be arranged so they can. Anyway, this is all for now.

January 13, 1997

Time changes constantly and that is proof that change is constant. Life changes because you constantly grow, mentally and physically. Therefore, there is no doubt that I am changing. I can only hope for the better. I just don’t know if I want to-but I do. This life is better than it has ever really been, but I am not totally happy w/out JT. I know this. It shows every day. We get into the dumbest arguments. Last night, we finally REALLY talked. I finally opened up inside of myself and I haven’t’ taken advantage of the fact that I have somebody to talk to. Somebody to speak my mind and feelings to. I miss him so much. I don’t want this distance to break us up. I want to prove that long distance relationships can actually work out. Oh, I hope it does. I’m at the point that I don’t care where we move or what school I go to because I just want to be with him. For some reason I change when I do see him, though. It’s like I don’t know him-kind of- but just a tiny, tiny bit. I don’t know. This is driving me nuts. I miss him so much and I wonder if it will ever be like it was.

February 11, 1997

I hate being in a room with people I do not know. I just read about a President Wilson who was president after Roosevelt and McKinley and all those great guys. He was known as a person who cared about people as a whole. His problem was that he couldn’t relate to individuals, so he was thought of as a cold-hearted and uncaring person. I believe that I may be a little like him. I’m trying to fix that, though. I’m working on my attitude. They say that smiles are contagious, so I’m smiling more, or trying to, so others will smile. At work, I’m trying to not make my customers angry, so everyone can leave happy. I guess I think that doing this has made me in a better mood.

I’ve heard that pride is a sin. And I’ve been proud of my pride or a long while. Except, I don’t know how to not have pride. What about having pride for our country? You know? Are we all sinning? I don’t think I understand that part.

One day I plan on pressing charges against my stepfather. One day I may write down what had happened to me as a little girl. I don’t really know if I can bring myself to do it. If I do, it may be a long while from now, and the story may be a little different because I may not remember every detail. I don’t think that anyone would want to read details. Or maybe I’ll make it into a kind of book that children can read so they can understand how life like that goes on so if there are children out there being sexually abused, they will know what to do and how to do it. A story called “A”

The kids can know that they won’t get into trouble if they tell anyone; that they will be much happier after they do.

March 1, 1997

Well, I have finally quit smoking. It’s been six days now. Its driving me mentally insane, for real. I feel so weird. So many fucked up things are running through my head. I am going crazy-but- I have so much energy. I can’t wait to hike the AT. It’s going to be GREAT! JT is so fucking sick. He looks horrible. And I’m a bitch.

Writing by starlight. There is not much of any, as I’m sure you can see. I’ve been thinking about the stars. The stars are suns, and each star has planets that circle it. The seasons are changing, little by little. Winter will one day be summer, and summer will one day be winter.

March 3, 1997

I skipped school to see JT. He was sick. It’s okay, though. I got a letter from Washington University. It’s in St. Louis, Missouri though, and I don’t think I want to live there. I have no interest in that state.

I’ve been such a bitch today toward JT. I couldn’t even stop! It was driving me nuts. It’s like everything he said, I snapped at him about. I wonder if it’s still the smoking. I’ve gone 8 days today. JH said that it takes two weeks, so I guess that explains it. I love him so much and I am so sorry for treating him this way. I hope he forgives me. He looks so mean and tough, but he is so soft inside and that is what I love best about him. He’s my sweetheart. I promise, I’m going to try to not be a bitch anymore. I do not want to run him away from me. I can’t stand being away from him the amount of time that I am in the first place. Okay, I’m going now.

May 19, 1997

A Lost Dream

Swim to the bottom of pool-lay down at the bottom of pool and close your eyes. Still holding breath, you are with three of best friends and are surrounding a table. Belief of still being at bottom of pool. Realize eventually you can breathe. After a while you decide to exit through a door you believe you entered and there is no water coming in or even around you. You see yourself in another room with a skinny door with no handle. You go back and sit down. They you try the door and have 2 of your friends help you and keep the door open-how do you open it? – you pull from the bottom- you walk around a little hallway and find yourself in a room with sleeping people. “oh shit” you scream in your mind and very quietly and quickly go back. you sit back down, look at your friends and say, “we are no longer under the pool, and I don’t think we are at the same time period either”.

January 16, 1998

Today we headed for Crystal River, Florida. We arrived at the Best Western Hotel at 8. Mom, GI and I ate at Cracker’s, and they played karaoke.

January 17, 1998

We woke up at 5:30a and put on our wetsuits. We are at the boat at 6:30 and we’re on our way at 7. There were 15 people crowded on a pontoon boat, plus our Captain, Bird. We arrived at the mainstream and put on our snorkel and mask and jumped in the water. Or shall I say, “quietly descended into the water”. We saw many manatees. They were very large. I must add that the water was very COLD, and the temperature outside was nearly freezing! But I did my first two dives anyway. It was really cool. There were rocks that we would sit on underwater, and fish would swim all around you. We went back to dock at about 11:30 and ate lunch at Crackers while watching the video Bird taped of us with the manatees. After that we went to the souvenir shop, and I bought a stuffed manatee and a beautiful vase.

Later, we drove to the beach and fed the pigeons. They came within inches from my face. It was awesome. Then we went back to the hotel. GI and I went to an old car show and then listened to a guy, Jim Kelly, sing at the tiki bar. We went to Charlies for dinner with the group and then went to bed.

January 18, 1998

We woke up at 6:30a and got ready to go diving once again. This time we drove to Blue Grotto Springs. It has a cave about 100 feet deep. We finished our last two dives and now I am a certified scuba diver for life! The water and air temperature was not as cold as yesterday, but it was still pretty chilly. I had a hard time equalizing the first time going down. I decided that I will not scuba dive in the winter again unless I am way farther south.

March 29, 1998

Wow. It has been forever since I last wrote. I am so ashamed. I must express my apologies, by telling what has happened.

I have been baptized. I am an active Mormon once again! It is the greatest feeling. I feel like I have a direction in life now. I have rules! I have somebody reminding me of what my morals are once again. That person is the Holy Ghost, and he is my best friend. I love our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I have somebody telling me what I can and cannot do and they are for the good. I am so happy, I don’t know how to express it well enough.

The real reason why I decided to write was not to tell of the past, but of today. At church we had young women’s class together with the younger and the older girls. Bishop H was there and he was giving a lesson on marriages, etc. He did come to one point where he was talking about an old man in the bible who was hunched over because he was so full of the Gift of the Holy Ghost. then he looked at me and told me how much he liked Grandma and respected her, and he reminded me of the Great Burdens that she is carrying right now and has carried-tears poured down my face. He is so right, and I have been so crude to her. I have not treated her with the respect that I should have. I can only hope that the Lord will forgive me.

What are the most important thoughts and worries in my life right now? I am almost graduated, signed up for the Navy, and waiting on test results for my SAT and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don’t know what I want to do. I am definitely lost in that area. I guess I’ll figure it out when the time comes. I guess that I will try to go to a college if I make a 1200 or more, but if I make less than that, I will join the Navy. If I do go into the Navy, I can save money (which is something mom can’t figure out how to do), get my education, get a good, disciplined background, and I will be able to travel. If I make a 1200 or more on my SAT, I will either go to Georgia Tech or BYU in Utah. I don’t know. I guess my scores will give me my answer.

I am told that I am to marry somebody in the church. That most people who marry those outside of the church end up getting a divorce, so I have to find somebody in the church. Well, the best way to do that is to go to BYU. Anyway, my answer will come, so I’m not going to get stressed about it.

I met another Scorpio-he has a tattoo of a scorpion on his back, and he has vampire teeth. I told him he was going to be my husband one day. The idea didn’t seem to be unpleasant to him. Ha! Ha!

Sometimes, you can find my dog, Bear, and I running down the street. Bear is huge. He is such a cutie, though! He loves to put his paws on my let and he likes me to massage his paws. He is such a strange creature. He is still a puppy-but if he could stand up, he would be about my height. He loves to go running with me-awe-he just loves to be with me. His voice hasn’t changed yet-so he still has the puppy bark. It’s so funny because you see a huge dog with a puppy bark.

April 28, 1998

Two Sundays ago, I heard a story at Aunt C’s ward. A woman talked about a man whom God told to push against a rock every day from sunrise to sunset. So, this man did this every day. Then the Devil asked him why he wasted his time-why didn’t he go out and do something worthwhile? The man prayed and asked if he could push for a little while and then do some other things. God said-I only ask you this to see how faithful you are, but even though the rock does not budge, I have given you strong arms, legs and back so you will have the strength for future adversities.

Well, I cried, of course, because it made me think of the major adversities that I have been through, and I wonder what are to come, because I believe that I have been made as strong as anyone can possibly be mentally.

A poem? not sure if its copied or original

“For only one’s words move a man’s heart. How is it that no man’s words today can touch my heart so deeply. How is it that no man’s words can remove this guilt withering inside of me. Be it not-that I am-amazed at such wonder. To be slain. To slay. That I can’t do without losing a piece of my everlasting soul”—(note at bottom of page: This poem was written during Easter time of 1998 when I thought I was pregnant and facing options).

May 3, 1998

Yes, I am fasting today. Last night was prom! The best part about this weekend was Friday night at SL’s. I swear I have fallen in love with this man already. He’s a Scorpio! And he has vampire teeth, so you know he’s the one! =) His friend, Corey (my prom date), introduced us. He and I have so many things in common (of course). He’s already said that he’s done playing games now. He wants to try us out. I think that we could get along without even talking because we pretty much think alike. He’s awesome. I just had to get this down.

May 6, 1998

He’s at work looking at a car magazine. He always says “thanks” when he asks to put me on hold. How nice! I just got home from work. Today has been a good day. I wonder why I was in such a good mood. Maybe last night did it. You think? Possibly so. BREAK! Every time SL and I get together, we find more and more things that we have in common. It’s really funny. When I lay with him at night, I imagine two scorpions intertwined. I see the tails curling around each other and the bodies twisting and turning. Now I think, how could I be so stupid to try to date a Bull. That doesn’t work at all. Obviously.

I was waiting for that turning point in my life. I think I got it! this past weekend changed a lot. yes, I was interested in him the moment I heard about him, but this past weekend made my life turn in a 180-degree angle. Wow, such quickness. I think I like these types of surprises in life. I find them quite tasty. Oh, I want to see him again. Tomorrow night, here I come! =) I think I might keep this one.

May 8, 1998

Well, I stayed at his house last night. It was so much fun. I am so happy that I have met him. I wish I could sleep there every night. I missed our volleyball tournament against the guys today. I hope the girls aren’t angry. I did meet SL’s father today. He was very nice, he just spent the whole time on the computer. That’s what happens, though, when you first get a computer. I think they are evil things.

How can things feel so right when supposedly I am doing things that are so wrong? I am scared, I think, of the outcome of my decisions. I got off birth control in February and I have only had one period-the middle of March-and this is really scaring me. I took a test last Wednesday-it was negative-but I wonder how accurate it is. It didn’t take long for it to say I was negative. So, what’s up? I can’t stand this wait for my period. I want to get back on birth control so bad. Please, God, if you are even listening to me anymore-let me have my period. I can’t take this anymore! It is driving me insane. Of course, I’m not making matters any better by being with SL.

Time to take a shower and get ready to go play pool. yippee! LC is going with me. I hope she doesn’t give me any problems tonight.

May 10, 1998

Well, I went to SL’s after I dropped off LC on Friday. We didn’t get to his until 3am so we went straight to sleep. I think we were tired. Saturday, we went to Underground Atlanta with his brother, ML, and his girlfriend, KG. We went to the Coca Cola company and looked around. It was pretty cool. Last night while SL was at SpeedZone, I visited CC and LU and my nephew, TC. He is walking now! I can’t believe how fast he’s growing. I’m not losing my goals, but I think I’m going to go to KSU and stick to the reserves for the Navy.

Last night I brought JH to SL’s at about 3am. because she had been drinking at a friend of hers apartment and I didn’t want to leave her there. There were like 5 guys there that I didn’t feel safe with because they were drunk as hell.

May 11, 1998

It is so late. This is the first night that I will have slept in my bed since last Wednesday night. I have seen SL every day for the past five days. Tomorrow I won’t see him and most likely Wednesday I won’t see him either. awe! He is so awesome. I think that we get along great-I’m just afraid of how long it will last. It has only been a week, yet it feels like I have been with him forever. I stayed over again last night and skipped school today. I’m going to have tons of homework! But, hey, I only have five more weeks until graduation! Got to get my announcements out quick!

May 14, 1998

9am-waiting on the judge. I wonder if he remembers how to act and look like a human being. Good-looks like publicity is the key today! Let’s ruin his reputation! He’s going down! Mom thinks he won’t show up. I can be civilized.

“Aren’t you glad you brought me, mom?’

“No”

“How long do you think this case will take?” the judge asks.

How the hell should we know! I’m going to be a judge one day. 9:10am-hasn’t shown up yet! I think he’s scared. REALLY scared. Man, my adrenaline is starting to flow. If I was still a smoker- I could probably smoke about five cigarettes at once right now. No craving for those anymore, though. I’ll just write. Remember-these are all random thoughts! I vs I! He said it! In front of all these people! It’s finally- slowly- starting to happen!

May 18, 1998

Well, I’m up on 4.5 hours of sleep. I was up until 2:30am reading Pride and Prejudice. It sucked! Last night was again the first night I have slept in my bed since last Tuesday night. It’s so crazy. Wednesday, I went to SL’s work and we got some food from subway. I hung out with him until he got off and went home with him. We watched Friday. Thursday morning mom and I went to FC for a divorce trial-only about child support and custody- but TI never showed up. A girl that works for mom’s lawyer lives in our old house on I Drive. What a coincidence. We talked to the DA and found out that TI was given his “true bill of indictment” and that his arraignment is on June 3. =) Big smile for that one! It’s finally coming!

I am so scared! I still haven’t had my period. I need to put an end to this for a while. I hope I am not pregnant for I shouldn’t know who the father would be until my child was born. It could be as old as five weeks or as old as two days! This is not good at all-and is definitely driving my nerves to pieces. We cannot afford such a disgrace (sorry my maybe future child) and price it would cost to have one. I have goals in life that must be met before I can so such a thing. I need BIRTH CONTROL! No more sex, A. None-it’s not allowed.

Friday, I worked and then went to SpeedZone to see SL. Thursday night we watched Roadhouse, I believe. Friday night I kicked SL’s butt at pool. When SpeedZone closed, we went home.

Saturday was BC’s wedding to MG. He is a nice guy. It was a hot and muggy day. I told A? about JC. I can’t stand that man. I despise him with the utmost regard. Later, I went out to eat at O’Çharlies with SL, ML and KG. Then we went to his mom’s house, and I met his mom! She seems like she needed a daughter. She acts as if she is picked on by all the males living in her home. Funny how SL has two brothers, also. Another coincidence that I just noticed. Anyway, his mom is nice, I just believe she needs more females around. I think it will do her good when she has daughters-in-law and grandchildren running around. Granddaughters at that. I like his family. I met his other (youngest) brother who is 15 years old and for some reason I just can’t catch his name in my head-but he was very nice also. I think the boys get a little impatient with their mother and I can also see that she shows hurt in her reactions when they snap. Somewhat of a guilt trip that seems to work wonders with her sons. They can’t resist the whims of their mother. As long as she is well respected there should be no problems. I certainly respect her for sticking around and bringing up three young men and being such a good other that they all three seem to have turned out rather well. They are well-behaved and reserved when need be the time and place.

Yet, I have not much of an opinion of his father except he has been very engrossed in the new computer which ML bought. He has not spoken much. I half expected him to question me on anything-however, he did no such thing -and so when we were at the house last week-we sat in a quiet atmosphere with only the sound of the keyboard to distract us. Maybe we will cross again without him stuck in the computer.

Saturday night, SL and I had the house to ourselves. That night was an extraordinary night and so continued Sunday morning. I must say that ice is a great tool for cooling down two very hot bodies-and pleasurable at the same moment!

I have much to think about SL. My feelings keep wavering, though. At times I wonder if this is going to turn out a game-yet I know, TRUST-AND BELIEVE that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Never have I ever written so much about a man’s family as I have this one-and shall continue in the future. I wish I could say that I loved him, but I can’t because my mind says it can’t be possible. I do believe that my heart tells me otherwise because I feel very content with this man, and I still see him as my future husband just like I did that night at Sidelines. I knew then and have felt a connection to him ever since. Hopefully, sometime in the near future I shall be able to settle this dispute between mind and soul and express my feelings to this wonderful “friend of mine”. when that day should arrive-I hope to be happily regarded in the same way. O, how I miss him, and it has only been two days since I was last in his presence.

I do not know him very well, yet I feel as if I know him inside and out and maybe that is why he hasn’t felt the need to express his character to me-because I KNOW his character. He is one with me-a Scorpio- a passionate, possessive and powerful man. He has an energy wave that runs parallel to mine-and therefore he “knows” when I most desperately need to hear his voice on a phone, or see his face reflected off my own two eyes. I think though-that he is unconsciously aware of this link. I look for the coincidences in life-and ever since-I have seen them more frequently. I love to point them out to myself and then laugh about the wonder of them.

You see, it would be of a great deal of an unsurprise if SL should call right now because I am talking about him and wish to tell you goodnight-Sorry- I am now falling asleep! To think that I could crash in the middle of a sentence. I personally know from experience that it is possible and that it is about to happen. therefore, I shall put this away so I can sleep peacefully without a pen poking me.

May 24, 1998

It’s almost June! I have been given the privilege of wearing SL’s dog tags. I feel truly special now. Thursday, I met his grandmother and great aunt. I forget their names. They were sweet ladies, however, and they got on as sisters (which they are, of course). Friday night we played pool at Firehouse with Andrew and Alaina. We kicked their butts at pool! That was a great night! Every night spent with SL is great. I hate sleeping at home now.

Today LC went to church with me. If anything is any more unbelievable than that, I wouldn’t know it. But she did, AND she also said that she would like to go again! Imagine that! She is finally growing up!

May 31, 1998

What strange dreams I have been having! Some with SL-and others, for some reason have had JT in it. It’s really irritating because I would rather not have him in my dreams. Two nights ago, I woke SL because I was laughing out loud while dreaming about a little girl. I don’t remember what she was doing, I just know that it was really funny.

Yesterday was Kat’s graduation from Kennesaw College. It was also AI and Grandma D’s birthday. I wasn’t home long because I had to work, drop by Kat’s mom’s house and then come home. After that, I left to go swimming with SL, Drew and Alaina. Mom and the girls had gone out anyway. Uncle JD and Aunt DD came up to take Grandma out to dinner. I have to make plans with Aunt DD to go sailing on St. Simon’s Island. She is going to take me around the island. That’s where Eugenia Price’s stories were located or originated from. I want to see the cemetery and the lighthouse.

Two weeks until graduation! I can’t believe it! It is absolutely crazy. I am actually going to graduate!

June 3, 1998

So many people at court today! It’s nine in the morning and he still hasn’t shown up yet! He is one stupid man. State vs.TI. Wrong courtroom! It’s downstairs! he looks different-actually, I almost didn’t recognize him. He’s scared. MeeMaw is here, also. Poor MeeMaw. I miss her. Jeff Frasier…

June 7, 1998

I am sitting here on my bed. TC is here with me because CC and LU are out at a Lynyrd Skynard concert. He is so cute. I can’t believe he is going to have a sister in four months!

I’ve been thinking about SL. It’s so great that we can be with each other all weekend and still not get tired of each other. Friday, we went to SpeedZone and played pool with his friends. Then Saturday, SL, Burt and Corey and I went to JH’s graduation. SL met CC, finally. He met mom and the kids earlier this week. Yeah, it’s about time! This morning we just laid around the house watching TV-relaxing-it was awesome! It felt so good to be lazy for once. He is so wonderful. I think I’ll hold onto him for a while-as long as possible anyway. We have both had bad communication problems in the past, so maybe we won’t have them this time-or at least if we do-we will recognize it- and except it.

July 19, 1998

Ah, it seems like I am always writing in this on Sundays. SL and I are still hanging in there. It’s almost three months and we had our first fight last night. It lasted all of about 10 minutes-8 of it was a quiet moment-either way-it scares me. I really care about him a lot. He is very precious to me, and I don’t want to lose him. I feel like I am though. I feel like I am digging a freaking hole and slowly slipping into it. It was such an emotional experience last night. I guess I am just still feeling the aftereffects. Like queasiness when I think about it. I think I should express these feelings to him-but I don’t know how to voice them. Maybe I’ll just let him read this. He has a temper that I do not like at all. I knew he had one-but I just always hoped that I wouldn’t see it, because now I look at him with a different perspective. I love him so very dearly, but I don’t like that side of him. I knew he had to have a flaw somewhere. I just didn’t want it to be that. Hopefully, he will always control himself and not direct that tempter toward me, because I would hate to love him and if he did that, I would be single once again. I don’t like that thought. In fact, I would like to erase that one, for he should surely be hurt with my thoughts. And I don’t like to hurt my baby. I believe him to be a very sensitive man. I hate what I caused last night. That may be a beginning to the ending. Lord, I hope not, for I truly believe that he was sent to me from above, and I plan to keep him for as long as possible.

Not dated

Random thoughts once again. Please excuse the mess. I think I am losing my mind. I think I already lost it. A mind so fully in need of thought. Without such a wonder. Full of sorrow. What am I doing? I am told that I am deserting my family. Oh August! I was supposed to be leaving for the Navy for 6 years! I need to get back into an art class or I am going to lose my ability to be creative. My brain is dying. No craziness. “we are going to laugh in 20 years!” Not allowed. Those are crazy dreams that are best not dreamt. I need to change BC. No good when it makes you moody as hell. I start to get this feeling like I am suffocating. I look ahead at the possibility of every loving this man and I wonder if I could ever be dependent like that. I don’t think I will ever get married because I think I will end up getting divorced anyway! I’m forgetting how to express myself. I need school! I feel like I am going to lose my mind. sometimes I feel confused. I just wonder if I will ever be able to satisfy a man completely and if I will be able to be satisfied completely. I think it is very difficult to make me completely happy. It is such a scary thought.

September 9, 1998

Such a long time since I last wrote. SL and I have been to Panama City, Big Canoe and the Atlanta 500 races (Indie cars). We have most definitely been enjoying ourselves. Our relationship is growing. Sometimes (like lately) I seem to think its growing apart-but that’s just me. Instead, we are growing stronger than ever. Our communication is good. I may keep something to myself for a day or two, but eventually voice it. Unfortunately, my wonderful friend doesn’t realize how much of a romantic I am. I need flowers and I need romance. Over four months now, and I have yet to receive a flower! I have even commented on it, and he still doesn’t seem to understand. Then I think-well maybe he just really doesn’t care, and this has all been one big game, or that the love he has for me is just not strong enough. I don’t know. I try to not think that way about him because all it does is bring me down.

I talked to CM yesterday. She’s doing good except they have the worms at her house again. She told me something was wrong with L. He feels he wasn’t a good missionary. How crazy! Lord, what could possibly be wrong with him? He got me to quit smoking. He is a great man and a great missionary. I miss him. He was a funny man. CM said he was depressed, that there was something wrong and he wouldn’t talk about it.

Sometimes I wonder if I took the right path. Sometimes I doubt myself and then most of the time I feel I did the right thing. I took the right path. Maybe if I hadn’t gone to New York, I wouldn’t have made the choices that I made after that time. I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t have. But I am happy with the choices I have made. Thank you, Lord, so very much for bringing SL into my life.

Not dated

The crowded streets are never ending.

Driving down the road is such a sight.

Everyone is so preoccupied to reaching their destination. They don’t think about

The Beauty surrounding them. They don’t

See the beauty. They only hear

Their minds telling them what they must

Do that day.

Inside the car with the peaceful music

Playing, I look around. It’s all so quiet

I reach my exit-going home today.

I think-what will it be like a hundred

Years from now? Will there be more

Technology-will we be flying around

Instead of driving. Will we be

Forced to stay indoors because of the Ozone?

Will our plants die because the sun

Will be too hot? Will we all die off the

Face of this Earth because we will no

Longer have oxygen? Will we be what Venus

Is today and Mars will be what we

Were thousands of years ago. I believe

In the Pacman Theory. The sun will eat

Us up. Just like all the planets before us.

What will it take for us to stop

Worrying so much about money and

Material possessions. Why are these

Things so important. We are killing

Ourselves, and we are too lazy to

Stop it. We are fat and depressed

And bored. The energy is slowly

Withering away to nothing.

People used to hunt and grow their

Own food. They governed only their selves

And their families. They protected

Their family like the Leader or

Father of wolves would protect

His family; like a dog protects his

Master. Somebody became my

Father and is of no blood relation.

Somebody became my protector-and

He is not my father. We used to

Live where we chose to live, and did

Not pay for it. Now you have to

Spend a lot of money on education

So you can house, clothe and feed your

Children.

Not dated

My dreams are so far gone

I can’t reach them quite yet

I wish they would come true

Why am I so unhappy?

Why can’t I find the peace and

happiness that I need.

Oh, to be loved the way I love

I do so strongly and then I lose it.

when not received, I cannot give.

I become lazy and bored.

I go crazy like I am now.

I wish to be free.

Why can’t I be free?

Why must I surrender to this culture?

I want to fly in the wind.

I want to live in the wild.

I want to be the animal that I am

I want to be free.

October 20, 1998

Will be nineteen in four days. Almost twenty years alive and I still haven’t changed a thing. You know, I should go to the school board and suggest economics over language. I think there would be a huge change in prosperity if every child had to learn at least two years of economics. That is what you need most in life. The education to survive. Language is not a survival kit-but the ability to deal with money, save, invest, etc. is a major importance. I believe there would be less bankruptcy.

I hate this house. There is so much verbal abuse, so much that I even pick up and use it, too. That makes me an unhappy person. I don’t want to sound like grandmother and mom do. But I know that eventually I will. I hate that. I wish I could be the sweet girl that I am sometimes, all the time. I just get so stressed over pointless stuff. I get tired of the way mom always talks. She uses such intelligent words towards the girls, and she doesn’t even care. She bitches at me because I don’t tell her when I’m sleeping out, yet she never pages me to show that she really cares or worries about me. I don’t get it. I can’t wait to get out of this house, whenever that may be.

SL is still the best man to ever walk this planet. He is such a sweet man. I don’t deserve such a sweetheart. I am mean sometimes. But I feel I have a good reason. When a man would rather play with his car than go to a park with you, you would be pretty pissed, too.

November 16, 1998

Over six months now that I’ve not been single. I think it kills me sometimes. Don’t get me wrong- I love SL to death and I can’t stand to be without him for very long- but I just hate that feeling, too. Mainly because I think I’m worried about getting hurt. That he will drive me away and I’ll end up breaking both our hearts. It is so hard to follow my heart over my mind when I’ve trained my mind to be in complete control. If I truly see that there is no way of living with him, then what’s the point? A twenty-five-year-old who believes his car his top priority over bills is BAD NEWS.

Now I have to swing around and around-because my heart follows him through-yet my mind says DON’T BE DUMB!

I may end up being dumb because he is such a great guy, and he has a beautiful heart. So, I just say-Let’s wait until school starts. Maybe things will get better. I hope so. I don’t want to be another girlfriend who breaks up with him once she starts school. I know he is so afraid of that. So am I. I hate to say that, but I can’t help feeling that way. He has a tender heart, but he just doesn’t want to grow up. What if I did find someone that I clicked with? Oh, I hope not. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have SL anymore. We have great chemistry. Or, at least, we did before. We hit it off so well.

I wish I could start school now. I wish I could get out of this house now. My grandmother reminds me of the VC Andrews grandmothers.

I’m too hyper. I’m ready for conflict or any debate. I get irritated too easily, and right now I am in a state of depression. I get too tired of not being able to control myself. I have NO control over my emotions, and I can’t help but speak my opinion! I speak it to Grandma, Dad and SL.

Yelling every day! Threats every night! God. I’m ready to DIE!!! Get me out of this fucking Hellhole.

November 30, 1998

Ah, the comfort of a waterbed. What would people want to know 200 years from now. Well, I wonder what things will be like. What will people miss out on? Like seeing the stars-because I think that one day that will be impossible. The cities will one day combine, and we will all live in one large city. That, or we will destroy everything, and it will all start over again. Who knows? Thirty years ago, you could buy a lot of candy for 25 cents-now it’s a couple of dollars. Gas is 87 cents a gallon, fluctuating of course. but I would say that’s average. Light poles are on electrical wires, one day it will all be underground or not exist at all, or both. CDs are pretty much still brand new. The new 4in think TV is costing up to $20,000 each right now. Of course, that’s the newest of the new.

The males still rule the world! No female presidents yet. All males. John Glen just took his trip around the world in Space. We almost bombed Sudan Husain. yes, we are still wrestling with the fools (we’re actually the fools).

People are angry. People are hostile. People are preoccupied. People are destroying the earth. We are dumb. We only care about MONEY-that which makes us greedy and judgmental. Who are we to judge? And doesn’t greed destroy in its own sweet time? MONEY is the enemy. Before, all we needed was food, clothing and shelter. Now we need cars, boats, guns, toys, makeup, TVs, electricity, etc. Of course, it makes life easier so those who are rich can live life to the fullest in leisure. But most people are obese because we are so lazy. We have cars to get to our destination. Some people have jobs where they SIT all DAY and play with a computer-trying to make something more modern so they can make more money.

Nobody stays married because MONEY gets involved and they are TOO preoccupied.

Nobody thinks about what is most important in life. Like the trees that give us oxygen- our skies- our water that we need to drink- our land all together. So many people don’t appreciate the true beauty in this world. Our lives are so short. So many years to come, but I have to die within the next eighty and I won’t be here to continue to see how we grow. To see if we get better or worse. Somehow, I believe us to get much worse before it gets better. After all, we’ve got to reach rock bottom before we can rise again! AC

December 28, 1998

Christmas has come and gone once again. This year was unlike all the 18 years before. This year there was no party at Grandma C’s. She chose to go to Michigan and have X-mas with KB, KB and MB. So, Dec 24, I went to Aunt CM’s for dinner. SL met me over there. We were supposed to go to church, but we didn’t. I went home and spent the evening with my family. I woke up at 7am, dreaming about people trying to kill me again, and showered, made coffee and breakfast. I woke everyone but GI up at 8am. GI chose to sleep through half of Christmas (we won’t get into that).

We opened presents and I went to Dad’s at about 9:30 or ten. I gave him a train for Christmas. It’s around his tree now. He fell in love with it. I really surprised him. then I came back home, and JH and SL arrived at the same time, around 1p. We exchanged presents and hung out for some time. CC and LC and the kids showed up at about 2:30 and we did presents again. About 3:30, JH and SL went their separate ways, and I ate some steak. Then, GI woke up (about 4:30) and I left, heading for SL’s. Got to SL’s, exchanged presents and we played with SL’s new race car track that I gave him. Then we rented “Blade” and “Six Days and Seven Nights”. We watched Blade and then went to bed.

Saturday, SL worked. Uncle RD, Uncle JD and Uncle DD came over (with their spouse of course). They stayed for a few hours and then I went to the mall to meet SL. We bought him a tool set and me a nightie and sweater. That night we watched the other movie. Sunday, we went to Old Navy and bought some clothes and watched Jack Frost at the theater. It was a good movie.

Now it’s today and the first of my 7-day feast (diet) of all fruits and veggies. It’s so my system will get cleaned out. I have a major health problem. Not something I care to discuss. Just know this. I go up to two weeks without bowel movement. Yes, major.

So, SL and I are still very much in love with each other. We have our moments sometimes, but it is not as bad as it was about a month ago when we broke up. I think we are just talking about things better. He is a wonderful man. Yes, there are some things that drive me bonkers! But that is me. I have an irritability problem that is connected to my colon problem (wow), and I am learning to deal with it. He is a sweet and caring man. To me, he seems very sensitive. He gives me a look sometimes that just melts my heart. I never want to lose him. I think I would go absolutely crazy if he found somebody else. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that LB and GB came over, too, on Saturday. And SL was SO jealous, that he wouldn’t come over to my house. We haven’t discussed it at all since Saturday night, and I think we both would like to keep it that way.

December 30, 1998

Reoccurring dreams

Dinosaurs

1st dream of dinosaurs resulted in a coincidence later that day. SL was called a dinosaur by a co-worker before I told him of my dream.

2nd dream of dino-later at work I found a co-worker had placed a dino cup holder on a shelf

3rd dream-last night- they were trying to kill me and others. I got to fly! Jake, from across the street, showed up, just now, with a dino shirt on. Such strange coincidences.

The dreams that are scaring me the most are the dreams of people trying to kill me. It seems to be every other night that I dream of someone or many people trying to kill me.

That bump is forming on my neck again.

January 10, 1999

All I wanted was to spend solitary time with him. I wanted to go out and do things together without other people. That is all I requested. That and I wanted him to give a shit. I wanted him to care about that fact. As always, he doesn’t and didn’t. So here I am, my last weekend before school starts and it sucks. And I’m mad at SL. Today (my last day of freedom) his car is top of the list, and I am way down at the bottom. I believe he is trying to get rid of me- well, he’s doing a good job at it. I can’t take this. I wish he would care. I wish he would leave his car alone for just this last day. But he won’t. And do you know why? Because he is a MAN- and every MAN is an ASSHOLE. I don’t like assholes; they smell. They are rotten and disgusting.

So why stay with a man who does not truly love you? I may not. I think school is going to get rid of him. I don’t think it will take much. Once I get rolling, I won’t make the time anymore and I won’t try. I won’t try to make things work because I will have enough stress as it is. He will cause more stress and I won’t be able to deal with it.

Next scenario. I go to school full time and work full time. I have less time with SL, and he will have less than me. We both miss each other tremendously and things change. I get nicer and he doesn’t spend time with his car when I’m around. We stay in love or love each other more deeply as the time goes by.

I can be positive, too. Even when right now I am feeling very negative. I didn’t want this right before school. It starts tomorrow!

Oh, no tears please! Why must they fall? Why when I need happiness the most, do I get sadness instead. Must I start school in such a sad way?

February 13, 1999

Well gee, how convenient life is. Can you believe-no, of course you believe- SL broke up with me yesterday. Two days before Valentine’s Day! Good Lord! How sweet life is. Well, it’s for the best. My eyelids are red-but- that’s okay. It’s no big deal. He’s not worth crying over. Unfortunately, I have allowed myself to smoke some cigarettes, though, and now I’m going to pay hell when I go jogging. I shouldn’t have let him get me like that-but-believe me-the cigarettes have helped calm down my nerves I won’t start back because I can’t, but I will have a couple today and possibly tomorrow.

You know- I knew this was coming. It actually should have happened a long time ago. I just didn’t want to give up. Not on him, or me, or us. I kept trying and trying, but it’s done. It is over with. There is nothing left to try. I still love him, but that just doesn’t seem to work anymore.

Parts of me say “Talk! Work things out! don’t give up yet! You guys are good with each other!” When? And then parts say, “He’s not worth the time!! He’s not good enough for you! You’ll always be unhappy with him!” I wish that wasn’t true. I am happy, but overall, not happy. He doesn’t care about making me happy. I know this, yet I kept on like an idiot. I am an idiot.

Oh well, what can you do? Go on with your life and enjoy it to the fullest the best way you can! Don’t worry about having a companion because you don’t need one right now.

We are signing off. Have a great life, SL!

Not dated

A letter to the judge:

Not to be read in court.

I am very serious about wanting to be a part of this case and wanting to be able to HEAR the case. This is MY case! Not yours. If I am continuously excluded, you will not hear the end of me, because I will publicize whatever is possible. I don’t play games. Sending some lady to sit next to me and tell me what is going on is a game. I couldn’t even hear his plead in court. That means sitting in the front row is too far away!

I want an appointment on March 3rd to talk to the parole board or Jeff Frasier. Whoever it is. You people can’t decide one’s sentencing without talking to the victim. You don’t know me! Nor do you know how sincere I am and serious I am without seeing me face to face.

Phone######, my pager ######. My pager works. All you have to do is call it. AC

June 11, 1999

B-F Judicial Circuit

Transcript of the proceedings had in the above-styled case before the HONORABLE RG, Superior Court Judge, at the courthouse in C, F-County, Georgia, commencing on Friday, the 11th day of June, 1999

APPEARANCES OF COUNSEL

For the State: JF, Assistant District Attorney

For the Defendant: SR, ESQ

MR. F: Your Honor, presently before the Court is  case number xxxxxx. It’s from the Sentencing Calendar, The State versus TJI.

Back on February the 3rd of this year, he entered a plea of guilty to a non-negotiated plea. A straight-up plea.

The Court ordered a pre-sentence investigation and a sex offender evaluation at his own expense.  And the State is ready to proceed, having learned that both of those have been performed.

THE COURT: All right.

MS. P: And, Your Honor, prior to the Court rendering the sentence — entering the sentence, I would like for the Court to hear from AC by way of a letter. She is the victim in the case. And I would also like for the Court to hear from AC’s father, who is in the courtroom today.

THE COURT: All right. Do you have any evidence you want to present, Mr. R?

MR. R: Just my client’s statement to the Court, Your Honor.

THE COURT: All right. You can proceed.

BY MR. R:

MR. R:  Okay.  Do you just want to do it here or do you want him

THE COURT: (Interposing) You can do it right there.

MR. R: Okay.

MR. F:  And, Your Honor, just to insure, if you don’t mind —

MR. R: (Interposing) I’ll swear him.

MR. F:  — also — and I would like to make sure that everything that he says is audible. It’s said into the microphone so that we can all hear and Ms. C can hear. When he entered his plea back in February, she was unable to hear.

THE COURT: Well, under the circumstances maybe it would be a better idea to put him up here right behind this microphone.

MR. R: Go to the witness box and stand up and raise your right hand.

(Whereupon, the Defendant took the witness stand.)

Whereupon, TJI, having been first duly sworn, was examined and testified as follows:

DIRECT EXAMINATION

       Q.   Would you take a seat and state your name?

A. My name is TJI

Q. T, this is your opportunity to address Judge G and tell him anything you think he needs to know or you’d     like to have him know regarding your sentence.

A.   Your Honor, I just want the family to know that I’m very sorry for what happened.  I do take full responsibility for that when it happened. This was back in 1991, and I had asked for forgiveness from my daughter — step-daughter, excuse me, and my wife. And we continued to live together for about another six years before we split up. When we split up, that’s when all of this started up again.

But I’m very, very sorry for what happened. And I’ve been under a tremendous amount of stress because this thing has stretched out almost three years and caused me a lot of anxiety and depression.

And I think that’s all I’ve got to say. I’m just very sorry about it.

MR. R: Your witness.

CROSS-EXAMINATION

BY MR. F:

Q. Are you aware of the anxiety and depression that you have caused your step-daughter?

  A. No, sir, I guess I’m not.

Q. And that’s for more than three years, isn’t it? That’s for longer than three years that you’ve caused her

depression and anxiety, right?

A. I don’t think so. I

Q.   (Interposing) When did this occur?

A.   In 1991. I tried to do everything to make things easier for her to never have that kind of problem again. I’ve never laid a hand on any of my kids except for her that one time.

Q.   One time?

A.   Uh-huh (affirmative).

Q.   Is that a yes?

A.   Yes, sir.

Q.   You’re saying that it has not happened more than once?

A.   No, sir.

MR. F: That’s all I have, Your Honor.

 THE COURT: You can step down.

(Whereupon, the Defendant was excused and exited the witness stand.)

THE COURT: Anything further? MR. R: No, sir.

THE COURT: All right. Mr. F.

MR. F: Your Honor, at this time, with the Court’s permission, MB with the Department of Probation would like to read — AC would like for her to read a letter to the Court.

THE COURT: All right.

MS. B: I believe you have a copy of that, Your Honor.

(Brief pause.)

MS. B: “To Those Who I Hope Are Concerned: Let me   tell you the story of my life.

My mother, YI, married my stepfather, TI , when I was seventeen months old. Needless to say, I grew up looking at T as a father. I loved him as I love a father. As anyone loves a father. I called him ‘Dad’, ‘Daddy’ and never called him ‘T’. I called my real father by his first name more than I did T.

One day when I was about eight, my brother, GI, was about three and my sister AI, was under one years old, I was babysitting AI. Actually, T was home, but I played ‘mom’.  I took care of AI and kind of took care of GI. I remember T, G and I were playing and T had me layed down on the floor with his pelvic area over my  face. Clothes on, mind you, the bad stuff has yet to come. Well, at this time in life T began to train me to massage. I would have to massage feet, legs, back, neck, temples and sometimes his stomach and chest if he was laying down on his bed. At eight years old, I began this journey through hell.

His manipulation part in this: to get all family members used to the idea of me giving T massages.

One night we were going to watch a movie. T had So, he then decided to give me baths. To wash my entire body with a wash cloth. These were times when mom was working. Unfortunately, she worked most nights throughout my childhood. One night, living in D’ville (I was probably nine or ten) he was giving me a bath. I think I said something negative about it because he started telling me that I should appreciate the body. That the body is beautiful. Right next to the bathroom was a room (an office at one time, later my bedroom). This room had a big window. He made me get out of the bath and stand in the doorway next to him and look at my body in the reflection. He had been wearing a robe. He undid his robe, so both of our bodies were reflected. We ended up moving into the his parents’ home for a small amount of time, so no baths were given. Well, we finally moved into F-County. We first lived in a house off I Drive. Then we moved to a house off F Drive. This is where the fun began. I was in the fifth grade at this time. I changed schools for the sixth time and I was very self-conscious about myself. I had low self-esteem. A lot of this had to do with what I was dealing with. I was playing mom, cook, maid and then parts of a ‘wife’. I became T’s ‘experience’. I was the elevenyear old that he tried to make have an orgasm. It all began with the stupid massages. He would make me sit on his stomach, almost on top of his penis, and massage his chest. Then he would tell me to massage his legs.  He only wore boxers. He would tell me to put on a big t-shirt only so he could be more comfortable.  If I was wearing pants or shorts, he would tell me to take them off. Sometimes he would have me take off my shirt so he could see how much I’ve ‘grown’. So here I am, skinny little girl, with panties and a shirt on, massaging his legs and chest. Forever I would massage. Then he would want me to go higher.  He would laugh at me. He would take off his boxers and make me grab his penis and ‘jack him off’. He would excrete semen many times like this. One day he had me in his bathroom.  He took off my clothes and made me sit on the counter with my legs spread. He undid his robe and excreted semen into the bathroom sink. Needless to say, somehow I got a yeast infection.  Oh, yes, I did.  I hadn’t even  had a period before and here I am with a yeast infection. Well, I go to a doctor (my mom took me), get some medication and it’s gone in a week. Well, Tom used the excuse ‘I want to check you out and see if you are okay down there’ for a couple of months.  He would have me take off my clothes and spread ’em wide so he could “check me out’. He would touch my vagina. Stick his finger inside and then eventually that led to him ·getting off’ once again. One night we were going to watch a movie. T had given me one of his nightgowns so I could wear it for special occasions like this one. G and A were laying on the floor in front of the TV. T had a blanket, a towel and was wrapped up in a robe. He had me lay on his side in front of him on the couch. We were both on our sides with him behind me. He pulled up the nightgown and undid his robe. He felt my breasts and then moved down to my vagina. He fingered me inside my vagina. I just layed there. He pulled my legs apart a small bit and stuck his penis between my legs. Not toward the inside of my vagina, but just between the legs. He eventually excreted semen into some toilet paper, and that was it. Oh my goodness, the amount of times that I saw him ejaculate I could not tell you. It was a regular thing that I could not control. He gave me guilt trips from hell if I didn’t do what he wanted. Well, finally I had enough. He tried to teach me how to french kiss. He said, ·you want to know how to do it when you have a boyfriend don’t you?’ So I thought, okay. I didn’t like it at all. The last time he touched me, it was forced. He tried to stick his finger inside my vagina and I fought against him. I cried ‘No’ and he kept telling me that I wanted it. That I liked it and it felt good. Within that week, I told mom through my diary what had been going on, and it ended. Toward me, that is. I was never touched again.

Let me make this real plain and simple. I am getting angrier and angrier the more I have to write this down. I am feeling large quantities of hatred for T right now and I am trying to teach myself not to hate and to forgive.

I understand you need this letter in order determine what kind of sentence T should receive. First punishment and main punishment from me that I request is to have this letter read out loud for the Judge and courtroom to hear.

I want people to know what this case is about. Child molestation on one occasion is slightly incorrect. On many occasions is more like it. One year of prison is not enough.

Don’t let him fool you. When he gets out of prison he will continue with his sick behavior. He has admitted to me that he’s a pedophile. He doesn’t care because he can’t help it.

If he ever gets remarried, that woman must know about his past, especially if she has any little girls. If you guys don’t put him in for the maximum time and he gets out early, he will molest those girls.

I have to do this in order for me to be able to go on with my life. I don’t mean to get rude with anyone working on this case, but it has to be understood that I live with this everyday. I never go a day without thinking about my past. I     have nightmares and I dream about him constantly. I need help and this is my first step. I need to be a part of this case. Technically this is F versus I. To me, it is C versus I. I pressed the charges. I am the victim. I want to be able to hear this case in the courtroom.

I want this letter read in the courtroom out loud.

That is what I want. I want him to stand in front of the Judge and plead guilty to all that has been charged in this letter.”

MR. F: Your Honor, at this time with the Court’s permission I’d like for Mr. SC to address the Court. Mr. C has undergone brain surgery recently. And with the Court’s permission, I’d like for him to be able to address the Court from where he is at this point, Your Honor.

THE COURT: All right.

MR. C: I had brain surgery about twenty years ago. It’s been a good while. Your Honor, I just — I just want to let you know that when I’m stressed out I lose some words. You may have to give me some extra time for them. TI is — since I’ve known him, to me has always been a con-artist. I’ve thought and thought and thought what the heck to say. I could write a book.  This happened a long time ago. In ’91, I guess. A came to me when she was seventeen. Came to my house, “Dad, we’ve got to go to the police. Just get in the car.””For what?”

“I can’t talk about it. Just get in the car.”

“Well, I’m not going to go anywhere unless you tell me what the heck we’re doing.”

“Just get in the car.”

After a couple of miles, slowly but surely I’m told about what’s happening.

And you know something, I wasn’t shaking like I am now. I was waiting for it.

So I had to let her know it was not her fault.  She had nothing to do with it. She couldn’t tell me because she was — they thought I was going to kill him. She was told not to tell me because I’d kill him.

So she — if I had known back then that all this happened — since her mother left, I had a house for my children just in case something like this-not something like this, but there was always a house, a room for my kids. And I could kill this idiot every time I saw him.

I didn’t have any children. I paid child support. Stick that in your head. Child support. I had brain surgery, I’m half blind. I had to learn how to talk allover again. My memory is shot. But I paid my child support. I never — one time I think I wasn’t able to see my children because T says I owe him for a couple of years. I paid Five bucks a month less than I should have.

So I was behind.

My son tells me he was his father. He was great with my son. He never had any problems with C. He’s a good con-artist.

Fantastic with my son. And yet he goes to bed -plays with my little girl and tells me I’m not paying child support enough.

And I just pay the bills. Pay the child support. Work to pay the child support and I don’t have any children. You’ve got my children. And what are you doing to my children, you bastard?

You sorry son-of-a-bitch.  Excuse me.

I paid my child support and I’m done. I paid it. You haven’t paid a penny. You have three other children that

you haven’t paid a penny — not one penny. You didn’t have brain surgery. They tell me that you have a little mental problem here. You can’t work or something? You can’t pay a penny for your child — for your children?

I’m an alcoholic.  I go to AA. I stay away from, drinking. And I’ve been doing pretty good. And you better take some classes, buddy, just like AA, but three times five times, ten times to get it into your head, buddy. You pay child support, you take care of your children.  You son-of-a-bitch.

THE COURT:  All right. I’m not going to tolerate that.

MR. C: I’m sorry.

THE COURT:  I’m going to listen to what you have to say, but you’re not going to do any name calling and you’re not going to vent your own personal

MR. C: (Interposing) I understand.

THE COURT: — things.

MR. C: I understand.  I’m sorry.

THE COURT:  If you’ve got something to say with respect to the sentence he ought to receive because of what he did to your daughter, that’s fine.

MR. C: He’s a con-artist, Your Honor. And he’ll look at you like he’s the nicest guy in the world. He’ll turn around and do the other. And he hasn’t paid a penny on his child support. I guess that’s all I’ve got to say, Your Honor.

THE COURT: All right. Anything else? MR. F: Nothing else, Your Honor. (Brief pause.)

THE COURT: All right. The record should reflect that Mr. I has been evaluated by the Highland Institute in this matter. And I’m just curious, Ms. B, did they have the letter that was written in this case available?

MS. B: No, sir, they did not. (Brief pause.)

THE COURT: And did they have the benefit of this letter before the recommendation — or did Ms. Ck have the benefit of this letter before the recommendation was made?

MS. B: Yes, sir. We spoke with Ms. AC the day we interviewed her and explained to her the pros and cons of both prison and probation. And she understood after leaving that interview what the recommendation would be.

THE COURT: Did Ms. C have the benefit MS.

B: (Interposing) Yes, she did. (Brief pause.)

THE COURT: Well, I have a little difficulty under these circumstances when someone gets up and says that this was a one time incident in the face of what clearly has been shown to me that it wasn’t a one time incident. That shows little or no remorse to me and does not warrant a sentence of probation, at least exclusively probation.

There was no negotiation in this case.

But I think under the circumstances there will be some time to serve in this matter.

Upon reading the evaluation that was done by the Highland Institute, they do seem to think that there is some chance that Mr. I might be responsive to the kind of treatment that they provide at that facility. But I hope that’s correct. And it’s going to be awhile before you can avail yourself of it.

The sentence in this case is going to be fifteen years of which five years will have to be served. The balance to be served on probation.

The fine is going to be One Thousand Dollars, Fifty Dollars for the Peace Officers Standards and Training Act, a One Hundred Dollar Jail Fee, Fifty Dollar Victim Assistance Fee and a Twenty-three Dollar per month Probation Supervision Fee.

You were appointed, Mr. R, is that correct?

 MR. R: Yes, sir.

THE COURT: I’m going to require that you reimburse  F-County for attorney’s fees disbursed to Mr.R. I’m going to require that youpay these fines and fees at the rate of not less than One Hundred and Fifty Dollars per month beginning thirty days after your release. Special conditions of probation in addition to general conditions, which will be explained to you by your Probation Officer, are as follows:

You won’t be allowed to take into your body any substance which is prohibited or controlled by any law of the State of Georgia or the United States except pursuant to a physician’s prescription, which shall be submitted to your Probation Officer for inspection and copying prior to ingesting any of the prescribed substances.

You’ll be required from time to time, upon oral or written request by the Probation Officer or any law enforcement officer, to produce a specimen of any bodily substance for analysis for the presence of a substance prohibited by any law of the State of Georgia or the United States.

You’ll be required to submit to a search of your person, houses, papers and/or effects, as these terms of the Fourth Amendment to the United State’s Constitution are defined by the Courts, anytime of the day or night, with or without a search warrant, whenever requested to do so by a Probation Officer or any law enforcement officer. And you specifically consent to the use of anything seized as evidence in any juridical proceeding or trial.

You’ll be required to report all arrests for any reason to the Probation Officer within forty-eight hours.

You won’t be allowed to possess any firearms, alcoholic beverages or illegal controlled substances or be in any residence or vehicle where they’re located.

You’ll be required to submit at your own expense to an evaluation for substance abuse and satisfactorily complete at your own expense any treatment program that may be recommended by your Probation Officer.

You’re to avoid any contact whatsoever, personal, telephone, mail or otherwise with AC.

You’ll be required to serve — excuse me. You’ll be assigned to the Specialized Offender’s Supervision Program

for Sex Offenders until further order of the Court, and abide by all special conditions, rules and policies of that

program. You’ll be supervised for the entire period of time on probation for the protection of the victim and/or class of

victims in this case. In the event that Ms. C is undergoing any kind of treatment or therapy as a result, I’m going to require that  you pay the cost of any such treatment, as well as any future treatment she may need as a result of your actions in this case.

Any questions?

MR. R: No, sir.

THE COURT: He’ll be in your custody.

MR. F: Thank you, Your Honor.

Whereupon, the above proceeding was terminated.)

July 7, 1999

Four classes, Monday through Thursday-these classes are two hours and forty-five minutes long! Plus, I work a full time job at CPC. Somehow I am dealing with this, although I am not sure how.

A guy, Jeremy, from my English class called me last night. I talked to him, but told him that I was too busy the next few weeks to go out. He kept talking about how much he wanted to get to know me and take me out. This is such bullshit, I think. Kevin says he just wants to get something from me. He wants something! I don’t have a good feeling about him, therefore, there will not be any future dates.

Ginger and AJ woke me up last night at 12:30a! It was so nice to see them! I must say, I was surprised. It almost seemed like a dream, but I know it wasn’t. At 1:30a, I kicked them out so I could get some more sleep.

Mom is moving to Charleston in a month! Next weekend I am going to Charleston with here so we can close on the mobile home. I am cosigning with grandma on this. I hope I am not making a mistake! It will help me build my credit, I think. I am also going to buy an IMAC computer.

It is crazy how much everyone has grown. I do not write much about them, but now I wish I had. AI is very much an artist. Her artistic side makes her try out different things. She has tried the violin, which she did really well in, and she has run track. Lately, she has been going to church more, but I believe her sole purpose in this is because she was planning on going camping with the girls. She should probably deny this, but I believe this to be true. DI tries to hard to meet AI’s…. (nothing else was written)

August 29, 1999

Communion: Where is your heart?

We all want to be happy. Are you chasing the wind? Time is short. What are you doing with your life? What is your dream? We need bigger dreams in our life? Are you chasing the wind? We are doing the same thing that Solomon was doing. We are trying to find happiness in material things. We are still empty. Chasing after the wind is meaningless. You can’t catch the wind.

Are you facing the end? All of us want to go to Heaven. We don’t look for happiness in God. God wants your life to be full. He wants your life to be awesome. He knows what won’t make you happy, so he tells you not to do them.

I have been helping people go to Hell. God wants you to have a purpose. We are slaves to sin. The dead are judged. You cannot escape God. Judged for what they had done, not what they intended to do. This is your chance. Don’t make excuses. This is your time. Don’t let your heart get hard. Jump through the Window. Are you Racing to Win? Don’t waste your life on what makes you empty. Fear God! Have respect for God in your heart. Keep his commandments. This is the key to happiness.

September 12, 1999

Communion: Peter disowns Jesus-his heart was not with the cross. Barabas’s heart is hard and he never repents, but Peter repents-his heart softens. Is your heart soft? Are you being a hypocrite?

Saul watched the stoning of Stephen. Anyone can change! God can change you! Saul destroyed the church, put people in prison. Blinded for 3 days. Saul saw the light. God has, in many ways, been trying to get you to see the light. What has God done to show you the light? Sufferings, break-ups, empty friendships–listen to the Holy Spirit! Sin persecutes Jesus! You are hurting Jesus. Anything you put before God–boyfriends, etc. Receive your sight, See the Light, Change, Pray, Receive your Sight. People help us see clearly.

September 26, 1999

Communion:How close is your heart to the cross? Are you shedding tears for the cross? Is your heart exposed?

Lay it out with people. Be straightforward. People like it when you are truthful. We aren’t politically correct. Truth is what people need. Lay it out about sin. Your body is the temple of the living God. Christ divides people.

October 9, 1999

You are here to be a light. You are supposed to shine. We were born to be powerful. Women feel hopeless, we are consumed with wondering what people think. Do not conform to this world. We are just one beggar, showing the other beggar where the food is. The world taught you to sin! Have peace of mind by being open. Jesus was open, he was vulnerable and real. immitate Jesus’s heart. He had peace of mind. He said, “may your will be done” to God. Being open is the key to being healed. We need to send people to heaven. You have to be selfless. David’s title was taken away. Why had God given me hardships? Common question. God takes David’s best friend. David lost respect for himself, lost dignity. Motives of every heart is exposed. God will test us and challenge us and expose us. David doesn’t quit or feel sorry for himself. Everybody has their own cave-You need to scream! Because people are becoming Christians. We have forgiveness.

October 14, 1999

The ice cream man’s wife died of cancer in her lymph nodes. His father and father’s brother died of the same thing from working in a body shop. The dust, paint and other stuff caused the cancer!

October 19, 1999

Forgiveness

God will turn away from me if I do not forgive. I love my stepfather. He had hurt me and I have to be able to forgive him. God loves me and I have hurt him and he forgives me. The hurt that I caused God is so much more than the hurt TI caused me. If God can forgive me, then I can forgive TI.

Put to death whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, greed, get rid of anger, rage, cussing. Have compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and PATIENCE! FORGIVE as the Lord is going to forgive you! Let the peace rule my heart. Be thankful in the name of Christ through God. If I do not forgive TI for his sins, then God will not forgive me. I am being a hypocrite. All sin is equally bad. My sin is no greater or less than TI’s sin. I can not condemn him because I have no right. I love him and wish for him to be saved. I wish for him to become right with God. He needs you, God. He needs to repent. I need to repent. I need to be forgiving of all people. I need to forgive him. He is no worse than I. We are both in the dark. We are both going to hell. I pray, God, that I will be in the light. I can totally forgive, him, God, because he needs to be forgiven. He is so empty and so lost. I wish to help him. What he did is the past. It hurt me, but it is over with. I am no longer living that life and suffering from that abuse. My abuse has made me more grateful for you, God, and much more thankful. I am so thankful to be loved by you, even though I am so undeserving of your love. God, please soften me even more, because I want to be your slave and your servant. I pray this in your son’s name. Amen.

Mark 11:20-25. Trust God. Have faith in God. God answers your prayers.

October 21, 1999

Dear God, I love you so much. I am so thankful for your love and your patience. I pray that I can be patient like you, God. I am thankful for your perseverance with me. Without you, I would be lost. Right now, I would be lost and I would probably still be sinning. Without you I would be an angry and irritated person. I would be cussing and screaming at drivers. I would probably be smoking and drinking. I would look at my stepfather with anger. I would look at my family with impatience and frustration. I would be criticyzing. I would be having sex. I would be laughing at crude, sexual jokes. I would be hard hearted. I would be prideful. I would be doubtful of you, Lord. Without you I am nothing. I am empty and lonely and sad. With you, I am everything. I am happy, patient, loving, soft hearted, forgiving, humble, free from sexual immorality and impurity, not an idolator. I love you so much, God. I ask you, God, to expose my heart. I ask you to help me be truly broken over my sin. I ask you to soften my heart and make me humble. I need you more than I have ever needed anyone. I wish to break down the wall that is between us. I wish to become sinless so I can be your daughter. I love you so much. Please help me to get broken about everything. Right now, though, I need to be broken over my sin. I love you and its in your son’s name I pray. Amen. Psalm 40 Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust.

For troubles without number surround me. My sins have overtaken me, I cannot see. They are more than the hairs on my head and my heart fails within me.

October 23, 1999

God, from here on out, I pray that I will always do these things-pray and read everyday because it is awesome! But do it with love and eagerness and not make it a routine. That I live by your word, the Bible. That I go to church, to all services, with excitement because I get to be with your children. That I am always open with them and that I build awesome friendships with them. That I always remember the cross when I am straying off path and during communion. That I become a fisher of men and make at least 20 disciples in this next year. That I be not prideful, but humble. That I stay as far away from sin as possible. That I am always forgiving and have compassion on those not saved. That I am always expressing my love and that I have self control over myself. God, I am grateful for Christ’s death because now I can be forgiven for my sins. Thank you so much for your sacrifice. I want to be in the light with you! I feel that this is the only true church and I am so grateful to be able to become a part of it. I love you so much!

Not dated

Part of my sin study:

Drugs: I started smoking cig’s at the age of 14. I started so I could learn how to inhale so I could try pot. I didn’t want to waste the marijuana. I started smoking and didn’t quit for four years. I hated smoking after a while. I got to where I just couldn’t stand it. I hated the cough, the taste, the smell that was in my clothes, the tiredness, the rapid pace of my heart. I started jogging when I was 15. In my sophomore year, I tried to run track. I was way too slow. I used to be really fast, but not anymore! So, after about 10 tries, I finally quit when I was 18 yrs old.

I also started smoking pot at age 14. It was a lot of fun. It was a new experience. A new world. I remember one of my first experiences. I was at my best friend’s house and were smoking her mother’s weed. Another girl was there and a couple of guys that lived across the lake. I remember my heart started beating really, really fast. Then my stomach started acting weird. I started to get really dizzy. I layed on her mother’s bed, and stared at the light above. I layed there and swore to God that if he let me live, I would never smoke pot again. I begged, pleaded and promised. Eventually I started to feel better and my high became normal again. My promise faded away and I continued to smoke pot. I look back now and its just amazing how forgiving God is because he is still with me today. After all of the promises I have made and borken to him, he is still here trying to bring me to him. I smoked pot heavily up until last January I guess. I have smoked a few times since then. Each time I smoked I knew I was doing bad. I felt I was doing bad.

I also did acid a few times. I’m not sure how many, but I know its not a large amount. I remember being in Michigan with my cousin and tripping for two nights in a row. The first night really wasn’t very interesting. It was almost like I hadn’t even taken anything. However, the 2nd night was much different. My view has been different since. That night I realized that the demons live in the shadows. All shadows. I could see demons in the bushes and the trees. To this day, I can spot demons in the shadows of trees. Lets say it freaked me out just slightly. It was a very scary experience.

Other than that, I have drunk plenty of alcohol. I never drank so much that it got out of hand, though. I am not an alcoholic, although I could be. I always made a point in controlling that because habits and addictions run wild in my family. I’ve always been very determined to not let it attack me as it has to many family members.

I have slept with eight men. Four were basically one night or one week stands. The other four were more meaningful to me, or at least I thought so. Actually two of them I did not love, I just dated for a couple of months. The other two I can say that I cared for very deeply and still love them as people. One of them was my first love and the other was my last love. I regret being sexually immoral with all of these men except the last. The last one, I just wish I had waited with him. And now, I hope he will wait with me. I do care for him deeply. I truly thought that God brought him to be because there were so many signs pointing to him. I would ask God to show me one by doing this or that, and he would always point to him.

I am a very impatient person, and with that comes fits of anger.

Dear God, please help me! I love you so much but my heart is so hard. My heart has softened tremendously, but it is still very solid. I need a soft heart. I need to be closer to you. I need this more than anything. Please help me because I can’t do this alone. I just went over the cross, and I kept falling asleep! All I could think of was sleep! I will read it again later because I really couldn’t focus on it. I have so much faith in you. I have seen your power even without being a Christian. I pray and beg of you to help me. I beg that you help me get a soft heart and really be cut by my sin in my life and by the sin I experienced by another. I need to be able to forgive, but my heart needs to be soft. God please make it obvious to me when me and my heart truly forgive TI. I don’t know how it will feel, and I need your guidance.

October 24, 1999

God you are my savior. I love you so very much. I know that people, because of Satan, are going to persecute me, but I also know that you have given me the strength to take it. I always wondered what it was that you were preparing me for, and now I know. You gave me the strength to persevere to get baptized and you have given me strength to be a true disciple. I am so grateful to be able to see this and understand this now. God, I am so grateful for your gift of the Holy Ghost and the gift of forgiveness. Satan is totally trying to use my last baptism against me, but I understand and truly believe that this is the real and true baptism. I love you so much. I did not have the same relationship with you then because you knew where my heart was. It was so hard! And they did not care. All they wanted was another addition to their church. I am so thankful to be a part of your kingdom now. I am so thankful to finally know the truth! God, I love you so much. Your word is truly powerful and amazing. It frightens me to know that so many people are lost! Grandma C has never read your scriptures! She has totally believed in Satan to read her the Bible and not knowing if what they say is truly your word or not! I never knew that, and it is scary! God, how could this possible not be true? It can’t! I talk to you and you talk back! I never had this closeness with you before! That is so incredible! I am so grateful for your grace and your love. I am so grateful for your sacrifice because without it, I would be still behind that wall. And now that wall is broken down. The world is so lost and I hope to help them find their way home. I hope to be able to guide them.

December 10, 1999

I am struggling so bad today. I have had such a bad attitude! All I want to do is be a servant and here I am getting a bad attitude today. I have the opportunity to serve J and I get an attitude. No, I get selfish. I wanted to go out to eat after devo tonight and what did I do? I got selfish. Allison had to focus me on being serving to J. All I wanted to work on was serving others this week because I knew that I had not been. Then I get an attitude with God for giving me the opportunity to serve! Everything I have said or done tonight was completely non-spiritual. I didn’t even bring my Bible or notebook! I was not doing great at all today. I totally put MS on the spot tonight when he asked me out for next weekend. I must really want a date and just don’t know it. I think that I need to come closer to my real feeling about things. Talking about dating with a brother is really not cool- I don’t think. I do know that I need to apologize to MS for doing that to him. I also need to talk to C. I guess I have been feeling lately that I need more of a challenge with my d-times with her. I don’t know if I am her first or not-it seems- because I am getting nothing out of my times with her. I mean its okay to have fun and chit chat about make-up and stuff, but I know that she has some follow-up studies that she needs to do with me. She does not even bring her Bible with her. I don’t know. Hopefully tomorrow will be fulfilling. I hope I pass this class with an A. I love you God! It’s in your son’s name that I pray. Amen.

December 24, 1999

You must believe in the word and follow the teachings of the Word. The word must rule your life. Proverbs 8:13 “I hate pride and arrogance” pride goes before destruction. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.

My sin right now seems to be lust. I have very lustful dreams and I picture images in my head even when I think of brothers! I think about being married to one, and that is what pops in my head. It is a very worldly view and perspective of things. I wish I would quit thinking of these images. I don’t know how to block them from my mind. I don’t enjoy them at all. I truly wish to end them. I don’t like to view my brothers like this at all. And my eyes stray, quickly, but they still stray. I watch people, but I wonder if that is still being lustful. Oh, I can’t stand it! Please, God, help me to overcome this! One, I think I need to quit worrying so much about how I look physically because its like I want to look attractive for others and that is the wrong attitude. I need to worry about being healthy, not attractive.

My testimony

Hi, my name is AC and I’m with the K..ministry. I was met 4 months ago by MC. I remember all my life complaining to my mom about the world. The greed, the hunger, the hate, the wars. I couldn’t stand it. but she would always say, “Quit complaining and do something about it”. And I knew that I needed to do something, but I didn’t know what or how. I always knew that I had a purpose, but I never knew what it was. I did know that one day I would know. Anyway, once I started coming to church, I couldn’t stay away. I could feel something here that I desperately wanted to be a part of. I got stumped at my sin study. My heart wasn’t totally there and I was having a major problem trusting God with my life. I found a letter I had written six years ago. I was just pouring my heart out into the letter and I got a response. It told me to be patient. That something will come and when it does, I will know because it will be like nothing I had ever seen before. And it would be great. It said that I would become a Brand new person, run through people’s lives and have a different perspective. It convicted me that God was in control of my life and he had this plan for me at least six years ago. This letter totally described the kingdom, my life now because it is like no other church. I have become a brand new person, I run through people’s lives and I have a different perspective.

December 29, 1999

Ahh- I am trying to get over this cold. I haven’t been this sick in- I think- 7 years. I went to the Dr yesterday and he gave me some medicine. I coughed up yucky mucous today and it made me throw up-3 times! I went to the dentist today- I get to have a root canal! Yeah!!! My tooth is dead and abscessed. Anyway, I bought this journal because dad has lost the one that I left in his truck. I am sitting in a parking lot trying to cough without puking. Feeling somewhat dizzy from this annoyingly bright, shiny sun. I am desperately trying to get better. My quiet times the last two days have been unfortunately awful and I wish there was a living apostle today to heal me. God, please make me better by Friday. I’m picking L up at 5 and LO is going to meet us at her apartment to watch Anne of Avonlea. Anyway, I just wanted to start this quiet time with a little of what is going on around my amusing life.

I am also reading a book called “Daring to Draw Near” by John White. Who can I go to with confidence in any type of situation? I think, my aunt, because she listens and always gives advice. This makes me feel at ease. I can be confident that I can approach God with anything because he understands better than I can imagine possible. As a disciple of Jesus, I am ablet to come to God with such confidence because I have already been promised eternal life and because I am living according to God’s commands. Therefore, I can be confident that God will listen and answer my prayers because he is my father and because he loves me and because he is happy with me and the choices that I have recently made in my life. The only time that I could not be confident in coming to God would be if I had fallen away. Which I pray will never happen.

December 30, 1999

Well, I seem to be feeling a little better today. Last night I was miserable. I wish I could have been more fun, but I started to get hot and dizzy. I just haven’t been sick like this in so long. Last night, I asked God to keep all unnecessary items out of my dreams and he did! He is so awesome. I dreamed about snow. It started to snow and the snowflakes were far from flaked. They were as big as baseballs. They were so cool! I heard the radio man say we had 5 inches already and it had only been about 10 minutes and he expected 5 more inches. I was ecstatic. Anyway, here I am, and I am ready.

December 31, 1999

Yesterday was a full day. I went to Cracker Barrel with MG and then we watched Sleepy Hollow. Afterward, I hung with L&H at L’s host family’s home. I met all of the children. One is 7 and a gymnast, one is 5 and likes to rollerblade, the others are 2 year old twins. They speak so much better than my nephew. Her host mom bought pizza, so that was their dinner. Then I met up with MM and we went to the movies with AP and YE to see The Man in the Moon. It was good and sad. Not a good movie for a date! I woke up this morning and came home. MM had left to have a quiet time with YE. I want to concentrate on having an effective, joyful prayer. This week, I haven’t had any! My prayers have been awful and depressing. I am sure God either misses me or is upset with me. I’d rather take the first one. I need to remember that what I may ask will only be answered according to God’s will. I really can’t assume that if I ask something, that I will be answered. I need to surrender to God’s will. If he wills it to happen, then it will happen. I also need to remember that he knows what is best for my heart and my self. He knows me better than I know myself. I think that my unsubmissive prayers are the ones that I question him in. I should not question or doubt, but be submissive to God and the decisions that he makes for my life and all other lives as well.

Dear God, please forgive me for having unloving and ineffective prayers to you this week. I have truly missed you but I have been lazy and I let my cold be an excuse for me to make in order to not have a quiet time on Monday. and this whole week has been different ever since. I do love you so very much and I pray you forgive me. god, I want to thank you so much for giving me two free nights of dreams, that I can remember, that didn’t have SL or JT or any other with any lustful anything in them. They have been a blessing of yours and I am truly grateful. I feel like I can breathe. It seems as long as I can continue to not dream about him, then I can go on the rest of my days thinking of him less and less. I don’t miss him anymore and I wish to not think about him anymore. So I thank you ever so much for your graciousness.

January 1, 2000

In a lot of places, Saturday is the first day of the week. So today is the first day of the week, year, decade, century, millennium. It just feels weird to actually put a 20 instead of 19. Everybody else for the past 100 years has put a 1, at least, and now we get to put a 2. And I turned 20 this year, also. Okay, so strange things are happening. I am grateful to be here during this time. I feel privileged and we all should. Okay, but God, you can’t come down yet. I still have to baptize L&H. Here are another 2 that I met. An awesome 2 girls from South Africa. they are awesome. They came to the New Year’s Party last night. JP from GA state was my date. I didn’t get home until 3:30am. I am glad we didn’t have church this morning. It was definitely a lot of fun. But now its time for a QT.

January 2, 2000

Finally, we are going to church! Yesterday, we had Kingdom study with L. I think it went okay. I had an awesome prayer walk before that. I hope God is much more pleased with me this time. After the study, we went to get my pictures then got some food and went to the movies. We saw The Green Mile. It was weird at the end because the theater stayed so quiet.

January 4, 2000

Yesterday was insane and exhausting. I worked 9 hours non-stop. I was so tired at the end. After work I went over to LO’s house. I stayed for a few hours, had dinner and a brownie. I love going over there because its a whole family and they are just so amusing. MC called me last night. She asked me to see if L could get together tonight. I started to get selfish and not right with my heart. I am so glad she called me out on that because I really was being selfish. I need some help with my heard, God, when I am tired.

January 5, 2000

I am so excited! L is moving along with the Sin study and H is going to be, also, very soon. They are incredible women. I am so grateful to have met them and to know them. I am so grateful to becoming their friends. Last night everybody came to my house. I was so excited because I had always wanted to have studies here. I just get so tired of taking and using other people’s stuff, that it was a relief to be able to give. Yesterday was an awesome day. God gave me energy so I could make it through the day and I pray he does it again today.

January 9, 2000

Well, I worked yesterday morning until 12, then came home and took a nap. I knew I needed to take the xmas tree to the park, and I knew that I was going to have to put the tree in my car, but I got an attitude with my grandmother for no reason. I don’t know if I was grumpy from the nap, but either way, there is no excuse. I cleaned my car and picked up L and AP and went to the movies. We saw Anna and the King. It was really good. L cried. then we baked sugar cookies and watched part of a circus on TV.

I had the strangest hallucinations last night. I was hearing voices and I kept thinking that I felt the cat get on my bed and touch my face. It was so weird. Then I though that I saw somebody-not only that- this person got on my bed and I felt the bed actually move, and I HEARD velcro, like he was getting a knife or something. I kicked the air trying to kick him, but he wasn’t there. I was half awake. I mean, I had my eyes partially open because I was watching him to see what he was going to do. So I turned over and asked God to take them away.

January 10, 2000

L got through her study last night! Yea!! She almost ended up like mine, but she persevered and got through it. I am so happy and so proud of her. H’s time is today and I just pray that she will get through it as well. I know she will. She will do great. I am going to share this afternoon, so I hope to meet some women today that are open and searching. I want one to be a freshman that is from another town, I want another to be a Senior that will graduate in three more semesters and plans on being a math major and being a teacher and I want to meet another that has no idea what exactly she is going to be but wants to work with people. I pray for all three of these women to be baptized.

Discipline. Self control is needed in order to have all of the other things. If I have no self control over my attitudes, my patience and fits of rage, then I can’t love at all times as I should. I won’t have peace or kindness, patience and gentleness. Self control is needed in order for me to grow and become more spiritual. I have to control my actions and my speech and my cravings and how I think or picture things in my mind. I need this self control and I need to have an urgent need to be self controlled so I can be closer to God and be confident that I am going to Heaven. God, please help me be more self controlled.

January 11, 2000

H made it! She got through this study with flying colors. I know that it was hard for her to write it down and really have the heart to want to do this, but Got totally took care of it. Their hearts are so humble and loving. I can learn much from them. Pride seems to always be the case. How do you get it and how can we get rid of it? Confessing. Today is going to be a long day. I am working 9 hours, I have three classes from 5-9:40p, and I have a study with H tonight. I pray to have energy today so I can be in a great mood. I love it when I can be so tired, yet so happy and others struggle with it because they don’t have God, meaning they don’t pray. I spent the night with Alison last night. I am really going to reach out to people this year, to make better friendships.

Discipline applies to how we handle our emotions. Three emotions are patience, self righteousness and lust. Abraham went to a place that he did not know, alone, but with God and by faith. I think that having faith that God is in control and that he takes care of everything helps to control the emotions, like with my patience. If I just have faith that God is going to care of it and that he is not going to give me more than I can handle, then I should be able to be much more patient than I am. I think, also, that I can control my lust by just turning away and thinking ugly things about the person and not be involved with conversation with that person. God tests us in certain ways on our faith. I see it as God blesses us who let him take control ( as if we had a choice). I mean, if we stop trying to take control ourselves, and just let things happen and let things be. God will bring the right man in my life, he will not give me more than I can handle, and I am not perfect or even great in all that I do.

January 12, 2000

Yesterday, I met a girl who has only 3 semesters left, after this one, wants to be in the FBI, a girl who wants to be a math teacher, another who is a freshman with no major, a girl from New Orleans, a girl who wants to work with special ed children. This is going to be an awesome semester!

Christians do either grow or dry up. You either continue to want to learn and want to have a deeper relationship with God, or you stop wanting this knowledge and this life, you get lazy and you fall into sin. I think it could be very easy to do these things. I think one, by being in the kingdom, I know that if I truly go back to the cross, that this should help me. Perseverance seems to be a big key, here, also.

January 13, 2000

GD died yesterday morning. I am glad that she is no longer in pain. I feel sad for my uncle because he has lost his right arm, his companion and his friend. My cat reminds me of Sylvester and Tweetie, the bird does have a yellow head. He distracts me. Anyway, I hope that he will be able to move on in time.

January 14, 2000

Today we are having the memorial service for GD. My heart aches for my uncle, I just pray that he will be open with his feelings and remember that he has a family that loves him and that he takes advantage of that. I am sure it must be very hard for him. God, please be with him, don’t let him become one of those men who long for their dead wife so strongly that they themselves die in their heart and soul. Please help him to get through this. God I also pray that all the girls I met come to devo tonight and they bring people with them.

Be like the person you wish to save. You are under God’s law, but you need to lower yourself to the level of those you want to save, they are not going to connect unless you show and prove to them that you can relate to their life. I think so many people forget this part. They all carry around an air of confidence and I think it scares people away. God help me to be a slave to people. Help me to relate to those I am going to make disciples.

January 15, 2000

I need to study out pride and selfishness. I seem to be acting this way lately. I think I am just feeling a little overwhelmed. I have so much going on at one time, on top of the fact that i have health problems that create even more stress. It is very frustrating when you have a problem that doctors don’t know how to solve. I think I am going to end up with cancer in my colon. That is all there is to that, AND I won’t have any teeth, since they want to give me problems, also. Anyway, I just pray that this quiet time will totally cut my heart and help me with my attitude.

God’s will. How can I know that what I am doing is God’s will? How do I know if my goals and dreams actually fit into God’s plan? I can’t know, I think.

I need to sacrifice my body, that means my sleep, because this is an act of worship to God. No more conforming, God’s will is good, pleasing, and perfect. God has had to change me in many ways. He took away my need for sexual immorality and smoking. He took away my hate, my anger, and a good portion of my pride. He has made me more confident and loving and trusting of himself. He has made me more open about myself, patient and calmer. He has cleared out the confusion in my head and heart. He has made me happy and joyful.

I think I just forget all that God has done for me, and I get selfish about what I want-to sleep- I am not so willing to sacrifice my sleep and that is why he demands it so much. It shows how ungrateful I am and how I don’t trust God. Be joyful always and pray continually. I need to be joyful that I am required to sacrifice my time and sleep for one of the lost. I should pray much more and trust that God will help me. Last night I was not joyful. I had a major attitude about what all was going on, I was full of an attitude. If I was joyful, then the situation might have been different. If I was better with my mood, I might have seen that we finished another study with L and now she is one step closer to getting right with God. That is awesome! That is the attitude I should have had.

Tolerating darkness in our lives makes it harder to do God’s will and gives attitudes like the one I had last night. Even now, I want to argue and say that I was just tired, but I don’t really get grumpy when I am tired. In order to discern what is best, it is important to be letting our love abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight. The best thing to do when doubts and questions pop up is to serve someone, because then the love abounds more and more.

January 16, 2000 Sunday

Last night I had a date with JW. Our double was W and C. W has memorized James 1-3 chapters. We watched Prince of Egypt, played spades and they cooked fettucini alfredo with grilled chicken. It was great. This morning, before the sun came up, I had a long prayer walk with God. We discussed my younger brother, the future when he (God) comes back and the baptism of my father that has yet to come. We also talked about my attitude that I need to change. Please help me to know what I need to do to change this attitude immediately.

Growth and Direction, the Importance of Plans

Psalms 20:1-5 First, I need to always remember to call to God when I am in distress because he will answer me. Next, I need to make plans that are Godly and God will bless those plans and make them succeed. People don’t have real plans for their spiritual development because they do not have faith and because they do not use the word of God as their standard. They only use the word of the world. They do not and can not grow spiritually because they are not right with God.

My plans for my spiritual development: work with a disciple; baptize 20 people by 10/24/2000; become a study leader and to be wise in it also; learn how to be a disciple and a politician mixed so that they work well together; see the church double within a year; wake up early enough each morning to be able to have prayer walks with God; make more friends, reach out more, to people outside of KSU

January 17, 2000 Monday

We had Holy Spirit with L and Light & Dark with H yesterday. Aunt D called and said that she was going to send me money for my root canal! God amazes me every time he answers my prayers. He does so much for me. It is totally true if you put God first, he will reward you. Thank you, God, now I just pray I can get in the dentist faster.

Psalm 37:1-11 The desires of my heart: to fly to space; to save the world or change; to get rid of nuclear bombs; to have all people housed and fed; to experience having a baby after I get married; to have as big a heart as God; to know the answers to everything; to go to Heaven; to talk with God; to be more trusting and faithful; to make disciples from my family; to travel the world; to be totally healthy. I need to commit my way to the Lord, devote myself to the Bible, to the Kingdom and to sharing my faith. He promises me righteousness to shine like the dawn and justice of my cause like the noonday sun. Fret, anger and wrath turn to evilness. I want my faith to turn all mals and directions into lessons that teach me and make me spiritually stronger.

January 18, 2000 Tuesday

Your Heart at Peace

Phil 4:4-7. Rejoice in the Lord always, my gentleness should be evident to all. I don’t think this happens at work. I think I can tend to be abrupt many times and probably be rough with people as well. I need to lean towards God more than I do. Sometimes I get anxious or overwhelmed, when I start to feel this, I need to pray more and depend on God to help. I need to trust God more and more. What words relate to my life? When I commit my present and future to God, the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard my heart and my mind.

John 16:33 Jesus has overcome the world. The ultimate result of my growth as a Christian.

Rom 5:1-5 suffering=perseverance=character=hope= hope will not disappoint us

1 Peter 1:3-5 a gentle and quiet spirit is of great worth in God’s sight

January 20, 2000 Thursday

Okay, I am struggling with controlling my tongue. I think things and I say them no matter what the outcome could be. I need help in stopping this. I need to be cut to the heart because right now I don’t seem to be. God please make these scriptures convince me. I love you, God.

January 22, 2000 Saturday

Hebrews 2 Jesus suffered death so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone. He was sacrificed so we could be forgiven. Jesus felt and saw every sin of every man from the past, present and future. He tasted death, so we could be alive. Jesus was flesh and blood like his children so he could destroy the devil who has power over death, so we could be free from slavery of fearing death. he was brough here so he could become a merciful and faithful high priest. He was tempted, as we are all tempted, and he struggled as well, but its these temptations that make him merciful. He is able to help us who are tempted.

January 24, 2000 Monday

Late last night we picked H up from the airport and AP spent the night. I dreamed that Alison, me and one other were in a car and we started spinning, but we kept spinning and then this force took over and we started moving real fast across the land, through houses and trees, and we held hands. It was strange. AP was afraid we were going to fall or hit a house. I told her to have faith. It was obviously God who was doing this. Then we were at God’s resting place, we had to sit on a moving floor through a tunnel and then we were in a room. There were baby pictures on the wall of somebody. It was a girl and her mother, then someone instructed us to bring Him a blanket and pillow. I grabbed two. “How big do you think His head is?” I asked. We ended up on earth again and all of a sudden I was with C.

Heb 5 Jesus is the High Priest, appointed by God as Aaron was. In the Old Testament, God Himself appointed priests. Nobody should take this honor upon themselves. Those who appoint priests in the world are disobeying the Bible. Jesus sacrificed himself so we could have eternal salvation and God appointed him High Priest. Jesus is a priest forever, therefore we do not need any other priests, just preachers to preach the word. Jesus prayed loudly and was submissive and he was heard.

January 25, 2000 Tuesday

Alive another day.

Psalms 51: David’s prayer after committing adultery. If we are doing what we should be when we should be, we shall be less exposed to temptation.

I met two girls yesterday named Jacky and Nimo. They are from Kenya and are studying abroad. They seem pretty cool. Nimo said that she just started to read the Bible because her mom told her that she wanted her to join a Bible study group. Wild, huh!

Heb 6: I feel like this, although I am teaching, I need someone to teach me elementary truths of God’s word again. vs 4-6, falling away means that you are crucifying Jesus all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.

January 27, 2000 Thursday

Oh, I pray it snows today instead of tomorrow. H and L are not doing good. H came back from Orlando unsure if this is the Kingdom or not. Now, L is feeling the same way. Satan has gotten a hold of them. I just pray that they see the light.

January 29, 2000 Saturday

You know, last night was great. We all got together, split up and prayed, and then we talked and told funny stories. Then I came here, to C’s, and then we started to make cookies. There’s an icestorm right now, so I don’t have class today and I get to take my time with God this morning and I am so grateful because he knew that I longed for this time with him and he has now given me the opportunity. I love him so much. He is so awesome and incredible. I am so grateful to know you, God. I am so grateful that I can be confident that I am going to Heaven when I die. I used to think that it was great that people believed in God because it gave them something to hope for. It gave them something to live for. I didn’t believe in God’s power then. I thought it was all a joke. But, now, I know that God is real, that you are all around me, that your power is real, that you listen to my prayers, that you love me. It’s faith I have and hope doesn’t seem to have much to do with it. I just don’t think that is a good word to describe my relationship with you, God.

1 Cor 13:13 it says I need faith, hope and love. I need to hope to find more disciples-to-be and hope that life is going to be great and hope that God is going to answer my prayers, but I have faith that he will, according to his will. I don’t hope God is real because I know he is real. He proves this all of the time.

I need to be confident agaian. I feel that I haven’t been confident as much. That and I am being selfish. I hesitate in sharing my faith because I am afraid of going through all that I did with H and L and then have them fall away. But, this is Satan trying to work in my life again, as he has been for the past two weeks. I am not going to let him do this.

Ch 8 Heb, God makes the old covenant obsolete and the new covenant the NEW covenant. With the new covenant, God forgives us for our wickedness and remembers our sins no more. Ch 9: In the old covenant, priests had to sacrifice animals for their blood so people could be forgiven of their sins. People were not cleared of their conscience, though. Jesus came and offered himself as a ransom so we could be set FREE from our conscience and our sins. Jesus is going to come for us who are waiting for him.

January 30, 2000 Sunday

Ok, hopefully we have church this morning and hopefully there aren’t many accidents. Yesterday was great. MC and I had dinner at Roadhouse together. It was super being able hang out with her. We watched Life is Beautiful at AP’s. It was a sad movie. It scares me to see what Satan can do with people. He gives them crazy ideas and then they go crazy with it. Hitler was a crazy man, there are others out there in the world. I am so grateful to have God in my life. It is too bad that everyone doesn’t. If they only knew and cared…

Heb 10 “I will put my laws on their hearts, and I will write them on their minds”. This is really amazing because every time we do something wrong, we know it is wrong because our mind and heart tells us so.

It says let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. When I think of “unswervingly” I think of someone driving down the road. I think of them changing lanes every second, not being able to decide which lane they want. Or of a drunk who is clouded of the mind and isn’t focused on what direction he is going. Or of an impatient speedy driver, swerving between cards to get to the location destination and ending up causing an accident, because he is not focussed.

February 4, 2000 Friday

Yesterday I ran into L. I just hope that she comes and hangs out with us tonight. I really do. I miss her and H so much. Yesterday was another great day. It just went pretty smoothly. I shared with five women. Sean is one that I talked to for a while, so, its cool. She seemed interested in the all women’s things we are going to have on March 24th. I am struggling with a guy in class. I keep looking at him because I am attracted to him. This has got to end!

February 5, 2000 Saturday

I can not wait until next Saturday. I am so fired up about my date with MS. I try not to get overly in-interest of him because he could easily not even have an interest in me, so I want to guard my heart. I already seem to get jealous or possessive in a sense, I guess, and its irritating me because I shouldn’t be this way, and if I am, then I don’t want to have an interest in the first place. Either way, I am too young as a Christian to even think about having an interest.

Hannah’s prayer to God: the silent cries of her desperation were the response to pressures he was placing on her. Personal suffering is never meaningless to God. In addition, he may give you, through the pain, an increased capacity to help others who suffer. That’s like in 1 Peter 1:6-9, suffering makes us stronger in our faith and spirituality. That scripture, I was able to help another through his struggles. Maybe God really does have awesome plans for me beyond my imagination. I have no clue as to what he would have planned for me, but I am sure I will find out and be truly grateful. I can’t wait to see how my life unfolds as I become stronger and a more mature disciple.

February 10, 2000 Thursday

Yesterday was great. I met a girl named Ashley, that MC had just met as well. That was pretty cool. I am so grateful to be awake. I just finished walking with God. I couldn’t run because I fell on my tail yesterday while leaving work. There was oil or something on the stairs. I am sore! So is my arm. Anyway, I hope to meet some people who are open to coming to church today for Sunday, or even Friday. I would like to have someone to watch over, to help, someone to get to know, someone to become my best friend.

February 11, 2000 Friday

Yesterday was great. MT and I shared together and then I shared again after my test in History. God is so awesome. He has been getting me up early every morning and has given me energy to get through the day and has blessed me with amazing amounts of time to share and study. I love God so much. I hope this day is great, I am sure it will be because it is Friday!

February 12, 2000 Saturday

Last night, I was 5 seconds from either dying or being paralyzed. I fell asleep at the wheel! When I jolted awake I was on the other side of the road and heading toward a bunch of trees! I think God is trying to tell me to be grateful for what I have and that my legs work and quit worrying so much about what they look like. I have always focused on my body for the past 5 years. I need to get over it. But, God woke me up, he’s not ready for me, I guess. A death during Valentine’s weekend wouldn’t be very cool at all.

February 13, 2000 Sunday

My date got canceled last night with MS! So I went to my brother’s and saw my nephew and niece. They are such happy children. The reason is because they always have a parent at home, and that is great! TC is really talking now. I love him so much. HC is going to be beautiful. She is going to have those ringlets in her hair that I always wanted. Okay, so I really need to learn how to be vulnerable, so I am going to search for this trait in Ezekiel and see if I can learn from him.